Our instincts are not the same as our feelings. Our feelings are sensations we experience, that are categorized more by being pleasurable or not pleasurable, or something in between, or both. Our instincts are more about something we know to be true or right or real.
Our instincts are not the same as our rational thoughts either. Our rational thoughts are things we consciously think through, arriving at by connecting facts and other thoughts together, using logic and common sense as best as we know how. On the other hand, our instincts are things we believe to be true without having gone through any conscious thought process to arrive at these beliefs.
We need to appreciate, and use, all three of these modalities in our relationship. Feelings, thoughts, and instincts.
There are appropriate times for feelings to take over in our relationship, there are appropriate times for thoughts to take over in our relationship, and this is something we have to figure out on our own through trial and error. It’s different for everyone. We know we’ve found what works for us when we feel like we can switch between the two modalities, feelings and thoughts, pretty easily.
On the other hand, we should always be using our instincts in our relationship. Regardless of whether we are using them in conjunction with our feelings and thoughts as well, we should always be listening to and following our instincts. And furthermore, when there is a conflict between what our instinct tells us, versus our feelings or thoughts, we should always go with our instincts.
The reason for this is pretty simple and straightforward. A relationship is, more than anything, a very primal way of relating to our man. Whether it’s on a physical level or on an emotional level, the connection is ultimately a primal one, at its core. It’s something we need so greatly, more than anything perhaps, just by virtue of being human.
So, if we want to experience a relationship as it is meant to be experienced, the way it is meant to fulfill our needs, then we need to tap into that primal part of ourselves. Our instincts are the primal part of ourselves. They are what was there before feelings and thoughts were there, and what’s still there after feelings and thoughts are gone. We need to use, trust, and follow our instincts.
This doesn’t mean that we should just go running off and follow our instincts right away necessarily. A very important caveat to using our instincts in our relationship, is to first ask ourselves, if we are being honest with ourselves in our relationship. If we can ask ourselves this question and feel peace, then we are being honest with ourselves. If we don’t even ask ourselves this question or if we get a slightly funny feeling in our gut when we ask ourselves this, then we aren’t being honest with ourselves.
It’s very important to first make sure that we are being honest with ourselves in our relationship, because if not, our instincts in it can’t be trusted. Without honesty, reality is blurred, and then everything else, including our instincts, is twisted as well.
Finally, it’s very difficult to follow through and trust our instincts, as we know we should or want to. It’s difficult because it can feel like there’s no security there. When we trust our rational thoughts, we have the security of trusting in logic and common sense, which we know often times gives us correct answers. When we trust our feelings, we have the security of trusting in exactly what we’re experiencing in that moment, and that gives us some security.
But when we trust our instincts, we’re basically trusting in something without any proof of its truth. As complex, highly evolved beings, we’re not used to operating this way. It feels foreign to us, almost wrong. But that doesn’t mean that it is wrong. So we just have to push through this initial, uncomfortable feeling.
And soon, pretty quickly actually, the uncomfortable feeling goes away. Trusting our instincts feels like the most natural and best thing to do in our relationship instead. And then, we feel incredible peace.