Wednesday, July 18, 2018

As a little girl, I loved Hello Kitty and anything made by Sanrio. This was back in the '80s when Sanrio was mostly known for stationary items (I think). Anyway, I was a bit obsessed and loved all Sanrio pencils, erasers, stickers, paper, clips, stamps, etc. That stuff was magical to me. 

I had a fair amount of Sanrio stationary. Not a crazy, mind-blowing amount, but a good enough amount of it. 


And yet, I always felt a bit unhappy about my Sanrio collection. Now, my unhappiness was not because I was spoiled. My parents never spoiled me in this way; I never expected or thought I deserved to have a lot of toys and fun things.


My unhappiness with my Sanrio collection was simply because I always focused on the negative...I focused on the negative of what I didn’t have in my collection, instead of what I did have. I wasn’t angry at my parents or the world or anything for not having more (I wasn’t spoiled or entitled)...I was just simply always a bit unhappy with my Sanrio collection, when it should have brought me a lot of happiness.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

So my negativity started when I was very little. Next up: in my early elementary school years...

Monday, July 16, 2018

When I was very little, I couldn’t have been more than 5 years old, my mom took me to ballet lessons.

I had no say in it. I don’t think I knew what ballet was. She just signed me up for it, and one day, I found myself in class. And I realized I was going to go week after week. I had no idea what was going on. I just did it because my mom told me to.


I had a very nice teacher. I liked her. Her name was Terry (I don’t know the exact way to spell her name). She had really long, brown hair, which was probably one reason I liked her so much, because I was obsessed with long hair when I was little.


But beyond that, she was kind. I could sense it. She wasn’t one of those pushy dance teachers or uncaring dance teachers who cared only about making money. She was also beautiful and elegant, as a ballet dancer and ballet teacher should be. I really, really liked her. 


Her classes were low stress. But not boring. They felt good, for the most part.


The other kids in the class seemed okay, I don’t remember much about them. But they didn’t bother me at all.


At that young age, I don’t think that I LOVED dancing ballet (does any 5 year old?), but I liked it enough. It was girly and pretty.


But if I’m being honest, I never really looked forward to the classes that much.


Why?


Mostly because I was negative, I think.


I focused on how it was work, took discipline, how I needed to pay attention. I didn’t like that part. These things weren’t even a huge part of the classes, but that’s what I focused on. 


I took what could, and should, have been a very memorable experience and turned it into a not-so-great one with my negative attitude.

Sunday, July 15, 2018

I have so many memories of my negative thinking in the past. I don’t even know where to start. My negative thinking permeated my life.

I felt so negatively about everything important to me and anything I cared about. It was an automatic thought process. 


So, where do I start?


I guess from the beginning. From my early years. 


To be continued...

Saturday, July 14, 2018

I am going to go into my past and bring up some specific examples of my negative thinking back then. This will be an interesting journey for me. Stay tuned.

Friday, July 13, 2018

One of the ways that I’m not positive is...for something that I care about happening or being true, I become negative about it happening or being true. The more I care, the more negative I am.

For example, my accomplishments and abilities that matter to me. My appearance. Whether certain people like me. Whether guys like me. Whether a certain guy likes me. My dreams.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Getting to the first 50% of being positive was...tough. (See my post from a few days ago). Reaching the last 50%...is super, super tough.