In all my talking about myself here, here is another thing I can't believe I haven't mentioned about myself...it's a biggie.
Well, this is something about myself that I didn't think was possible to explain before. But now I don't think this is impossible to explain; I think I just was not strong enough to explain this before.
I had to find myself. I had to save myself.
I didn't understand the basic concept of love and sacrifice, I had never really experienced feelings before, I didn't understand the concept of morals/principles, I didn't understand the concept of instincts and had never really experienced following them before, I didn't know how to experience physical/sensual pleasure and didn't know how important this is and didn't know that I was missing out on this...
I was twenty-five years old. I had been living a set path in life. I was very set in my ways. From here, how did I turn myself around?
I thought about a lot of very abstract things. They were fundamental though. Spiritual things. Meaning of life things. I did this for years.
Then, I moved onto less abstract thoughts. I had to undo the unhealthy ways I thought about myself, and replace those thoughts with healthy thoughts. I did this for years.
Then, I moved onto less abstract thoughts. I thought about the most meaningful human relationship. I thought about what love is and how to love. I did this for years.
I journaled all the time. I repeated things to myself in my head all the time, like a mantra. It was intense. All my thoughts now were new kinds of thoughts, fundamentally different from the kinds of things I had thought before. It was a deliberate action on my part to think all these new, fundamentally different types of thoughts.
Through sheer will and hard work, I re-programmed myself.