Sunday, May 28, 2017

Freedom

I can do whatever I want 

And I can be whoever I want 
The world feels so open  

There are still rules to follow 

But they're not oppressive 
I see how they bring joy 
And they feel freeing too 
More things I like about myself 

(First post on this here


But first things first, why do I always feel the need to apologize or justify myself when I start a list like this? Why do I feel like I've already said enough good things about myself and now I'm going overboard? I'm not used to treating myself well. 


-I like my skin tone. I'm kind of tan.


-I like that I'm sentimental and emotional.


-I like that I have a fiercely independent streak. I won't let a man define me. (But I'm not hard-hearted; I still need a man!)


-I like that I'm strong/brave enough to do things my way and refuse to do things just to be like everyone else. 

Saturday, May 27, 2017

One really special friend  

I would like one really special girlfriend.


To laugh with, to relate to, to help each other with things, to share really personal things with.


We would be loyal to each other. We would go through significant events in life, the chapters of life, together. We would make each other much better people. 


We would have our own traditions. Our inside jokes. Our own language. Like siblings, like family, even though we would not be related. 


We would continually see our friendship just growing stronger through time. 


I think most or many of us want this one really special friend. It's really special.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

-Our office is having a potluck tomorrow (well, two of the departments). I'm looking forward to it. I think it will be a welcoming and fun mix of people. I'm also looking forward to baking muffins for the potluck. It's an easy recipe, and I just really enjoy cooking for people.

-I think I will buy a pair of jazz shoes. I want to start getting into jazz. I'm excited by it! I think it's complex and fun at the same time.


-Long weekend coming up! I don't have any exciting plans for Memorial Day weekend, but I'm looking forward to it. 

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

The hard part is just beginning

This is my last post in this series of posts on patience! When I started this series, I couldn't wait to finish it because I didn't like thinking about patience. Now that I'm here, I can only say that the hard work is just beginning. Patience is a lifelong attitude, and well, struggle.

My definition of patience is happily waiting for something you really want and/or need.

The key word is, happily.

I'm working on it.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Patience for ages

It's hard for me to imagine myself practicing patience...forever. It's hard for me to imagine myself even being patient right after I stop focusing/writing about patience in this series of posts.


This is where some rational, inner self-talk comes in. 


I have to rationally tell myself that I'm going to always need patience because there are ALWAYS going to be things I really want, that I don't have in that moment yet. Lots of things.


I have to rationally tell myself that I want to be patient in the future because patience is a virtue, a good trait. I want to be good. And along with that, there are many, many positive things that come from being patient.


It's basically just a lot of talking to myself.

Monday, May 22, 2017

I want intimacy (deep emotional intimacy) in my life...right now.

I want to feel truly comfortable in my own skin...to be fully my own person outside of any job, relationships, role, etc. that might define me...to love doing things on my own...I want to be this independent...right now.


I want to be proud of how I do my job, be proud of the kind of person I am at my job, and feel like I could leave my job with my head held high...right now.


I want to experience a new kind of relationship in my life...to have a quality relationship with my own child...right now.


I want to see my sister in a truly fulfilling relationship and being the best person she can be...right now.


And a lot more.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

I think I'm going to end my series on patience soon. I feel like I have my impatience a little more under control now. I feel somewhat more confident, confident enough, in my ability to be patient now.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Coming to a place of peace about patience 

I don't feel like I'm fighting the idea of patience as much as I was before. I feel like I'm kind of okay with it. I kind of even like it actually.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Starting from the Bible

In all this time that I've been talking and thinking about patience, I've hardly thought about what the Bible says about it.


Which is weird, because the Bible is the foundation for how I approach everything. I believe everything in the Bible to be true, and as I just said, it is the foundation for how I live life.


So maybe that's why I've been feeling so off this whole time I've been thinking about patience. I didn't start with the Bible as my foundation, as I normally would have for something like this. I can only conclude that this is because patience is a concept I really resist, or something.


So now I've forced myself to think about what the Bible says about patience.


The Bible clearly considers patience important. It's mentioned all over the Bible.


The Bible also instructs us to be patient. Patience is an action, something we must consciously try to do, a muscle to be used.


On a personal application level, I take all of this to mean that...this is a clear sign I'm supposed to take patience seriously!


It's also a very noble feature. Patience is mentioned as one of God's characteristics, as love, and as one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit.


In the past, there was a part of me that whenever I thought about patience, I just thought of a really boring, really old person, sitting around. It made me cringe. 


I don't know where I got this distorted idea/vision of patience from. My own immaturity, I suppose.


Now, when I think about patience, I hope to immediately think of it as something wonderful that brings joy to my heart...


I hope to see it as some combination of love, hope, faith, self-control, goodness...


I hope that what comes to mind is a wonderful person, lively and full of inner strength.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

The longer I'm going on about the topic of patience, the harder it is for me. I really have to dig deep.

Today I want to talk about how having anything good in life requires patience.


I'm not talking about having superficially good things in life, happiness that mainly only lasts for moments. Such as finding a good parking space, indulging in something luxurious, experiencing thrills from an exciting activity, having a fun moment, a temporary boost to our self-esteem, etc.


I'm also not talking about having survival needs met and having basic lifestyle needs met, which is obviously a very important and good thing to have, but beyond what I'm talking about today.


I'm talking about happiness that comes from having something very meaningful to us, whatever it may be. Independence, quality relationships of all types, leaving behind a good legacy, etc. 


These things touch a part of ourselves that is very central to us. So central that they are mostly in our subconscious being.


They are significant. And the effects on us of having these things, or not having these things, are long-lasting.


These things take time to develop. Time is a key ingredient. They require patience.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Rewarded 

Finally

After a long time 
Patiently waiting 

Light 

Happy
Exuberant 

This feels right 

And long-lasting 

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Spoiled

I constantly amaze myself. It's funny that with everything I've said about myself on here...


I have not once talked about how I was (am?) spoiled. It's a big part of me.


I guess it's not a flattering thing to talk about. And I guess I couldn't really talk about it if I hadn't kind of overcome it, because I wouldn't have the right perspective otherwise.


Anyway, I'm here to talk about being spoiled now.


Growing up, I had everything. My dad made a lot of money. His parents, my grandparents, also made a lot of money. I came from new money and old money. There was money everywhere. 


I didn't understand things like: 


-being in want of basic needs

-struggling to make ends meet
-needing to work for things
-facing the uncertainty of not having enough money one day
-the importance of money

I wasn't and am not materialistic. My parents are not materialistic, and they didn't raise me that way. But, I still didn't grasp the above concepts.


Along with having no concept of money, my mom spoiled me because she did everything for me. She also didn't teach me many life lessons along the way. 


Thus, when I grew up and vaguely realized that I was going to be on my own one day (I am not a trust fund baby)...I was not prepared. I had education and academic smarts, but I didn't have life skills.


This is a big reason why I made the "odd" decision to work as a receptionist at a small office in a part of the bay area that's not extremely high-end.


I didn't know how to explain it to anyone at the time, but deep-down, I realized that here, in this job, were the skills and lessons that I really needed to learn. I purposely put myself in the school of hard knocks. I also knew that if I didn't make myself go through this, I wouldn't be able to survive anywhere, period. 


I learned about humbleness, I learned about injustice, I learned about adapting to new environments, I practiced a good work ethic, I learned about how to survive in a difficult environment, I learned how to do very practical but basic things, and more.


Anyway, I digress. This post is more about being spoiled and what that has to do with patience.


One of the byproducts of being a spoiled person is that I do not have patience. I'm not talking about patience for the "small things" (waiting in traffic, not getting annoyed at people, etc.) 


But in a much bigger, general sense. I don't have patience to work towards large goals and patience to wait for anything I really want.


Which is what I'm working on now.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Patient 

Peaceful

Content 
Steady 
For a long time 
A very long time 

My heart yearns for so much

Yet it is full right now too

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Being patient about developing patience 

I wish I had something really substantial to say about patience today. Then I could feel like this series on patience is coming to a close quicker. As I mentioned earlier, I kind of want this series on patience to be over already, because I don't like thinking about and dealing with patience. 


But today, all that's coming to mind about patience is...not much. Just that I have to stick with developing patience and be patient about this.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Waiting 

Waiting is humbly giving up control

Waiting is graceful 
Waiting is quiet strength

Waiting is active

Waiting is a choice
Waiting is living life

Friday, May 12, 2017

Impatient

I want
I need

Going without
Makes me upset

I scream
I yell
I kick
I'm in an internal rage

I look for cheap substitutes
To fulfill me instead

When I know I could have just waited
And it still would have been okay

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Patience

I don't have a very good understanding of what patience is. For example, I can't define it. Because I have never thought about it very deeply (and thus, have not practiced it as much as I should have).

But now, I'm kind of realizing that if I really want to have anything good in life...I need to have a lot of patience first.

So I'm going to start a series of posts on patience.

I don't know how long this series is going to be. I kind of want it to be over already, because, well, thinking about and dealing with patience is hard.

But maybe this is a good foray into patience for me...being patient as I work through this series on patience.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

I dance to convey emotion. 

There are some particular emotions that I've wanted to express for awhile now, through dance. 


I want to express the emotions I felt near the beginning of when I knew Jesse. The first few years. 


I felt deep love and deep pain, together, at the same time. 


That's what I want to show the world. 

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

-Yesterday evening I went over to our next door neighbor's house, and I talked to him for the first time in my whole life (he's been our neighbor for around twenty years). Yeah, in our neighborhood, people keep to themselves. It's a respect thing. Anyway, I just had a very simple question for him, so it wasn't a significant chat at all. But it still felt good. Neighborly feelings! There's something about it.

-I started looking into more ballet studios in the Bay Area for adults. (There's a creepy guy at the one I usually go to, so I'm trying to avoid that one for awhile). Anyway, I was happy and excited to see that there are lots of other ones I can try out. I like the variety too. It keep me feeling fresh. 


-I have been doing the New York Times mini-crossword pretty often. It takes me a couple minutes a day. It's free and fun.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Good morning!

Here are some things that made me laugh recently:


-The character of Heihei in Moana. I like brainless things. I liked the scene where he's pecking hard at a rock and swallows it for no reason. 


-Well, this made me laugh a long time ago, but she recently mentioned it again. The Pioneer Woman's donut story. It's hilarious! 


-I'll laugh at most jokes. Here's one I heard...


What do you call a potato wearing glasses? 







(A spectator)!

Sunday, May 7, 2017

I really like lying around in my bed in the morning and not doing anything. After I wake up, just lying around. It's amazing how the time passes. I don't do this everyday and wouldn't do this everyday, but somewhat regularly is ideal...for me.
Jesse healed me

I was a really broken person when I met him. 


It took a lot of love to heal me.


I had some really deep-rooted issues. 


I didn't like myself very much. I was convinced that no man would ever like me. I couldn't give any genuinely desirable man a chance. 


I couldn't be myself around a man. I put up a great, big wall. No man was allowed to see me in my natural state. 


I had felt this way for...oh, my whole life. There wasn't a time I could remember when I hadn't felt this way. I'm talking, as far back as kindergarten and before then. 


I felt this way very strongly. It didn't even occur to me that it could be different for me one day. I was so sure that I would be this way forever. 


So it took great love to heal me, later in life. 


Jesse put in a lot of time and care.


I don't know why he wanted to heal a broken person who had nothing to offer him...but he did. 


Thank you.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Healed

None of us are ever really all healed

But there is a point
When we are healed enough

I feel safe...enough

Putting my heart in your hands
I still feel fear
But it doesn't consume me

I feel good

Good enough

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Halfway broken

I'm on the mend

Not in the clear
But I have hope
And even having hope, just in itself, is already a miracle

I see love

I see that maybe I can have love one day
I think that maybe I can be healthy enough for love one day

But every day my heart breaks

Knowing I don't yet have something
And might never have something
That I so deeply want

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Broken

My feelings want to come out

But they can't
I feel stuck

I'm shut down

I can't start up

I have no hope

I will always be this way

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

What it takes for someone to heal another person's broken, black heart that doesn't beat (psychologically, not physically)

-Patience and time. A lot of it. It must be consistent, constant. No gaps. 


-Care. Be there for that broken person whenever he/she needs it. 


-The ability to stand up to that broken person, little by little, when he/she is strong enough, and tell that broken person that he/she is wrong or needs to do better.

Monday, May 1, 2017

Coming from a place of love

There's a concept that a woman is supposed to submit to a man.


This concept makes a lot of people uncomfortable and mad. 


I'm heavily opposed to this concept as well.


As a woman, I feel like it means that my rights are lesser than a man's. I feel degraded. This is disgusting and horrible! Wrong, wrong, wrong. I have an immediate instinct to sprint the other way.


Okay. But slowly, I've been realizing that it's actually shallow and one-sided of me to think of "submit" in this way.


This degradation isn't what "submit" has to mean at all.


"Submit" can also mean something entirely different. Something so loving.


"Submit" can also mean...TRUST! Trusting that a man, who is in the position of power, will take my needs into utmost consideration (beyond his own needs), and carry this through.


Assuming I find the right man, trust is not a stupid or naive thing to do. It's a loving thing to do.


I think about it this way...if the roles were reversed, and I was in the position of power...what would I do? 


Would I be loving enough to take a man's trust and use it to do things solely for his benefit?


If the answer to that is yes, then I should be able to trust that the right man would do the same for me as well.


I have some problems with trust, submit, whatever you want to call it. So I guess this means, that I have some problems with being a loving person. I do feel ashamed of myself now and realize that I need to be a better person here.


Okay. But I have one final gripe about "submit" before I can be fully on board.


My new thought is, why can't we all just be equals then? No one has to be in power, and no one has to submit. We can all just be equals!


Okay.


I know the answer to this. I just don't want to admit it.


But here it is. I'm internally battling with myself here.


The answer to my last question is that...if we were all equals, if there was no concept of power and submission, then that might not necessarily be a bad thing. But there would be less opportunity to display love. Much less opportunity. And maybe that would be a bad thing then, after all. 


Sigh. I've convinced myself. I guess this means that I really do need to work on the submit, trust, part of my character.