Sunday, April 30, 2017

My relationship with my mom

Some moms and daughters are really close and have a deep bond.


I realize now that a connection like that, took time to build. 


I also realize now that a connection like that, has a relatively good history, from the start. As in, from the time when the daughter was born. 


I'm realizing now that, the history matters. It really matters. If the mother/daughter relationship has had a bad history at some point(s), the relationship will always be negatively impacted by that, even if both parties make amends in the future. The history will always be there. The relationship can definitely be better in the future, but, it will never be what it could have been. 


My mom and I have had a really, really traumatic history. 


She wants to be close now. She's sorry. 


I can move forward too. Our relationship doesn't have to be the way it was before: complete non-communication and screaming. It can be a lot better than that. We can even be close someday.


But, we will never be as close as we could have been.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Good morning (actually afternoon)! It's Saturday morning (actually afternoon). 

Today I'm looking forward to...I don't know! I don't have a plan for today, outside of some little things I have to take care of. It is lovely.


In the back of my mind, I always feel guilty about this though. For not doing much. I feel like a lesser person.


But I mean, as long as I'm not a lazy person, I don't see why I should feel bad about myself for this at all. Not even a little bad...

Friday, April 28, 2017

Things that make/made me happy today:

-The start of the weekend 


-A nice man at Costco who took the initiative and volunteered to put a large, heavy case of water in my cart for me 


-A tall tree that is in front of me as I write this (I'm sitting in my car in a parking lot). I like trees. I like nature. 


-This blog. I'm happy to be able to share myself here. My heart feels big and wide.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Close to a man 

I melt 

Not into a puddle
Into something really, really soft 
And smooth

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Letting go of control in romantic relationships

That's how I want to be. That's how I think I should be. Though I'm having difficulty. 

I'll explain what I mean by "letting go of control in romantic relationships."

I'm not talking about falling in love. That's a different kind of letting go - feeling all your feelings. Important. But that's not what I'm talking about here. 

I'm talking about not knowing how your relationship is supposed to progress. Until it actually happens.

Not knowing what the path to getting to a serious relationship commitment is supposed to look like.

Not knowing what the path to getting to engagement is supposed to look like.

Once married, on a daily basis, not knowing whether you'll really end up staying married. (This doesn't mean that I'm okay with divorce. I'm not. It's about embracing the fact that, no matter what, marriage is always a risk in some way).

I like this uncertainty because then you're not focused so much on what you WANT your relationship to be. Instead, you're just letting your relationship BE and living (relishing) in whatever it IS, at that very moment. It's fuller this way. More pure. It's first and foremost, totally about the human connection between the two of you.

This is probably why I could never explain mine and Jesse's relationship to people. 

It doesn't follow the standard form of dating in our culture today. 

It might be more like a courtship relationship (where the man initiates and pursues a marriage relationship, from the very beginning). But it also hasn't been like that either. 

Of course, I'm not a total hippie living in anarchy or on a deserted island. I still do follow some social conventions and social structures for romantic relationships. This is where part of a romantic relationship's legitimacy and substance comes from. So I do have some expectations (in line with society) of how our relationship is supposed to progress and about its future state. But it's really not very much. 

So here is what I can explain of our relationship. Here is how it follows societal norms: 

In the beginning, Jesse and I were great friends. We talked about all sorts of things and had fun talking to each other. We also talked about personal things. That was deep. 

At the same time, he started being charming and flirting with me. He made it known to me that he was pursuing something with me (that was more than just sex or a good time). 

The whole time, we were coworkers in a small office. We got to know each other in our natural environments. We knew that we came from really similar backgrounds, were both decently moral people, and were older single people probably ready to settle down at some point. 

So it was sort of courting. Or maybe a precursor to dating. Either one. 

What I want with him now is a serious relationship commitment, then engagement, the whole works. 

So that's the part of our relationship that makes sense to people. And that I can map out.

The rest of it, which is A LOT, doesn't follow any kind of dating or courtship progression. 

I can't explain to people what me deliberately drawing away from Jesse for a year, not talking to him at all but just giving him significant looks, meant for our relationship. At the time, I couldn't explain to myself either why I was doing this, why exactly I needed to do this to move our relationship forward. Or how long this was going to go on for and what the next step was. I just knew that for that moment, it was the right thing to do for our relationship. It was hard - to draw away from him, and to do this not knowing exactly why it was necessary for our relationship.

That's just one example of our relationship being unstructured. 

Currently (and only for a little while longer), Jesse is my coworker. Most of the time, there's absolutely zero interaction between us. Instinctively, I feel like we're moving our relationship forward. But I don't rationally know how our actions right now are actually leading to a serious relationship commitment. 

I also don't think in specifics of how the next day, week, month, year, few years, etc. with him, relationship-wise, will look like. All I know is that I want the commitment, then engagement, etc. "soon." And I can't give a timeframe for "soon." I just know that it means I won't wait forever, and that there definitely is a window, even if I can't articulate it. When the window actually closes, that's when I'll know the time has passed and it's over. But I can't tell when it would be, beforehand. 

The last thing I want to talk about is - how did my relationship with Jesse get to be this way, being unstructured?

I don't know. Maybe it's the type of people we both are. I consciously live the rest of my life this way, relatively unstructured. Maybe he's like this too, or at least in love. And when we met, this is how it was fated to happen. 

To be honest, I feel scared and kind of sick now. Totally letting go of control of things, especially REALLY IMPORTANT things like this, does that to me. It's not easy.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Great weakness 

Like a wayward steam of water 

Flowing every which way 
No backbone 

When faced with strength 

I cower 
I shrivel 
And I keep shriveling 

I cannot help

I cannot protect 
I collapse 

I grow thin and small 

Thinner and smaller everyday 
I let myself shrink to nothing 

Monday, April 24, 2017

What it feels like for a girl

A moment of love 

Closeness 
A bond between you and me 
Opposites attract 
I love this union 
I love you

Now I let myself get completely wrapped up in you

I let you seep into my pores
Every inch of my inner being 
You're there 
We should always be together
Joined together like this 
Forever
Being bonded together like this is the very best 

And yet

Deep down inside
A little voice speaks
It's so quiet I barely hear it 
But it's there

The little voice tells me

I am not acting right 
I have lost myself in you
I am engulfing you
I am twisted 

I let the voice continue speaking 

It grows louder 
I hear the voice so clearly now 

I choose to do what's right 

I wrestle with myself
Trying to overcome my inner demons  

In the midst of all this 

I finally feel how weak I am
How weak I really am 
At my core 

Strangely enough

Feeling my weakness actually feels good 
Really good 
Really, really good 
So good 
Simply because it's who I really am 

Sunday, April 23, 2017

It's time to start breaking out the skirts and dresses! We're well into spring. 

I'm going to make a confession. I really don't like the way my bare legs look. 


I have another confession to make. I think I'm blowing it up in my own mind over how bad my bare legs look. 


I want to be me. I like wearing skirts and dresses. I can't let my psychological issues stop me.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

I'm sorry

I'm insecure about whether you really love me 

I punish you 
I beat you to a pulp
You're black and blue 
But you did nothing wrong 

I'm insecure about whether you really love me 

I use you
I make you reassure me that you love me 
Over and over again 

I'm insecure about whether you really love me 

I cause you to create a lot of distance between us 
The distance is sad 
But I make you overly assert your independence 

I ignore love 

I follow insecurity instead 

I'm sorry

Friday, April 21, 2017

Awhile ago, I talked about baking the office a blueberry pie. Just to be kind. 

Baking pies is not easy for me, and eating homemade pie is something I assume others like. So this is the kindest thing I can think of doing for people in the office, short of handing out cash or something.


I haven't done it yet. I've been thinking about it a lot.


I think a common misconception about kindness is that it means you have to be best friends with people, or at least, pretty friendly with them. I don't think that's what kindness is though. I think kindness means doing something beneficial for others, starting from a good place in your own heart.


Sometimes kindness doesn't look like anything at all. When you forgive people, that happens internally. And after you forgive people, you may even choose not to have any relationship with them. But as long as you're not harboring hateful thoughts towards people or numb to people for their injustices against you, then you have forgiven them. That's kind.


Sometimes kindness means taking action against people when they did something wrong to you, and sometimes this even means creating very unpleasant situations. If you're doing this purely to reach a place of honesty, and it's not revenge or lashing out at people, then that's kind. 


Sometimes kindness means that you're no more than acquaintances with people, because you don't have that friendship chemistry with them. But you're kind if you want to help improve their lives in some way, even if it costs you and doesn't benefit you.


People wonder what motivates me in life. The answer is...


This.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

A pleasant side of work 

For awhile now, I've been realizing that in general, I have positive relationships with almost everyone at work. I get the feeling that people like saying "hi" to me. I like saying "hi" to them too. I'm pretty open towards people, everyone, no matter who they are.


I have random chats with a variety of people at work. Small talk. Not a lot, not long, but they feel pleasant.


It's not a party or anything here, but this is nice.
Let me in
You have to 
Let me see what's underneath 

Your wall 

It hurts me 

But I still love you


I love you

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Emotional this morning, part 2

I feel...


Thoughtful

Open
Still
Quiet
Humble 
Positive 
Imaginative 

Monday, April 17, 2017

Emotional this morning 

I feel...


Little 

Lost
Wonder
Amazement
Hope 
Love
Nostalgic
Yearning 

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Happy Easter! 

This is a hard post for me to write. I don't really know what to say about Easter. Because I don't really know how I feel about it. I didn't grow up Christian, so...this holiday is kind of new to me. 


Easter is not really about Easter eggs, candy, a big ham meal, going to church, wearing a cute spring outfit to church...


I don't know. What is the heart of Easter? I'm having a hard time feeling it. 


Biblically, I get it. It's about Jesus rising from his tomb, which is symbolic of life for everyone. Something like that. 


I get this. And I believe this. But it's just all in my head. I'm not feeling anything. No gratefulness, no excitement, no nothing. 


I don't know. I kind of think that Easter is kind of a serious holiday. Maybe the heart of it lies in doing some meditating and really reflecting on what God did for us. Which I haven't done. Maybe that's why I don't feel anything for Easter right now.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Opening up, you 

I see something real from you 

I know it when I see it 
My antenna is working 

In this moment 

I could crush you
You're raw 
I have the power 

Good or evil

Which should I be 
My actions in this moment define me 

I choose love 

I choose it every time 

I still like you

I like you even more than before 

Friday, April 14, 2017

Opening up, me 

Hi, I'm Donna 

There's a lot about me you don't know 
But I'll tell you someday 
I plan on it 

For now, I'll start small

With this:
I like eating potatoes
Spring warmth 

I like spring

Because spring is a painting 
Of blooming flowers 
And soft blue skies 

I feel magic in the air 

The magic of life

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

When I was a small child, to when I was a kid, to when I was an older kid, to when I was a pre-teenager, to when I was a teenager, to when I was in my late teenage years, to when I was in my early twenties, to when I was in my mid twenties...

I was a miserable person. I actually felt dead inside. I didn't know why.


As I became more aware of things over the last few years, I blamed certain things in my upbringing and my environment for my unhappy past. Which was true and good. At last, I was able to confront these issues and then move past them.


But now I'm realizing that this wasn't the whole equation. I was the other half of the equation.


I caused my own unhappiness. I was the bad person.


I didn't care about things. I CHOSE THIS. It was easier not to have any goals or dreams (real ones), big or small. It was easier not to care about love.


I CHOSE THIS. 


It's good that I finally realize this flaw about myself now, but I also worry about myself. How is it that it took me so long to admit my flaw? I don't want to keep making this same mistake (significant unawareness of my flaws) in the future.


I think that part of the reason is that I inherited this characteristic, either genetically or environmentally, from my mom. I am just now realizing exactly how much of a hard time she has admitting her own flaws as well.


All good to know.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

You didn't see me this morning when you could have
You're not talking to me now when you could be
I don't have any contact with you now when I could have

I feel so glum
You make me feel so little
This is a major offense to me
I'm hurt
I start crying
I'm having an internal breakdown

Maybe this is all over between you and me
What if
Could be
I have no guarantees after all...
I'm sure that this is over

I'm nothing now

Monday, April 10, 2017

Exercise update 

It's my goal to exercise more. I want to be healthy, feel good physically, and enjoy the activity (I think exercise can be fun). 


So far, so good! 


I've been doing a combination of walks around the neighborhood (it's hilly and I take about an hour) and dance classes. 


Yay for exercise!

Sunday, April 9, 2017

My beauty routine 

I don't have much of a beauty routine (as in cleaning and preserving my skin, face, hair). This isn't because I don't care about my looks. I care about them. 


I just didn't find a beauty routine that worked for me...until now, maybe. 


After trial and experimentation, I think what works for me are using natural products. By natural, I mean, really natural. Like, things I could eat and that are not processed in any way. 


I just realized that my body doesn't respond that well to products that are loaded with chemicals. I don't know if my body is more sensitive than other people's. Maybe it is; I don't know. But this idea makes sense to me. Why would products with a lot of chemicals be good for our skin or hair? I mean, we all know that between eating an apple or instant noodles...the apple is better for us. Same for things we lather on our bodies, right? 


At this point, I kind of think that part of our problem with using so many chemicals in all of our beauty products is because big companies can make profits. They tell us that this is what works and is the best. Then our bodies get physically addicted to these products. 


I mean, they wouldn't make any money if people started using extra virgin olive oil as a cleanser and a moisturizer. 


Which is what I'm trying out now (extra virgin olive oil). It sounded gross at first, but I tried it, and it seems to work for me, so far. I've also tried shea butter (which is extracted from a nut). The kind of shea butter that I most like is very unrefined. It actually separated in the case (the top is white and hard, and the bottom is yellow and creamier).


At some point, I would like to stop washing my hair so often and only use minimal, natural products to wash it. We'll see how that goes...


Anyway, I'm not using natural products to be a hippie or counter-cultural. I'm using them because I think they make me look the best, they clean better, they're a lot healthier for me, and they're cheaper. 


I'm finally excited about my beauty routine, for once. 

Saturday, April 8, 2017

I think one of the reasons people don't understand my life is that...my life is very unstructured. In that, I don't go about making a lot of plans. For anything, big or small. This doesn't mean that I don't care about things or have no goals. I do, about as much as someone can. 

I think I just have a different way of operating than some people, or maybe, a lot of people. I don't think my way is any better or worse. Just different. 


The good thing about someone who makes a lot of plans for his/her life is that he/she usually gets a lot of results. 


The good thing about how I operate, being unstructured, is that I get to "stop and smell the roses more." I don't quite know how to explain this. It's not just appreciating the simple things in life more, though that is part of it. But, that I get to experience a certain, deep side of life.


By the way, I think people are usually some combination of the two, me included. I don't have zero plans or anything. But I think I'm more on the unstructured side than almost everyone around me. 


This is a conscious choice on my part. I know what I'm giving up, and what I'm gaining. 


How did I get to be this way? I'm different from the norm in my communities, for sure. 


I don't know. Maybe part of it has to do with my parents. Despite what it looks like on the outside, my parents are actually really unconventional in a lot of ways. In both really good and really bad ways. 

Friday, April 7, 2017

Spring is my least favorite season. I could list out many reasons why. But I will look on the bright side and enjoy spring. Besides, I like Mozart's "Spring" in his Four Seasons. So there is something to spring after all. 

Spring

There are visible signs of beauty all around me
In the soft colors
In the baby animals
In the growing plants

New life
New beginnings
New everything

Fresh
Clean
Light
Active

In spring, I can't help but be positive

Thursday, April 6, 2017

How to be a better friend, more thoughts

Here were my original thoughts


I'm passionate about friendship. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I have many friends. But anyway, here are some more thoughts.


-Always think of how you can add value to their lives. That's the main purpose of friendship, I think. It's not to be self-serving.


-Share personal things with them. If you're feeling uncomfortable, that's a good sign.


-Make friendship a priority in your life. Friendship doesn't happen magically. It's a good priority to have.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

I wish that I had a life that made sense to people. It makes sense to me, kind of. But I know it makes sense to exactly zero people around me. It's not anyone's fault. It's just the way it is.

I guess, my current world is actually pretty narrow and the whole world is so big...that my life (or some significant aspects of it) must make sense to some rational people out there. Though I have yet to meet these people and don't count on it. 


Anyway, regardless, I was born to live in a community and society. It doesn't feel right that my life makes sense to no one around me. Plus, it's just incredibly hard feeling misunderstood or not understood. 


I often wonder why this is my lot in life. I certainly don't like being so different and straying from the norm. 


I guess my answer to myself is that life is hard. This is my lot. My difficulty to face. And also that, this isn't so bad. Life could be a lot worse.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Creep

I want you 

I really, really, really want you
My mind is zeroed in on you 
You're my target 

I'm going to attach myself to you

You won't be able to get me off
I'm as sticky as glue 

I can't help feeling this way 

Monday, April 3, 2017

The one activity/skill/area I most define myself by is writing stories. The longer the story, the more I define myself by it. 

I think I do this because writing stories is something I'm actually good at and because it's something I actually like/care about too.


I don't like that I do this. Why should I define myself by a story? If it's good, great. If it's not good, oh well and who cares. 

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Grief 

I liked your eyes 

I liked the way they looked at me 
I can't describe it 

You always treated me well 


And I know that the next person, whoever she is, you will treat her really well 

That's the kind of person you are 

I feel really heavy 

At one point, I thought you could have been the person for me

Saturday, April 1, 2017

When I go to ballet class, I see so many amazing dancers. And that's just in a beginning ballet class. There are so many talented dancers out there in the world. 

I have my limitations (sniff). No matter how hard I try, I'm never going to...


-Have beautiful leg extensions. My legs are not long and lean. And I'm not built for that kind of flexibility. 


-Be an amazing turner. Do lots of spins and quickly. No, not me. 


-Have impressive, breathtaking leaps. I don't know. I just know I'm not gifted like that. 


-Have a beautiful line (silhouette). I think this mostly has to do with the physical characteristics of my body. I don't have a dancer's body.


That's ok (sniff). I'll just focus on the things I think I can be good at. 


-I think I can be pretty graceful and stylistic.


-I think I have good musicality (dancing to the beat and mood of the music).


-I think I can have nice arms (strong and graceful). 


-I have strong legs so there are some moves I can probably do well.