Saturday, March 25, 2017

Intimacy in my life

I don't know how to show Jesse how much he hurt me. Not to be vengeful or to get sympathy. But just because, it's the truth.

I don't want to be that vulnerable, for him to see how hurt I was and am.

I'm sure he knows how much he hurt me. He's a reflective and smart guy. And he's not evil. But him knowing is different from me actually showing it to him.

Why bother with this? Why not just walk away and cut off interaction with him, or keep it to the bare minimum?

Because I know he's sorry. And I know he didn't mean to hurt me back then. And I don't believe he would do that now anymore.

And because there was a lot of good stuff there too. This isn't over. I owe it to myself and to him to continue with this and go deeper. For the time being anyway.

I just don't know how to be as vulnerable as I know I should. I don't know how to get to that place.

Maybe admitting my difficulty is the first step to getting there. I have a feeling that it is.

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