Saturday, March 4, 2017

I'll try to keep this short and sweet, to the point. I don't want to ramble. This isn't the time to get super emotional. I'm being self-reflective, self-critical. And as always, honest.

What I did to Jesse that hurt him, that I need forgiveness for, that I need to forgive myself for

I...

Led him on for a good three years or so (maybe a little less). For about three years, I made him think that something was possible, could be possible, between us. I showed him enough interest to make him think this.

But I was never going to really let something happen between us. He was playing a game with, chasing, a "dead" person (me). 

I didn't know how to go for things and live life. In my life thus far, I had never, ever gone after something I had really wanted. Everything significant I had done in my life up until that point, I had done for the wrong reasons. Not because I really wanted it. 

Jesse was the first thing I really wanted. And I didn't know how to make that leap. From never going after things, 30+ years of living my life this way, to going after the very biggest thing.

When we take action, we're setting ourselves up to potentially having things go wrong. Things are out of our control. This is not easy. Taking action, when appropriate, is a real strength, and necessary.

So I didn't have this strength, this skill. That's why I say Jesse invested his energy in a "dead" person.

He gave me the benefit of the doubt. How was he supposed to know this about me?

That I would lead him to a dead end.

That's not all. 

I...

Was really insecure. And he suffered for it. 

I had no idea I was so insecure. I wasn't trying to make him suffer. I wasn't doing it from a bad place in my heart. So when Jesse put up with my insecurity and suffered for it, he wasn't being a pushover or weakling. He was being kind to me. 

I'm ashamed to say that my insecurity came out in two significant situations. One was short, about a week long. The other was long...close to three years.

The first situation happened early on. I had known Jesse for a few months. He was making big moves on me. In a very, very attractive way. I went from not liking him at all, in the least bit, to...so, so much. 

And that's when I went nuts. My insecurity was in full-swing. For no reason at all, I assumed that he hated me. I thought that he was a monster. I thought that he was tormenting me and laughing about it. 

I was so hurt. And I needed him to know. For one week, Jesse put up with rage and accusations from me that he didn't deserve at all. Not only that, but he showered me with extra kindness that week. He knew I didn't deserve it, but he saw how I was so genuinely hurt by him. 

His actions towards me that week worked. I felt better again, good as new. Then everything went back to normal between us right away. 

Jesse was the target of my monstrosity. And yet he cared for me then.

After this incident, I should not have had any doubt in my mind about how much Jesse cared about me. Not just a general caring someone feels for an acquaintance, coworker, or friend. Jesse had seen a side of me, a really bad side of me, that no average person would ever see from me. Because he was something more to me. And he had responded to this terrible part of me with total, complete, utter grace. He had given me kindness that no average person could ever give me.

Yet I was still so insecure. After this incident, I still doubted whether he liked me and was ever interested in me.

I needed to take it slow with him. I needed to see more from him. I didn't know that I was being ridiculous.

So that's what he did for me. Jesse gave me his time, his energy, his care, for almost three years. Just to reassure me that he liked me.

I was terrible.

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