Friday, March 31, 2017

Hopefully my last mistake with guys

Ever since I started caring about things, some 10 years ago, I have led with my heart in love (which is a good thing), but I have also made a lot of mistakes in the process.


For me, leading with my heart in love means being objectively, physically attracted to a guy and also feeling strong friendship with him. Do I want too much? I don't think so. I deserve it.


The problem that I have faced though, time and time again, is that I don't use my head.


I have felt this love for guys and explored emotional connections with them, while rationally knowing deep-down that they totally didn't meet my criteria for a husband.


For example, I explored an emotional connection with a guy who had a long-term girlfriend and had no intention of leaving her. I knew that about him from the start. 


I explored an emotional connection with another guy who had anger issues of some sort. I knew that about him from the start.


When it ended with both of them, I was hurt. I only had myself to blame for this. After making the same mistake two times in a row, I learned that I had a problem being rational in love.


Then I met Stanley. He didn't have glaring, obvious problems like the other two guys. I did this analysis before I let myself feel anything for him. So then I thought I was good to go.


I still believe Stanley is a really decent guy. Totally believe it. One of the most decent men I have met in my life thus far. Furthermore, he has a lot of really attractive qualities. 


The only problem is that there are also some specific things that I want from a husband, very specific to me. Things involving kids, religion, lifestyle, etc. The usual things people consider when finding a partner.


If I'm honest with myself, I'm pretty sure that Stanley and I are not compatible in this respect. I could have figured this out from the beginning. If I had, then I wouldn't have gotten emotionally invested, and I wouldn't be feeling the grief that I am feeling now.


My mistake. I hope that it's my last one with guys.


When I met Jesse, from a rational standpoint, he was a mixed bag. There were some things he clearly hit the mark on. There were also some things he clearly did not hit the mark on. 


Of course, I hadn't gone through this analysis at the time. I just went for it and let myself explore an emotional connection with him.


In the process, I always felt like something was off in my interactions with him, though I couldn't put my finger on what it was. This off-feeling actually felt really, really bad the whole time.


Now I know where that off-feeling came from. My brain knew something that I didn't want to admit.


Now I can see clearly, for the first time in my life. Those things about him that didn't work for me before, have changed about him. I didn't see this from him until now. 


Rationally, now he fits what I want. I say this with all the certainty that I think I'm ever going to have. I don't feel romantic about this. I feel super practical. It feels dry and boring, but necessary. 


I choose Jesse.

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