Monday, March 27, 2017

Conclusion to my series of posts on intimacy 

Intimacy is my weak point, my trouble spot. Hopefully it won't be anymore. I really hope so. A life with little or no intimacy is not what I want. I know I would be miserable. 

By the way, as I have been writing about intimacy here, it has struck me that how can I be saying I'm bad at intimacy, when I reveal so much about myself here? Also, it's intimate just to be talking about intimacy! 

I don't know the answer to that. I just know that somehow, despite how open I am here, I am still bad at intimacy. Moving on. 

So, as far as I can tell, there are two reasons why I am so bad at intimacy.

First, I really didn't experience any intimacy growing up. My family...we just never talked to each other. Human connection wasn't really a part of life. 

I also hid myself from everyone, including myself, because of how my parents treated me. I thought that there was something wrong with the real me. My mom used to take her anger out on me when I was a small child. My dad used to treat me as a boy, and I am definitely not like a boy. So, I always felt like I had to cover myself up, the real me. 

So, my past experience is one reason why intimacy is so alien to me now. 

The other reason that I can think of, is because bravery does not come easily to me. In intimacy, we have to be brave. And being brave is really hard for me. 

I'm going to need a lot of bravery going forward. Ideally, intimacy never ends. Ideally, it increases as we go on. 

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