It's surprising that with all my ramblings about myself here, I haven't talked at all about my biggest mistake in life thus far.
Not all mistakes are okay to make. They don't always "make us stronger." The ones that are not okay to make are the ones that we don't know how to learn the appropriate lessons from. Even though things might look okay from the outside after the incident has passed, inside we are more damaged than before.
It's been more than ten years now since this particular mistake. In all this time, I have not been able to look at myself and say, "Hey, this is exactly how much you sucked and why."
Maybe now I can turn this heavy ship around.
I let myself be used for sex, often. I gave it up to a guy who acted like he cared about me, but really didn't. This went on for a really, really long time. I knew he didn't care about me. I let myself be used because I had zero self-esteem.
Besides sex, I let myself be treated really poorly. He was with me primarily because I validated him to himself, made him feel like he was worthy of a girlfriend. He had really low self-esteem. Just like me.
It has been a really long time since all this happened. I think I owe myself an apology...after all this time.