Tuesday, February 21, 2017

I'm going to be honest. Honesty is so hard for me. But I feel better when it's done. Plus, first and foremost...it's the right thing to do.

I want to explain yesterday's entry a little. About being sorry to someone.


Yesterday was President's Day. I had the day off. I was happy to get the day off. The day started off well. I slept a lot. Then I was lying around in bed, thinking some random thought, and all of a sudden this wave of dizziness just hit me. The room spun. I have never had vertigo before or nausea out of the blue like this.


That was strange and very uncomfortable. Stranger yet, the dizziness/nausea didn't go away. In fact, it just got worse.


After about an hour or two, I began throwing up. I threw up a few times.


Then I took a nap for a little bit.


Then I continued sitting around the house in a daze for most of the day. I was still nauseous.


I'm still feeling a little nauseous today. But it's better. It's under control. It's not constant. It only hits me in little waves. I'm totally functional now. (But I won't be going to dance class and doing turns or anything).


So what was the cause of my nausea/dizziness/vomiting?


I believe it all stemmed from emotional/internal stress.


Stress caused by not admitting to myself that I am not a good person and had done something wrong. 


I only started feeling physically better yesterday when I started being more honest with myself. So, I was forced into honesty. I just did it so that my nausea would go away.


It took me most of the day yesterday, a whole day of feeling ill, to be able to get to the point where I could finally admit to myself that I had done something wrong.


I finally realized that I had not been nice to Stanley, the last time I saw him. It's the same big mistake I made with Jesse. I don't intend to be mean/standoff-ish. I don't even realize I am being this way at the time. It's just my natural instinct to draw back when things are moving forward. I'm scared.


I'm scared of life. 


So, I'm trying my best to improve myself now. 


With today's post, I want to be honest about my problem, my recurring problem.


I also want to be honest about just how hard it is for me to come face-to-face with myself, to admit to myself that I should say to someone "I'm wrong," and "I'm sorry."


I mean, I had a whole day of full-on nausea, dizziness, vertigo, vomiting...caused by my reluctance to admit to myself the truth about myself. That's some REALLY strong reluctance on my part. 


I have to be like, physically almost dying, in order for me to admit to myself that I made a mistake.


Even as I write this post and dig back into this issue, I'm starting to feel nauseous again. It's hard for me to be honest.


But I'm sure I'll be better in a bit. Honesty pays off. 


This is the inner workings of me! Welcome.

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