Tuesday, February 14, 2017

I didn't know whether I should write about Valentine's Day today. I thought maybe I should write half a post about it, or maybe I should not say anything, or maybe I should just spend a whole post on it. 

I still don't know. But I feel the need to say something, at least, so I'll just start and see how much I end up saying.


I'm writing this as a single person on Valentine's Day. I don't have any plans for today.


I have spent what feels like 99% of my Valentine's Days, single. There was one, maybe two, times in my life when I wasn't single on Valentine's Day. I was 23 years old? Around there. At the time, I LOVED having someone on Valentine's Day. But when I think back about it now, I always feel so sick to my stomach. I was a horrible person then, and it was a horrible relationship. I settled, majorly, because I thought I didn't deserve better. It's really, really sad. But that's a story for another time.


For a long time, I thought Valentine's Day was my most hated holiday. Now I realize it was actually New Year's, but Valentine's Day was up there.


I have felt lots of different things on Valentine's Day in the past.


Sometimes Valentine's Day was really depressing. Sometimes I was only a little depressed/sad. Sometimes I numbed myself and didn't care. Sometimes I felt benevolent and thought to myself..."aww, love is sweet", even though I was single.


Currently? Today? This year? The week(s) leading up to today?


I do feel a little sad. And I'm not going to lie - I feel a little bitter too. I feel like I've spent so many Valentine's Days single, and part of the reason is because I choose to be patient and wait for the best. A day like this feels like society making it even harder for me to do the right thing. A big part of me feels like Valentine's Day has more of an effect in making single people feel bad, than it does in having couples celebrate/enjoy love.


Another part of me doesn't really care that much about Valentine's Day today either. This isn't because I've numbed myself. I just don't care that much about this holiday this year. I haven't thought about it too much this year. 


I guess, the benevolent part of me recognizes that Valentine's Day is a nice holiday. And the grounded part of me realizes that it's just a day, nothing to blow out of proportion. So it feels okay too. I don't really feel that much.


I guess I do have a lot to say about Valentine's Day after all. It's not easy or ideal for me. But it's not the worst.

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