Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Forgiven 

I am little

I am ugly 
I am dark 
I am worthless
I am no good 
Garbage 
I deserve to be kicked around 
Actually, this doesn't even begin to describe me 
This description is too generous 

You hate me 

You hate me so, so much 
You utterly hate me 

I can almost see the steam rising around you

The blackness coming off of you
And I cannot blame you 
You are right, and I am not 

I am in so much misery 

Over the realization of what I have done to you
I hurt you, most badly 
I can't take it back
Now it tears me apart 
I suffer immensely 

You...


You are strange 

For some reason, when I actually deserve the worst, you give me the best 

You clear me of my wrongdoing 

It's all gone 
You forgive me

This is wonderful 

Just wonderful 
I am so happy 
So very, very happy 
Deep inside of me, I cannot stop smiling 

I am really happy 

Really, really happy

Monday, February 27, 2017

I forgive you <insert name>

Hey, guess what?

I didn't even know I was mad at you
That's how bad it was 
I had to numb myself 
Greatly

Well, now I know

And it's not pretty 
You're ugly 
You're so ugly 

I'm swirling

And I'm ugly, worse than ugly 
It's downright dirty in here
So dirty it's poison

Get this poison out of my body! My life! My world! 


Please...


Well, this isn't working. There's only one thing that will work. 


I hate you so much 

You don't deserve this from me, what I'm about to give you
But I will give it to you
Because I want peace 
And because I want to live a life of love, not hate 

You owe me so much...

But I've erased your debt to me
You are clean
You are...forgiven 
I forgive you <insert name>

Part of me is dying as I do this, erasing your debt to me, completely free of charge 


But this is life

Life isn't perfect 

I forgive you <insert name>

I'm no longer mad at you
The poison that was here
Has vanished in a puff
It's like it was never, ever here 

I can smile again 

I can laugh again 
I can feel good again, be good again

Now, feeling good 

Feels twice as sweet as before

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Where to start on the grand topic of forgiveness? 

Should I approach it from a Biblical standpoint?


Emotional?


Personal situations? 


A theoretical approach? 


Well, I'm an emotional girl, so I'll start out with the emotional. But not just yet. Give me a day (or two). 

Saturday, February 25, 2017

I think I'm going to get deep here in a series of posts...

I didn't think I could get any deeper. But apparently I can.


Well, I guess it makes sense. I'm human. I'm complex. I don't like being complex. But oh well. 


Okay, the topic I'm going to spend some time focusing on is...


Are you ready? 


To be honest, I'm scared. But onwards I go. 


The topic is forgiveness.


I feel compelled to spend some time talking about it because...


It's important. And I have problems with it. 


Stay tuned, friends!

Friday, February 24, 2017

I feel like cooking something fun and semi-impressive today. Lately I've been cooking ordinary food. I enjoy that, but I don't feel like cooking that today. 

Cooking is a lot of things. One of them is an art. I need to have inspiration.


I know...


Indian food!


I like Indian food. But I don't eat it at Indian restaurants often. I find that it's too heavy and oily for my tastes there.


Maybe I'll make an Indian curry one day. For today, I'll make this tandoori chicken recipe.

Thursday, February 23, 2017


I included this image just because I like it. It has nothing to do with today's post.

A few weeks ago I wrote about the importance of exercise. I really want to make exercise a substantial part of my life.


In the past, I've been wishy-washy about exercise. I never got into the habit of it.


Anyway, I want to invest in my health.


Plus, it's fun.


I just have to take the initiative.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

In a good mood

People are nice to me, in general

It's beautiful outside
There's nothing very pressing on my mind at this moment
I enjoy the things I'm doing today

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

I'm going to be honest. Honesty is so hard for me. But I feel better when it's done. Plus, first and foremost...it's the right thing to do.

I want to explain yesterday's entry a little. About being sorry to someone.


Yesterday was President's Day. I had the day off. I was happy to get the day off. The day started off well. I slept a lot. Then I was lying around in bed, thinking some random thought, and all of a sudden this wave of dizziness just hit me. The room spun. I have never had vertigo before or nausea out of the blue like this.


That was strange and very uncomfortable. Stranger yet, the dizziness/nausea didn't go away. In fact, it just got worse.


After about an hour or two, I began throwing up. I threw up a few times.


Then I took a nap for a little bit.


Then I continued sitting around the house in a daze for most of the day. I was still nauseous.


I'm still feeling a little nauseous today. But it's better. It's under control. It's not constant. It only hits me in little waves. I'm totally functional now. (But I won't be going to dance class and doing turns or anything).


So what was the cause of my nausea/dizziness/vomiting?


I believe it all stemmed from emotional/internal stress.


Stress caused by not admitting to myself that I am not a good person and had done something wrong. 


I only started feeling physically better yesterday when I started being more honest with myself. So, I was forced into honesty. I just did it so that my nausea would go away.


It took me most of the day yesterday, a whole day of feeling ill, to be able to get to the point where I could finally admit to myself that I had done something wrong.


I finally realized that I had not been nice to Stanley, the last time I saw him. It's the same big mistake I made with Jesse. I don't intend to be mean/standoff-ish. I don't even realize I am being this way at the time. It's just my natural instinct to draw back when things are moving forward. I'm scared.


I'm scared of life. 


So, I'm trying my best to improve myself now. 


With today's post, I want to be honest about my problem, my recurring problem.


I also want to be honest about just how hard it is for me to come face-to-face with myself, to admit to myself that I should say to someone "I'm wrong," and "I'm sorry."


I mean, I had a whole day of full-on nausea, dizziness, vertigo, vomiting...caused by my reluctance to admit to myself the truth about myself. That's some REALLY strong reluctance on my part. 


I have to be like, physically almost dying, in order for me to admit to myself that I made a mistake.


Even as I write this post and dig back into this issue, I'm starting to feel nauseous again. It's hard for me to be honest.


But I'm sure I'll be better in a bit. Honesty pays off. 


This is the inner workings of me! Welcome.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Sorry 
First things first, I suck at this 
I blame you 
It must be you 
How could it possibly be me 

But...that doesn't sit well with me 

I don't feel well at all
It's not the truth 

So then, I do what I know I have to do

This is hard, but I have no right to complain 

You 

You matter 
Not me
You

You don't deserve this 

You deserve better than me
Way, way better 
Than stupid, terrible, lowly me

Sunday, February 19, 2017

I love ballet! 
It is in my soul.

Ballet 

Classic
Refined
Beautiful 
Polished
Please be your very best 
Thank you

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Having fun, often 

Step outside of yourself 

Be free
Be open 

Step within yourself 

To totally embrace it

Friday, February 17, 2017

Waiting for a guy to make the next move, the big move

In the beginning

I thought you were cute
But only good for a fling
For a serious thing, I wrote you off right away
I don't know why
It was in my head
I was close-minded

I wasn't interested in a fling though

I'm not that kind of girl
So I didn't pay any attention to you

You had more insight than me

You're better than me

You pursued me a lot

So much that I felt dizzy
You were
Very
Bold

Slowly, I became convinced

I'm not easy to crack
I think you liked that about me
It made you chase me even more

From definitely zero interest

I thought I would give you a small chance

You received my signal

You had been waiting for this

Now, I was involved

I wanted something to happen

It was your move to make again


And so I waited

And waited
And waited
And waited

For a girl, once interested, any amount of waiting

Feels like torture
And I didn't just wait a small amount
I waited a big amount 
This was torture times one million

You weren't trying to torture me 

You were just taking your time
Doing things the right way
Being a grounded and solid person

Even though I kept it all inside

You knew my angst
Impatience
As I waited
Everyone knows
That this is how girls get

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Community

Different people

All as different can be
Like the different colors of a rainbow

A multitude of different people

A very large multitude
Somehow
United together

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Beautiful landscapes in the bay area

What I see in a typical day, in the middle of February


-Clear, blue sky. It isn't bright and blinding. It's a rich, yet soft, shade of blue. 


-Rolling, brown mountains in the distance. They have rounded tops. I think that makes them look inviting.


-Lots of sunlight. It feels like I'm having a very pleasant day in the suburbs.


-Flowers, plants and trees lining clean city streets. This care elevates the already-beautiful natural landscape. 

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

I didn't know whether I should write about Valentine's Day today. I thought maybe I should write half a post about it, or maybe I should not say anything, or maybe I should just spend a whole post on it. 

I still don't know. But I feel the need to say something, at least, so I'll just start and see how much I end up saying.


I'm writing this as a single person on Valentine's Day. I don't have any plans for today.


I have spent what feels like 99% of my Valentine's Days, single. There was one, maybe two, times in my life when I wasn't single on Valentine's Day. I was 23 years old? Around there. At the time, I LOVED having someone on Valentine's Day. But when I think back about it now, I always feel so sick to my stomach. I was a horrible person then, and it was a horrible relationship. I settled, majorly, because I thought I didn't deserve better. It's really, really sad. But that's a story for another time.


For a long time, I thought Valentine's Day was my most hated holiday. Now I realize it was actually New Year's, but Valentine's Day was up there.


I have felt lots of different things on Valentine's Day in the past.


Sometimes Valentine's Day was really depressing. Sometimes I was only a little depressed/sad. Sometimes I numbed myself and didn't care. Sometimes I felt benevolent and thought to myself..."aww, love is sweet", even though I was single.


Currently? Today? This year? The week(s) leading up to today?


I do feel a little sad. And I'm not going to lie - I feel a little bitter too. I feel like I've spent so many Valentine's Days single, and part of the reason is because I choose to be patient and wait for the best. A day like this feels like society making it even harder for me to do the right thing. A big part of me feels like Valentine's Day has more of an effect in making single people feel bad, than it does in having couples celebrate/enjoy love.


Another part of me doesn't really care that much about Valentine's Day today either. This isn't because I've numbed myself. I just don't care that much about this holiday this year. I haven't thought about it too much this year. 


I guess, the benevolent part of me recognizes that Valentine's Day is a nice holiday. And the grounded part of me realizes that it's just a day, nothing to blow out of proportion. So it feels okay too. I don't really feel that much.


I guess I do have a lot to say about Valentine's Day after all. It's not easy or ideal for me. But it's not the worst.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Vulnerable, part II

Come a little closer

Slowly
I'm afraid of rejection
So afraid
There's nothing I'm more afraid of

Sunday, February 12, 2017

I was all ready to take a ballet class this morning. But when I got to the studio, I found out that it was closed. I don't know what happened. 

Anyway, before I was going, I was just getting that really bad feeling throughout my entire being of wanting to brag to people about how I take ballet classes and am really awesome at it. I mean, it can sound kind of impressive, right?


I just have to try to be a better person.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

After writing my post yesterday...

After getting more clarity about mistakes I've made in my past...


Not just a general, hazy understanding. But a much more concrete, detailed, specific understanding of the ways I went wrong...


It took some time for me to get here...


Now I feel somewhat more in control over myself, over my life. 


Okay, now I have to get spiritual here.


When God promises us freedom, a good life...


This must have been one of the ways he meant. 


Thanks, God.

Friday, February 10, 2017

I feel like a dunce. Incompetent. An idiot.

I made certain mistakes in the past. I encountered difficult situations that I didn't handle optimally. I tried my best. But I made mistakes. In the end, I made life very bad for myself.


It is sad.


Oh well.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Feeling justice
It feels elusive
Like love does
That doesn't mean it's impossible
It's rare, maybe

Victory

A long battle won
The evil men crushed and destroyed...
To pieces

So satisfying

Really wonderful

It's a special feeling

Wednesday, February 8, 2017


Last year, around this time, I marched in the San Francisco Chinese New Year parade holding a dragon. This is a picture of us on the homepage. (But you can't see me in the picture. I was near the end and blocked by the people holding the dragon in the front.)

I made myself expand my horizons and do something different with different people. 


I did not allow myself to sit around and wait for a boy to give my life meaning.


Even though all of this was so counter-intuitive and difficult for me to do...


It ended up being so great for me. I had a great time.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

-I just love winter. It brings me so much peace. It's dark and rainy this morning. Summer means instant pleasure, which is nice. But winter means something more. It means humanity to me. Something larger. It's way more fulfilling, for me.

-I tried Del Monte fruit cups yesterday. Diced peach, and mixed fruit. Wow, I just gulped them right down. They were so good. I ate them like they were candy.


-Can I mention the Superbowl briefly? I'm not a sports fan and wasn't rooting for any team in particular. But I love a good comeback! This wasn't a comeback...this was fighting for their lives. It was wonderful. 

Monday, February 6, 2017

You're mean to me
You make me feel things I don't want to feel
Don't deserve to feel
You hurt me
You bring me down
You make me sad
You make me feel little
I don't sleep well
I lose my appetite
I have bad skin
My mind can't focus
I don't like feeling this way

Sunday, February 5, 2017

I'm the kind of girl that if I was ever in a relationship with a guy I really liked, I would just drop everything and wait around for him all the time. 

I guess you could call me...CLINGY, NEEDY, DEPENDENT...PSYCHOTIC?


I don't think it matters whether I'm 13, 30, or 50. I'm like this. 


Okay, I know this is a problem for many females. But it's a wide spectrum. I'm pretty sure I'm as bad as it gets, on the far end of the spectrum. I think that in this regard, I just have to try way harder than a lot of women.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Living on instinct

I don't know what I'm doing. In general. 


I don't understand life. I have incomplete, limited knowledge. 


So ultimately....


How I operate, how I choose to operate...


There really isn't a reason for it, that I can articulate. I just do what feels right to me at the time. It isn't a feeling. Instinct, maybe. 


So I do it. I roll the dice. And hope that it will all make sense to me later. 


It's scary, but feels kind of good too. I don't even know why it feels good. Living on instinct. 

Friday, February 3, 2017

I wonder when he'll come again to the office. He has been coming often. I don't really think it's for work. He should be coming again soon...I think. It's not Jesse that I'm talking about. It's another guy. Stanley.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

My relationship with food

Well, I didn't always have the best relationship with food (see here)...in a primal way, I didn't care about food...but that changed.


Anyway, I have a pretty good relationship with food now, which is that...


I like it!


I see it as something to enjoy, first and foremost.


I look forward to eating certain foods, and then I eat them!


Right now, I'm craving Chinese deep-fried honey walnut shrimp. Maybe I'll eat it sometime in the very near future? Life is wonderful.


After enjoyment, I consider my health. Actually, healthy food and enjoyment is somewhat intertwined for me. I often like food better when I know it's good for me.


Then after that...health and enjoyment...I consider my appearance/weight. My appearance/weight is definitely a lesser factor in my relationship with food. It matters...but not at the expense of the other two factors, particularly enjoyment.


This is a battle I often fight. I'm often tempted to care more about my appearance/weight than enjoying food or being healthy. My initial desire is to err on the side of eating just a little less food than what I naturally want to eat, just so I can look thin.


But I don't like being this way. I don't want to be this way. I want my superficial desires to definitely be last on my list of factors in how I approach food.


So, I fight my urge to care so much about my appearance/weight, with certain thoughts.


I think about...


1) How I would rather live a life of enjoying food (and life) and being healthy, than looking good for others. If this means that I end up looking a little larger than what I would like, so be it. 


2) This is my personal opinion and preference, but I actually think that women with some fat on them look really good. For example, I think Marilyn Monroe looked GREAT! But by today's standards, she would be considered a little large. 


It took me a long time to realize that I've been really influenced by what society thinks is beautiful. And it doesn't have to be that way. And it shouldn't be, when it's unhealthy. So one day, I thought outside the box and then I realized...you know what, I actually think that some fat on women looks the best. I really do.


My relationship with food...it's not a simple matter. It says a lot about me psychologically. 

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

How to be a better friend

I'm not an expert. These are thoughts from an ordinary girl.


-Ask them how they are every once in awhile, out of the blue...just for no reason but a checkup.


-Spend quality time with them. That's time you give them. It's not really for your benefit. It means some sacrifices on your end.


-Don't judge them. Assume you probably don't know what's going on. If you do judge them, do it cautiously.