Sunday, January 1, 2017

I have always approached New Year's with dread. Now that I think about it, it was my most hated holiday. Yeah, I think so. I didn't even know this. I hated it so much I pretended/acted like it wasn't really a holiday, which was easy to do because it's so short and it kind of gets lost among all the other holidays in the season. So since it was practically nonexistent in my mind as a holiday, I didn't even realize really how much I hated it. 

Okay, there were several reasons I hated this holiday so much. 

1. It signifies the end of the holiday season and going back to lots of work. Winter also feels kind of bleak. The excitement of the beginning of winter and the magic of winter being in the holiday season has worn off.

2. I was never one of those people who got really excited for NYE parties and countdowns. But I always felt like I should have been though. The bigger and swankier the party, and the more extravagant the countdown...always felt like something I SHOULD have been at. I had a big case of FOMO (fear of missing out). Yet this type of celebration isn't really my thing. I didn't know how to reconcile these two parts of myself. If I wasn't at a hip party (most of the time), I felt bad. If I was at a party...I also felt really bad and super out of it. Either way, I was destined to feel bad on NYE. 

3. Finally, most significantly...I always felt like my life was just passing me by. And here was the concrete marker for this...a whole year gone already, a new year number with numbers so high it always made me cringe. How can it be 2004 already? 2010? 2013? 2016? You get the point...

I mean, I wasn't happy with my life and a very large part of me was never hopeful about my future. So for this holiday, deep down, I only felt worry, sad, empty, and negative emotions of that sort. I just couldn't wait for this holiday to be over and all remnants of this holiday gone from my daily life. 

I still feel this way on this holiday, a little. I can't do a complete change all of a sudden. But, now there is also a light here that wasn't ever here before. This change is pretty significant for me. 

Today, I look forward to taking a walk and eating some healthy food as a way to celebrate the future and start off on a good note. 

Happy New Year!

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