Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Vulnerable
Feels uncomfortable yet free
And loving 
And soft
I'm so soft
Like a pillow

Monday, January 30, 2017

The importance of exercise

This is a value that has been handed down to me by my parents. I mean, they really treat exercise as a good habit...as an obligation...almost as a moral duty.


They both exercise A LOT. They both stress how important it is for health. Exercise prevents bad health. And it's important to start early.


They also both really enjoy it. They pick physical activities that they enjoy.


So I think that exercise is a pretty cool thing.


It should be a pretty big part of our lives. I think that we're built to move...a lot.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

I...

Can get really sucked into wanting to look good when I'm in a group of people and also into fitting in with society. 


Today I was at church and I felt myself going down this dark path. It's a disease.


I'll take shallow validation and false comfort any day. Yep. 


No good.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

I don't have too much to say today. Nothing really. That's a good thing.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Random things that make me happy:

-Nutritious yet tasty home-cooked meals

-Pale pink, especially on flowy things
-Framing pictures I like
-Pajamas
-Fresh air

Thursday, January 26, 2017

The struggle

I don't know much about life. I don't think I'll ever have it figured out. I don't think I'll ever sit back and go...yep, I have it all under control. If that happens, I think part of me will die a little bit. What fun would it be to know and be able to plan everything in advance? It just doesn't feel right.


Instead, I think I'll live a life where I'll always be struggling every day. 


Struggling is...


Scary

Painful
Draining

But I think I'll do it...I'd like to do it.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

I feel like I need to do something spontaneous today, but I don't know what. Something small to shake up my routine. I feel like I'm in a rut.

Being spontaneous is not my thing (at all), it's like scary for me and stuff...I don't know how to explain it.


So I'm having trouble thinking of what I want to do. This isn't my thing.


Okay, I think I figured out what I want to do. Wow, that took me a long time to think up. I'm really bad at being spontaneous.


I'll go to a "Beginning Bollywood" dance class tonight. I chose the most different (but suitable) dance class I could find. I've never thought about learning Bollywood dance. I just want to do something different.


I have no idea what to expect. I won't call ahead of time to ask about the class (like what I would normally do). I'll just show up!

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

I feel like I should apologize for writing this or give a reason for writing it...but why should I?

Here are some things I like about myself!


-I like my smile. I smile a lot genuinely. And I think I have a face that physically looks good when I smile.


-I like that I have an imagination and I'm creative.


-I like that I care.


-I like my speaking voice. I think it sounds feminine but not annoying.


And more!

Monday, January 23, 2017

Feeling positive
I feel good
I feel excited
I see light
This is very nice
It's the right way to be

Sunday, January 22, 2017

It's harder to give than to receive. I don't mean for the small things. Like giving a friend a piece of candy or buying them a meal out of friendship...that's very nice, but I don't think that's terribly hard. But for the big things. The really big things. It gets exponentially harder, the bigger it is. When you know in your heart that you're giving up something extremely precious to you only for the sake of someone else...man that is HARD. 

I mean, it makes me cry...


That's how hard it is.
Lucky 
I didn't do much 
But by grace
I have received much 
I think I was born to feel this way 
I feel like a coin being tossed into the air 
And it works

Friday, January 20, 2017

I used to think I had to be the best
At everything
I wanted to depend on myself
I didn't trust others
Now I can't say exactly why
But I have a feeling
That isn't the right way to live

Thursday, January 19, 2017

I don't breathe oxygen, I breathe words

Cause writing is in my soul.


When I started kindergarten, I didn't much like any stuff having to do with English. I actually didn't know English very well; Chinese and Taiwanese were my first languages and what I spoke at home. So why would I like anything to do with English? It was difficult.


Then I started learning to read. It was hard at first, but after I got over an initial stumbling block, I progressed quickly.


I started going over to the school library during my free time, probably during lunch. I don't remember anyone telling or encouraging me to do this. I just did it. I was like a moth drawn to a flame.


I was so little. Maybe in first grade? I would pick out picture books with words and read them to myself. Sometimes I came across words I didn't know and couldn't sound out. But I didn't mind the difficulty. I liked reading.


I read a lot when I was young. Maybe part of it was because I didn't have many friends, so reading filled something up. But I think that even if I did have a lot of friends, I would have been drawn to reading anyway.


I think I was just born to read. I really can't explain it. Sometimes, I can read any kind of text - technical, boring text - and still find this soothing and relaxing. I just DO it.


But actually, as an adult, I rarely read for fun anymore. I'm really picky. But I do like many children's books still. I like the moral messages behind them. I have to read stuff that's purposeful and written with a good moral message in mind, I guess. 


Anyway, writing is the cousin to reading. If I find myself reading because I just DO it...I find myself writing because I just DO it too.


Let me explain. I think in sentences. Not as in, I think with proper grammar, but as in, with something I construct out of words. That's how my thoughts roll. Not all the time, but sometimes. Is that weird? 


I just have to, like, construct sentences and put words together. I HAVE to do it.


So that's the most basic, primitive, instinctual reason I write: I just do.


So, when I was very young, maybe starting around second grade or so...I would just get this...itch...this urge...to write stories. I HAD to do it. I had to draw pictures and write words to go with them and make books. I did this for fun on weekends. It didn't matter what the story was; I just had to write and create something. It felt like the most exciting thing ever. 


So that's some of the roots of writing for me and how writing for me started.


When I write...


Doesn't matter what it is...


A polished piece of writing that's worthy of being paid for. A blog post. A technical manual or a law essay. A hastily scribbled journal entry.  


I'm not just getting out my soul. I'm not just expressing it.


I'm actually adding to my soul each time. There's a little bit more in me, way deep in me, that wasn't there before.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Gloomy skies
Wet and dirty
Cold air that never seems to go away
This is the real winter
Idyllic, clean, crisp, picture-perfect visions of winter
Don't last 

It's endless

It's uninspiring
It's not good

So dig a little deeper

To make what's inside count
And not outside

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Hip hop and being bad

I admit it makes me uncomfortable. And awkward. But if I can't express it here, how can I express it in dance?


Okay, I'm going to try to get into this.


By the way, when I was taking professional pictures for fun in Costa Rica, the photographer asked me to put my hands up in this sexy pose, and I totally failed. I mean, I let her take the picture, but it turned out terribly. I looked like someone struggling to grab the monkey bars or something.


So maybe it goes something like this...


I know you want me

But you can't have me
I'm a tease
Sorry...No, I'm not sorry

This is just for fun

No love
It's not about love
Just fun

I'm in control

No you're in control
I'm in control
No you're in control
Over me

Monday, January 16, 2017


I'm a hipster/alternative/grunge girl

Yeah...no one would ever guess it. That side of me doesn't come out. It's overshadowed by my other side...girly, clean-cut, classic, professional, modest, whatever.


But there's this other side of me too!


I grew up in the 90's. I was just entering into my teen years in the mid 90's, when grunge/alternative music and style was the biggest thing. So this stuff defines my youth. Plus, this style is all about being young...liberal, free, counter-cultural...


I secretly wish I was a hipster. When I went to UC Berkeley for college...that was one of my secret wishes. Though I could never actually pull it off and really live the hippie lifestyle. 


I just wanted to be young! To feel young!


Good stuff. Good thing I can still feel it too.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Sunday Biblical thoughts flowing through my mind...

-God uses the weak to lead the strong. He equips them. Therefore, no one can boast about being a leader. We can only boast about God who gives us strength. 


-God promises us freedom. In this life. It's a big concept...a grand promise.
One of my favorite things to do is to walk on foot to places. I guess this isn't practical for the kind of life I live, but I really wished I lived in a society where this was normal. No cars or vehicles or motors around us. Horses for traveling would be ok. 

Walking on foot is so simple and basic, it just strips away all the the things that clog my life and make me twisted. It brings me back to what's important in life. Plus, it's really nice to pass by other people walking on foot too. I feel an instant human connection. It sure beats passing each other in noisy, isolated cars. 


Well, I can dream.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Using my brain

Well, this is embarrassing, but I don't think I use my brain well. I mean, I think I can get overly, unhealthily carried away by my emotions. I feel vulnerable discussing this right now. 


I guess I'm weird. Due to my training and background, when I WANT to use my brain and logic and rational thinking, I can be great at it. I make connections and stuff pretty well, decently well.  


And there ARE a lot of situations actually, where I do tap into this side of myself very easily, very naturally. Just the way it should be.


Such as...situations involving work and getting a job done. Practical matters such as buying things or planning things. Understanding intellectual or complex discussions in general.


But then, there are other situations, where I flat-out suck at using my brain. 


Actually, I think that this happens basically in one situation, but it's a big one:


Whenever my insecurity takes over. This can happen in love. At work. Wherever. Anywhere.


I don't even realize that I have a brain to use, in these situations. Never mind actually using it.


I've been slowly learning to use my brain more in these situations, more and more, and I feel like I'm dying (that my inner self is dying) when I do this. It is HAAAARD for me.


Um, I can't really imagine a day when I have conquered this problem to manageable levels.


I think I need to be more optimistic and do some visualization exercises, or something.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Places to hide out at during winter

I like the cold, but only when I'm inside somewhere warm. I don't actually like feeling cold.


Here are some places that come to mind for me...


Bakeries and places to drink a cup of tea

Libraries
The kitchen
My room

This is very appealing to the introvert in me.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

People are kind

I know this, but I don't think about this as often because the bad stuff from people takes more energy to deal with. Here is a recent, little nice thing from people reminding me that people are nice. 


Several times recently, people at the grocery checkout lines told me to go before them because I had significantly less groceries than them. I didn't ask to go first.


It kind of makes me feel like...the world could be Disneyland.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

I am not an expert on love...romantic love. But I've written about so many emotions here...I think I can write a little about love too. 

Love


Delicious 

A sweet treat 
Something extra 
And extra special 

There's warmth 

Mystery 
Energy
A combination that really works 

Light

Yet deep 
So, so right

Monday, January 9, 2017

Sunrise

Today I was driving to work and I caught the last of sunrise.


Now, I am not really a morning person. Nor am I a night owl. I think I'm in between. I peak in the afternoon. 


So, what I'm trying to say, is that it's not normal for me to gush about sunrises.


Today though, as I saw the sun, I just thought,


"It's a new morning.


Everything is wiped clean.


It's a fresh start."


I guess, I may not think so - I get caught up in my own stuff - but the sun, which is bigger than me, doesn't. It still rises just the same each day.


And then I started thinking about an undeniably beautiful thing in this world, flowers.


In moments like this, I wondered, how is it possible to question whether beauty and love exist? They sure do exist.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

What to make for dinner today? This rainy and windy weather (about as bad as it gets in California) calls for some serious winter food, but I don't want to spend hours in the kitchen. 

I'll make a very easy chicken noodle soup. It feels like the right thing to do.
Hi, I'd like to be accountable to myself (that's a first) so here is a list of some of the bad things I've done lately: 

-I lied to my boss. It was a lie about something very minor. I said I had done something, when I hadn't. She asked me in such a critical way, maybe her tone could have been a little softer and then maybe I wouldn't have lied? Anyway, none of this justifies what I did. 


-I have been using a lot of swear words and bad words lately when I'm annoyed at things. I think it started with driving in lots of traffic all the time, which was stressful. Anyway, I do this a lot now. 


-I'm really vain about showing off to people about how great I can look with my outfits. I think about how much I can impress people.


Sigh. I feel gross now. I still accept myself...I think.

Friday, January 6, 2017


I am wearing the Enchanted Headband from the Noonday Collection today.

I feel like a princess. I feel like I'm a bride wearing hair accessories on her wedding day or something.


Is it a bit flashy for work? Maybe? Is it out of the ordinary for me? Yes. But I like the risk!


This makes me feel like a princess, and that makes me happy.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Hip hop

I have talked about ballet a lot here, and I feel like I have somewhat of an understanding of ballet. It comes intuitively to me. I'm not experienced and don't have great skill, but I get it.


Hip hop is a different story. I don't feel it in my soul. But I like it, and I think I could be good enough at it if I really tried.


Anyway, here is my understanding of hip hop thus far:


-It's "street." I hear that a lot. I'm sure there are a lot of interpretations for that. To me, I guess this means that there are "no rules." It's weird. Hip hop has rules, like all dance, but then...it doesn't.


-It's not polished. In ballet, the default posture is to stand straight and elegantly. In hip hop, it's to slouch and bend your knees.


-It's fun! Fun is up to the dancer to find it. Maybe it means being happy. Maybe it means breaking rules. Maybe it means being sexy and "bad." Maybe it means blatantly showing off. Maybe it means being unpredictable.


Yeah, I like it!

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

It really feels like it's winter in California now. It's raining all week, on and off.

This makes traffic a lot worse. We don't know how to drive in rain. Everyone just drives a lot slower. Which is fine by me. I'm part of this group.


I feel like eating hot soup often.


I feel like baking warm, substantial things.


I want to wear cute winter outfits. This is hard for me to do, especially with dresses and skirts. I feel bulky. I think one trick is to mix different patterns and colors together in order to create a pleasing and interesting look.


I just want to be anywhere indoors where there is a nice heater on!

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

I am back at work today, but I feel like I am still glowing from vacation. Not just from the trip to Costa Rica, but also from the days off afterwards. So, here are a few more pictures. They show off some of the best parts of my vacation. 


Petting a dog at a restaurant in Costa Rica!

 Hotel lobby!


Beach next to hotel!

Chicken dish I made at home!

Healthy food I made at home! (post-trip diet)

Monday, January 2, 2017

I can't believe I have to go back to work tomorrow! It's my last day of vacation today! 

Well, instead of thinking about how terrible it is to go back to work soon (sniff), I'll just think about how I had a relatively great, pretty good, very nice, break!

Sunday, January 1, 2017

I have always approached New Year's with dread. Now that I think about it, it was my most hated holiday. Yeah, I think so. I didn't even know this. I hated it so much I pretended/acted like it wasn't really a holiday, which was easy to do because it's so short and it kind of gets lost among all the other holidays in the season. So since it was practically nonexistent in my mind as a holiday, I didn't even realize really how much I hated it. 

Okay, there were several reasons I hated this holiday so much. 


1. It signifies the end of the holiday season and going back to lots of work. Winter also feels kind of bleak. The excitement of the beginning of winter and the magic of winter being in the holiday season has worn off.


2. I was never one of those people who got really excited for NYE parties and countdowns. But I always felt like I should have been though. The bigger and swankier the party, and the more extravagant the countdown...always felt like something I SHOULD have been at. I had a big case of FOMO (fear of missing out). Yet this type of celebration isn't really my thing. I didn't know how to reconcile these two parts of myself. If I wasn't at a hip party (most of the time), I felt bad. If I was at a party...I also felt really bad and super out of it. Either way, I was destined to feel bad on NYE. 


3. Finally, most significantly...I always felt like my life was just passing me by. And here was the concrete marker for this...a whole year gone already, a new year number with numbers so high it always made me cringe. How can it be 2004 already? 2010? 2013? 2016? You get the point...


I mean, I wasn't happy with my life and a very large part of me was never hopeful about my future. So for this holiday, deep down, I only felt worry, sad, empty, and negative emotions of that sort. I just couldn't wait for this holiday to be over and all remnants of this holiday gone from my daily life. 


I still feel this way on this holiday, a little. I can't do a complete change all of a sudden. But, now there is also a light here that wasn't ever here before. This change is pretty significant for me. 


Today, I look forward to taking a walk and eating some healthy food as a way to celebrate the future and start off on a good note. 


Happy New Year!