Monday, June 26, 2017

San Francisco 

I am not really a city girl. I don't know what I am. A floater, maybe. I think I could hypothetically be okay living in a big city, suburb, small town, or farm. I don't believe I have a very strong preference for living in any one of these areas over the others.

So even though I'm not really a city girl, some cities simply make me feel so much (in a good way). When I think about them, when I think about being there...I feel something special. It's kind of a romantic feeling, but not exactly that either.

San Francisco is one of these cities. New York City is another one too (maybe I'll talk about it in the future). Taipei too. 

San Francisco is a dreamy city to me. It makes me think of the past, of longing, and of youthful idealism. 

Maybe it's because of the image of the clouds on the Golden Gate Bridge, the fog surrounding the city, the liberalism, the intriguing Pacific Ocean. I don't know.

Anyway, I just feel lucky that I get to feel so much. Some of my most special feelings come from the mystique and glamour of big cities.

Sunday, June 25, 2017


There is something about cooking for someone. There is something about having someone cook for you. I would almost call it magical. 

It's not purely about the taste of home-cooked food, or the admirable effort and thought that goes into home-cooked food, or that home-cooked food is healthier (maybe) and cheaper than pre-made food...

Cooking warms the heart because it is such a tangible way of showing people that you enjoy taking care of them. Not just that you can take care of them and will do it, but that you actually enjoy it too.
Friendly chat 

-We were in a heat wave last week! I'm glad it's over now. 

-I've been enjoying my weekends. I'm not sure how the time can go by so fast doing absolutely nothing, but it does. I sleep, I eat, I watch random things on YouTube, I surf the some errands/chores...and then I sleep.

-I visited an animal shelter with my dad and sister last week for Father's Day. We were not looking to get a dog, but just learning more. Seeing those dogs broke my heart. I tried not to get attached and greatly limited my interaction with them, but still! I've just been thinking about those dogs, and dogs generally, because of that trip. I'm not in a place in my life right now to get a dog though. Someday, hopefully.

-I went to a jazz class last week and the teacher said something that really resonated with me. She said that we will never be at a place in dance and in life generally, when we can say, "I'VE ARRIVED!" (as in, I've made it, I know what I'm doing now). So we should just always embrace the moment right now :). 

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Humbleness struggle 

I have this thing. It's a really big thing in my life. Really big. 

Are you ready? 

I have this thing about wanting to be well-liked by a lot of people. I want to be popular! 

I want everyone to be mesmerized by my beauty and charm!

This attitude sure isn't right.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Thankfulness should be constant. Here are some things that I am thankful for:

-Hot showers. I love to feel clean. 

-Air conditioning. We're in a heat wave. 

-Using pure shea butter as lotion. I currently have four shea butter products that I regularly use. I love shea butter!

-Ice cream. I just discovered and really enjoyed eating Haagen-Dazs' Coffee Almond Crunch ice cream bars this last week. 

Thursday, June 22, 2017

A new goal

Goals are good. They keep us young! They're a bit scary too (what if I don't reach them? I don't want to be disappointed about not having something. I also don't want to feel like a failure). But I think the fear is the part that keeps us young!

My new goal is pretty simple. It's just a little something more to add to the back of my mind at times. 

It's to befriend someone who is much older than me, and someone who is significantly younger than me. That's two people. The level of friendship I'm looking for in both cases is being able to hang out one-on-one, for fun. 

I hope it happens!!!

Wednesday, June 21, 2017


Not shaken up often 

Almost always in the same good state 
An inner stability 
Takes constant effort

Monday, June 19, 2017


Lots of possibilities 

They make me excited 
I can't do everything though
I choose the best to do
Then look forward to it

Sunday, June 18, 2017


Wonderful day ahead 

Lots of possibilities 
Soak it all in

Saturday, June 17, 2017

No plan

Deliberately no commitment 

Possibilities become more exciting
Whatever ends up happening
You're already satisfied 
A gift to yourself
Friday night 



Friday, June 16, 2017

One year ago 

One year ago (generally speaking, not specifically today)...I was kind of okay. In some ways I was okay, and in some ways I wasn't okay.

Yeah. I wasn't completely one way or the other. But this answer is better than the answer I would have given last year, and all the years of my life before then since I've been old enough to think about this. Back then, my answer would have pretty much always been, "One year ago I was struggling", or worse, "One year ago I was in bad shape." 

So I'm pretty happy with my answer today.

Thursday, June 15, 2017


What is the heart of loyalty? 

Loyalty means sticking with someone or something, even when it's incredibly difficult to. 

It's about living for something greater than yourself. 

I don't think I'm a disloyal person by any means, but I'd like to be a more loyal person.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017



No danger 
Everything is okay and will be okay 
A safe bubble 
Nice to have from time to time

Monday, June 12, 2017

After yesterday's post, the natural topic for today's post things (to me) that I have realized that I am good at! Here it is:

-I am good at singing on pitch when I concentrate. I have perfect pitch. I don't have a strong voice or big vocal range, but I can sing perfectly on key, and when I do that, it sounds good. I've known for awhile that I have perfect pitch, but I didn't know until recently how good this could make my singing sound. 

-I am good at being fairly open-minded/non-judgmental about people. It's about ultimately valuing people just for who they are as humans, and nothing else. This was a trait I developed. 

-I am good at convincing people of things through rational points. I am usually right in these situations. As long as I can get my emotions under control, I am good at this. 

That's it for now!

Sunday, June 11, 2017

As I go through life, my perception of myself changes. I see new good and bad things about myself. Here are some new things (to me) that I have realized that I am bad at:

-I am not good at interior decorating. I thought I would be good at it. It seems crafty and feminine and like something I would be good at. Myers-Briggs said I would be good at it (I'm an ISFJ). But I'm not good at it. I don't have an innate sense of style here.

-I am not good at standing up for myself. Okay, I always knew this, but I didn't realize just how bad I was. 

-I am not good at getting people excited about things. I am not a good promoter. I would be a terrible saleswoman for this reason. This is sad, because this is a skill that is beneficial in so many situations. 

That's it for now!


The best of the best
At the top
For this moment 

Saturday, June 10, 2017


Nearing the end 

Relax a little 
And also push even harder 
Friday is a well-earned reward

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Using my brain really well

I've talked about how I am both good and bad at using my brain/being rational and logical. 

The one situation (a big one) where I struggle with using my brain is when I'm feeling insecure. I let my feelings take over. 

I think a lot of it has to do with lack of self-control. Anyway, I think I'm getting better at this now. 



Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Monday, June 5, 2017

I want to take a solo trip somewhere. Somewhere fun that I've never been to before. I'm not opposed to joining multi-day group tours. But I want it to ultimately be a solo trip in that I want to be in charge and call all the shots (such as deciding the destination, for how long, which tours to go on, basically everything). 

I want it to be a super fun trip. What exactly super fun means for me, I don't know what that is yet, but I trust that it'll come to me in time! 
I like being a girl

I'm not just proud to be female and proud of what females can accomplish (I'm a feminist). I really enjoy being female too. I really enjoy fulfilling a role in this world that only females can. It makes me feel special and lovely.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Ode to time

Time gives us perspective 

Time reveals how things really are 
Time shows us what's really important 
Time heals us
Be kind 


Put a piece of yourself out there
As much as you can 
And then a little more

Thursday, June 1, 2017



Spending energy 

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

A happy childhood memory 

When I was very young, definitely still a child and able to believe in wonderful magic all around me, not quite understanding the difference between reality and magic, around 5 or 6 years old...

I went to Disneyland with my family. 

At the time, I don't think I knew what Disneyland was prior to going. Disney wasn't a huge part of my life back then. Disney princesses and characters weren't a big deal to me because I didn't really know about them and didn't know to look for them at the park. I don't remember meeting any   characters at Disneyland, and if I did meet any, it didn't leave a significant impact on me.

But what I do remember was It's a Small World. 

I'm sure the impressive castle on the outside had something to do with it. 

But once inside, I thought I had entered into another world. I actually, as the ride went on, started thinking that this world must be real. After all, the puppets/characters were moving and singing and there were so many of them and the sets were so elaborate to my young eyes and the ride just kept going on drawing me in even more...

And the message that they were singing about was so uplifting...

We are all loved. All of our differences are celebrated. The whole world is totally united. 

I believed them. 

I really felt love in the air, coming from these wonderful puppet/character things. 

I made my mom take what seemed like a million pictures of the puppets/character things. I thought that if she took the pictures, there would be proof that they existed, that this was real! I was just brimming over with happiness and excitement. It's a very fond memory.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017


Normal things 

Nothing special 
Lots of it
For a very long time 
It's life 
It's a pleasant, steady cycle 

Monday, May 29, 2017

A day off 

A day of no responsibilities

A day to relax 
A day to indulge
A very nice day 

Sunday, May 28, 2017


I can do whatever I want 

And I can be whoever I want 
The world feels so open  

There are still rules to follow 

But they're not oppressive 
I see how they bring joy 
And they feel freeing too 
More things I like about myself 

(First post on this here

But first things first, why do I always feel the need to apologize or justify myself when I start a list like this? Why do I feel like I've already said enough good things about myself and now I'm going overboard? I'm not used to treating myself well. 

-I like my skin tone. I'm kind of tan.

-I like that I'm sentimental and emotional.

-I like that I have a fiercely independent streak. I won't let a man define me. (But I'm not hard-hearted; I still need a man!)

-I like that I'm strong/brave enough to do things my way and refuse to do things just to be like everyone else. 

Saturday, May 27, 2017

One really special friend  

I would like one really special girlfriend.

To laugh with, to relate to, to help each other with things, to share really personal things with.

We would be loyal to each other. We would go through significant events in life, the chapters of life, together. We would make each other much better people. 

We would have our own traditions. Our inside jokes. Our own language. Like siblings, like family, even though we would not be related. 

We would continually see our friendship just growing stronger through time. 

I think most or many of us want this one really special friend. It's really special.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

-Our office is having a potluck tomorrow (well, two of the departments). I'm looking forward to it. I think it will be a welcoming and fun mix of people. I'm also looking forward to baking muffins for the potluck. It's an easy recipe, and I just really enjoy cooking for people.

-I think I will buy a pair of jazz shoes. I want to start getting into jazz. I'm excited by it! I think it's complex and fun at the same time.

-Long weekend coming up! I don't have any exciting plans for Memorial Day weekend, but I'm looking forward to it. 

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

The hard part is just beginning

This is my last post in this series of posts on patience! When I started this series, I couldn't wait to finish it because I didn't like thinking about patience. Now that I'm here, I can only say that the hard work is just beginning. Patience is a lifelong attitude, and well, struggle.

My definition of patience is happily waiting for something you really want and/or need.

The key word is, happily.

I'm working on it.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Patience for ages

It's hard for me to imagine myself practicing patience...forever. It's hard for me to imagine myself even being patient right after I stop focusing/writing about patience in this series of posts.

This is where some rational, inner self-talk comes in. 

I have to rationally tell myself that I'm going to always need patience because there are ALWAYS going to be things I really want, that I don't have in that moment yet. Lots of things.

I have to rationally tell myself that I want to be patient in the future because patience is a virtue, a good trait. I want to be good. And along with that, there are many, many positive things that come from being patient.

It's basically just a lot of talking to myself.

Monday, May 22, 2017

I want intimacy (deep emotional intimacy) in my life...right now.

I want to feel truly comfortable in my own be fully my own person outside of any job, relationships, role, etc. that might define love doing things on my own...I want to be this independent...right now.

I want to be proud of how I do my job, be proud of the kind of person I am at my job, and feel like I could leave my job with my head held high...right now.

I want to experience a new kind of relationship in my have a quality relationship with my own child...right now.

I want to see my sister in a truly fulfilling relationship and being the best person she can be...right now.

And a lot more.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

I think I'm going to end my series on patience soon. I feel like I have my impatience a little more under control now. I feel somewhat more confident, confident enough, in my ability to be patient now.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Coming to a place of peace about patience 

I don't feel like I'm fighting the idea of patience as much as I was before. I feel like I'm kind of okay with it. I kind of even like it actually.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Starting from the Bible

In all this time that I've been talking and thinking about patience, I've hardly thought about what the Bible says about it.

Which is weird, because the Bible is the foundation for how I approach everything. I believe everything in the Bible to be true, and as I just said, it is the foundation for how I live life.

So maybe that's why I've been feeling so off this whole time I've been thinking about patience. I didn't start with the Bible as my foundation, as I normally would have for something like this. I can only conclude that this is because patience is a concept I really resist, or something.

So now I've forced myself to think about what the Bible says about patience.

The Bible clearly considers patience important. It's mentioned all over the Bible.

The Bible also instructs us to be patient. Patience is an action, something we must consciously try to do, a muscle to be used.

On a personal application level, I take all of this to mean that...this is a clear sign I'm supposed to take patience seriously!

It's also a very noble feature. Patience is mentioned as one of God's characteristics, as love, and as one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit.

In the past, there was a part of me that whenever I thought about patience, I just thought of a really boring, really old person, sitting around. It made me cringe. 

I don't know where I got this distorted idea/vision of patience from. My own immaturity, I suppose.

Now, when I think about patience, I hope to immediately think of it as something wonderful that brings joy to my heart...

I hope to see it as some combination of love, hope, faith, self-control, goodness...

I hope that what comes to mind is a wonderful person, lively and full of inner strength.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

The longer I'm going on about the topic of patience, the harder it is for me. I really have to dig deep.

Today I want to talk about how having anything good in life requires patience.

I'm not talking about having superficially good things in life, happiness that mainly only lasts for moments. Such as finding a good parking space, indulging in something luxurious, experiencing thrills from an exciting activity, having a fun moment, a temporary boost to our self-esteem, etc.

I'm also not talking about having survival needs met and having basic lifestyle needs met, which is obviously a very important and good thing to have, but beyond what I'm talking about today.

I'm talking about happiness that comes from having something very meaningful to us, whatever it may be. Independence, quality relationships of all types, leaving behind a good legacy, etc. 

These things touch a part of ourselves that is very central to us. So central that they are mostly in our subconscious being.

They are significant. And the effects on us of having these things, or not having these things, are long-lasting.

These things take time to develop. Time is a key ingredient. They require patience.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017



After a long time 
Patiently waiting 



This feels right 

And long-lasting 

Tuesday, May 16, 2017


I constantly amaze myself. It's funny that with everything I've said about myself on here...

I have not once talked about how I was (am?) spoiled. It's a big part of me.

I guess it's not a flattering thing to talk about. And I guess I couldn't really talk about it if I hadn't kind of overcome it, because I wouldn't have the right perspective otherwise.

Anyway, I'm here to talk about being spoiled now.

Growing up, I had everything. My dad made a lot of money. His parents, my grandparents, also made a lot of money. I came from new money and old money. There was money everywhere. 

I didn't understand things like: 

-being in want of basic needs

-struggling to make ends meet
-needing to work for things
-facing the uncertainty of not having enough money one day
-the importance of money

I wasn't and am not materialistic. My parents are not materialistic, and they didn't raise me that way. But, I still didn't grasp the above concepts.

Along with having no concept of money, my mom spoiled me because she did everything for me. She also didn't teach me many life lessons along the way. 

Thus, when I grew up and vaguely realized that I was going to be on my own one day (I am not a trust fund baby)...I was not prepared. I had education and academic smarts, but I didn't have life skills.

This is a big reason why I made the "odd" decision to work as a receptionist at a small office in a part of the bay area that's not extremely high-end.

I didn't know how to explain it to anyone at the time, but deep-down, I realized that here, in this job, were the skills and lessons that I really needed to learn. I purposely put myself in the school of hard knocks. I also knew that if I didn't make myself go through this, I wouldn't be able to survive anywhere, period. 

I learned about humbleness, I learned about injustice, I learned about adapting to new environments, I practiced a good work ethic, I learned about how to survive in a difficult environment, I learned how to do very practical but basic things, and more.

Anyway, I digress. This post is more about being spoiled and what that has to do with patience.

One of the byproducts of being a spoiled person is that I do not have patience. I'm not talking about patience for the "small things" (waiting in traffic, not getting annoyed at people, etc.) 

But in a much bigger, general sense. I don't have patience to work towards large goals and patience to wait for anything I really want.

Which is what I'm working on now.

Monday, May 15, 2017



For a long time 
A very long time 

My heart yearns for so much

Yet it is full right now too

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Being patient about developing patience 

I wish I had something really substantial to say about patience today. Then I could feel like this series on patience is coming to a close quicker. As I mentioned earlier, I kind of want this series on patience to be over already, because I don't like thinking about and dealing with patience. 

But today, all that's coming to mind about patience is...not much. Just that I have to stick with developing patience and be patient about this.

Saturday, May 13, 2017


Waiting is humbly giving up control

Waiting is graceful 
Waiting is quiet strength

Waiting is active

Waiting is a choice
Waiting is living life

Friday, May 12, 2017


I want
I need

Going without
Makes me upset

I scream
I yell
I kick
I'm in an internal rage

I look for cheap substitutes
To fulfill me instead

When I know I could have just waited
And it still would have been okay

Thursday, May 11, 2017


I don't have a very good understanding of what patience is. For example, I can't define it. Because I have never thought about it very deeply (and thus, have not practiced it as much as I should have).

But now, I'm kind of realizing that if I really want to have anything good in life...I need to have a lot of patience first.

So I'm going to start a series of posts on patience.

I don't know how long this series is going to be. I kind of want it to be over already, because, well, thinking about and dealing with patience is hard.

But maybe this is a good foray into patience for me...being patient as I work through this series on patience.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

I dance to convey emotion. 

There are some particular emotions that I've wanted to express for awhile now, through dance. 

I want to express the emotions I felt near the beginning of when I knew Jesse. The first few years. 

I felt deep love and deep pain, together, at the same time. 

That's what I want to show the world. 

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

-Yesterday evening I went over to our next door neighbor's house, and I talked to him for the first time in my whole life (he's been our neighbor for around twenty years). Yeah, in our neighborhood, people keep to themselves. It's a respect thing. Anyway, I just had a very simple question for him, so it wasn't a significant chat at all. But it still felt good. Neighborly feelings! There's something about it.

-I started looking into more ballet studios in the Bay Area for adults. (There's a creepy guy at the one I usually go to, so I'm trying to avoid that one for awhile). Anyway, I was happy and excited to see that there are lots of other ones I can try out. I like the variety too. It keep me feeling fresh. 

-I have been doing the New York Times mini-crossword pretty often. It takes me a couple minutes a day. It's free and fun.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Good morning!

Here are some things that made me laugh recently:

-The character of Heihei in Moana. I like brainless things. I liked the scene where he's pecking hard at a rock and swallows it for no reason. 

-Well, this made me laugh a long time ago, but she recently mentioned it again. The Pioneer Woman's donut story. It's hilarious! 

-I'll laugh at most jokes. Here's one I heard...

What do you call a potato wearing glasses? 

(A spectator)!

Sunday, May 7, 2017

I really like lying around in my bed in the morning and not doing anything. After I wake up, just lying around. It's amazing how the time passes. I don't do this everyday and wouldn't do this everyday, but somewhat regularly is ideal...for me.
Jesse healed me

I was a really broken person when I met him. 

It took a lot of love to heal me.

I had some really deep-rooted issues. 

I didn't like myself very much. I was convinced that no man would ever like me. I couldn't give any genuinely desirable man a chance. 

I couldn't be myself around a man. I put up a great, big wall. No man was allowed to see me in my natural state. 

I had felt this way for...oh, my whole life. There wasn't a time I could remember when I hadn't felt this way. I'm talking, as far back as kindergarten and before then. 

I felt this way very strongly. It didn't even occur to me that it could be different for me one day. I was so sure that I would be this way forever. 

So it took great love to heal me, later in life. 

Jesse put in a lot of time and care.

I don't know why he wanted to heal a broken person who had nothing to offer him...but he did. 

Thank you.

Friday, May 5, 2017


None of us are ever really all healed

But there is a point
When we are healed enough

I feel safe...enough

Putting my heart in your hands
I still feel fear
But it doesn't consume me

I feel good

Good enough

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Halfway broken

I'm on the mend

Not in the clear
But I have hope
And even having hope, just in itself, is already a miracle

I see love

I see that maybe I can have love one day
I think that maybe I can be healthy enough for love one day

But every day my heart breaks

Knowing I don't yet have something
And might never have something
That I so deeply want

Wednesday, May 3, 2017


My feelings want to come out

But they can't
I feel stuck

I'm shut down

I can't start up

I have no hope

I will always be this way

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

What it takes for someone to heal another person's broken, black heart that doesn't beat (psychologically, not physically)

-Patience and time. A lot of it. It must be consistent, constant. No gaps. 

-Care. Be there for that broken person whenever he/she needs it. 

-The ability to stand up to that broken person, little by little, when he/she is strong enough, and tell that broken person that he/she is wrong or needs to do better.

Monday, May 1, 2017

Coming from a place of love

There's a concept that a woman is supposed to submit to a man.

This concept makes a lot of people uncomfortable and mad. 

I'm heavily opposed to this concept as well.

As a woman, I feel like it means that my rights are lesser than a man's. I feel degraded. This is disgusting and horrible! Wrong, wrong, wrong. I have an immediate instinct to sprint the other way.

Okay. But slowly, I've been realizing that it's actually shallow and one-sided of me to think of "submit" in this way.

This degradation isn't what "submit" has to mean at all.

"Submit" can also mean something entirely different. Something so loving.

"Submit" can also mean...TRUST! Trusting that a man, who is in the position of power, will take my needs into utmost consideration (beyond his own needs), and carry this through.

Assuming I find the right man, trust is not a stupid or naive thing to do. It's a loving thing to do.

I think about it this way...if the roles were reversed, and I was in the position of power...what would I do? 

Would I be loving enough to take a man's trust and use it to do things solely for his benefit?

If the answer to that is yes, then I should be able to trust that the right man would do the same for me as well.

I have some problems with trust, submit, whatever you want to call it. So I guess this means, that I have some problems with being a loving person. I do feel ashamed of myself now and realize that I need to be a better person here.

Okay. But I have one final gripe about "submit" before I can be fully on board.

My new thought is, why can't we all just be equals then? No one has to be in power, and no one has to submit. We can all just be equals!


I know the answer to this. I just don't want to admit it.

But here it is. I'm internally battling with myself here.

The answer to my last question is that...if we were all equals, if there was no concept of power and submission, then that might not necessarily be a bad thing. But there would be less opportunity to display love. Much less opportunity. And maybe that would be a bad thing then, after all. 

Sigh. I've convinced myself. I guess this means that I really do need to work on the submit, trust, part of my character. 

Sunday, April 30, 2017

My relationship with my mom

Some moms and daughters are really close and have a deep bond.

I realize now that a connection like that, took time to build. 

I also realize now that a connection like that, has a relatively good history, from the start. As in, from the time when the daughter was born. 

I'm realizing now that, the history matters. It really matters. If the mother/daughter relationship has had a bad history at some point(s), the relationship will always be negatively impacted by that, even if both parties make amends in the future. The history will always be there. The relationship can definitely be better in the future, but, it will never be what it could have been. 

My mom and I have had a really, really traumatic history. 

She wants to be close now. She's sorry. 

I can move forward too. Our relationship doesn't have to be the way it was before: complete non-communication and screaming. It can be a lot better than that. We can even be close someday.

But, we will never be as close as we could have been.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Good morning (actually afternoon)! It's Saturday morning (actually afternoon). 

Today I'm looking forward to...I don't know! I don't have a plan for today, outside of some little things I have to take care of. It is lovely.

In the back of my mind, I always feel guilty about this though. For not doing much. I feel like a lesser person.

But I mean, as long as I'm not a lazy person, I don't see why I should feel bad about myself for this at all. Not even a little bad...

Friday, April 28, 2017

Things that make/made me happy today:

-The start of the weekend 

-A nice man at Costco who took the initiative and volunteered to put a large, heavy case of water in my cart for me 

-A tall tree that is in front of me as I write this (I'm sitting in my car in a parking lot). I like trees. I like nature. 

-This blog. I'm happy to be able to share myself here. My heart feels big and wide.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Close to a man 

I melt 

Not into a puddle
Into something really, really soft 
And smooth

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Letting go of control in romantic relationships

That's how I want to be. That's how I think I should be. Though I'm having difficulty. 

I'll explain what I mean by "letting go of control in romantic relationships."

I'm not talking about falling in love. That's a different kind of letting go - feeling all your feelings. Important. But that's not what I'm talking about here. 

I'm talking about not knowing how your relationship is supposed to progress. Until it actually happens.

Not knowing what the path to getting to a serious relationship commitment is supposed to look like.

Not knowing what the path to getting to engagement is supposed to look like.

Once married, on a daily basis, not knowing whether you'll really end up staying married. (This doesn't mean that I'm okay with divorce. I'm not. It's about embracing the fact that, no matter what, marriage is always a risk in some way).

I like this uncertainty because then you're not focused so much on what you WANT your relationship to be. Instead, you're just letting your relationship BE and living (relishing) in whatever it IS, at that very moment. It's fuller this way. More pure. It's first and foremost, totally about the human connection between the two of you.

This is probably why I could never explain mine and Jesse's relationship to people. 

It doesn't follow the standard form of dating in our culture today. 

It might be more like a courtship relationship (where the man initiates and pursues a marriage relationship, from the very beginning). But it also hasn't been like that either. 

Of course, I'm not a total hippie living in anarchy or on a deserted island. I still do follow some social conventions and social structures for romantic relationships. This is where part of a romantic relationship's legitimacy and substance comes from. So I do have some expectations (in line with society) of how our relationship is supposed to progress and about its future state. But it's really not very much. 

So here is what I can explain of our relationship. Here is how it follows societal norms: 

In the beginning, Jesse and I were great friends. We talked about all sorts of things and had fun talking to each other. We also talked about personal things. That was deep. 

At the same time, he started being charming and flirting with me. He made it known to me that he was pursuing something with me (that was more than just sex or a good time). 

The whole time, we were coworkers in a small office. We got to know each other in our natural environments. We knew that we came from really similar backgrounds, were both decently moral people, and were older single people probably ready to settle down at some point. 

So it was sort of courting. Or maybe a precursor to dating. Either one. 

What I want with him now is a serious relationship commitment, then engagement, the whole works. 

So that's the part of our relationship that makes sense to people. And that I can map out.

The rest of it, which is A LOT, doesn't follow any kind of dating or courtship progression. 

I can't explain to people what me deliberately drawing away from Jesse for a year, not talking to him at all but just giving him significant looks, meant for our relationship. At the time, I couldn't explain to myself either why I was doing this, why exactly I needed to do this to move our relationship forward. Or how long this was going to go on for and what the next step was. I just knew that for that moment, it was the right thing to do for our relationship. It was hard - to draw away from him, and to do this not knowing exactly why it was necessary for our relationship.

That's just one example of our relationship being unstructured. 

Currently (and only for a little while longer), Jesse is my coworker. Most of the time, there's absolutely zero interaction between us. Instinctively, I feel like we're moving our relationship forward. But I don't rationally know how our actions right now are actually leading to a serious relationship commitment. 

I also don't think in specifics of how the next day, week, month, year, few years, etc. with him, relationship-wise, will look like. All I know is that I want the commitment, then engagement, etc. "soon." And I can't give a timeframe for "soon." I just know that it means I won't wait forever, and that there definitely is a window, even if I can't articulate it. When the window actually closes, that's when I'll know the time has passed and it's over. But I can't tell when it would be, beforehand. 

The last thing I want to talk about is - how did my relationship with Jesse get to be this way, being unstructured?

I don't know. Maybe it's the type of people we both are. I consciously live the rest of my life this way, relatively unstructured. Maybe he's like this too, or at least in love. And when we met, this is how it was fated to happen. 

To be honest, I feel scared and kind of sick now. Totally letting go of control of things, especially REALLY IMPORTANT things like this, does that to me. It's not easy.