Sunday, December 18, 2016

Yesterday I got in a bad fight with my mom. But I wouldn't call it a fight. It was me exploding and being in a ton of pain. I was in so much pain. I actually thought about killing myself because of the pain (just a thought, not something I would carry through). 

Basically I screamed "F- you" to my mom about I don't know, maybe 10 times in a row. Just that. As loud as I could. I was wild. It was primal. And a "I'm going to kill myself" somewhere in there.


Then I slammed the door and went outside and sobbed for a long time by myself. Then I came back in and kept sobbing by myself. I wanted to be left alone. It was me and my pain. 


If you want some backstory about where the greatest source of my pain with my mom lies, read this. She used to take her anger out on me. It was abuse and obviously...it's a big part of me. 


So what triggered my "meltdown" (actually, I felt wild. It was more than a meltdown), was realizing that she still takes her anger out on me. Just like she did when I was a kid. She doesn't do it often or as intensely, but she still does this. She doesn't realize how this is wrong. 


Also, she said some mean things about me and...this is something she just does to me. They're very cutting words. 


I can't change my mom. And this post is not about that, how I wish she was different. I leaned a long time ago that I can't demand people to change. 


But it's about, how for the first time in my life, I can stand up to my mom and rationally say (aside from my explosion):


This is what you currently do to me. It's not okay. 


I don't know how she'll take it. I can't control that. But I can control myself. I have to say this. For me.

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