Saturday, December 31, 2016

2016 is over. I've never done an end of year roundup before. I'm not sure where to start. But I feel this is necessary because...this is my life, and part of experiencing it is going back and reflecting and remembering things. Good or bad. 

This year, I...

Confronted a coworker I never liked and reported him for swearing at me. It was one of those situations where I knew I was right, but he still had supporters. I took the chance of getting myself into trouble for reporting him, which I did, a little. I feel sad, happy, angry, proud. 

Walked in the SF Chinese New Year parade, shortly after Jesse left for Taiwan and left me in a mess. I knew I had to do something for myself, even though I was a mess. Especially because I was a mess. I feel happy, proud, sad.

Processed more of what had happened between me and Jesse. How it was, and is, between us. I felt a lot of sadness, pain, grief. And now I many things. It's too difficult to spell it all out. I feel like a rainbow - a complicated one. 

Opened myself up to the world. With this blog. Going to a church community every so often. Talking to new people and initiating it. Telling my family members when they did things that bothered me. I finally had enough awareness of myself and courage to do this. I feel fear, sad, pain, happy. 

And so much more of course. I can't touch on everything about this year. I don't even know why I chose to write about these specific events, among everything. Yes, these were very important things to me from this year, but so were a lot of other things about this year that I didn't just write about. Sometimes there isn't a reason for things, or at least, one I need to know of.

In summary, 2016 is over. I look back on this year with mixed emotions. For the very reason that I am able to do this...feel things...I feel pretty good about my year.

Friday, December 30, 2016

Back from vacation!

I like this picture. This is totally me.

View of the resort's pool and grounds. This is my peace.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

I'm sitting in the airport waiting for our flight. It's going to be a long trip back home since we booked our tickets late and have a transfer. 

Overall, I'm pretty happy I went on vacation and had a pretty good time! 

I'm happy to be going home too.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

I am back in paradise. The tiff with my mom calmed down. I feel like I live in a different world. A world where I don't have to lift a finger for anything. Drinks are plentiful and free. People are happy to see me for no reason and happy to do anything for me. The biggest decision of the moment is whether to take a nap or to read a book while I lay by the pool. I think I'll people watch for awhile.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

I refuse to talk to my mom any longer on this trip and maybe afterwards in general too. I just don't want to interact or be around someone who is deeply unhappy whenever she sees me, because I'm not the kind of person she likes. If I was a really business-oriented person and extroverted, then she would like me. I have to be around her, but that doesn't mean I have to talk to her. Just for breathing and being me...I'm like, punished. The worst thing is, I'm punished for things that aren't even negative personality traits of me. They're just my personality traits. 

It's a shame that I'm in paradise. I wish someone else was here in place of me to experience this glorious place, because I'm not. 

Anyway, I refuse to any longer have a relationship with my mom where we talk for fun or hang out for fun. This is better than me yelling at her, or being in a dead depression, or losing myself because I can't be myself. This is the best I can do with the hand I've been dealt.

Monday, December 26, 2016

This is the life!!!!!!!

We spent the last 2 days in San Jose, the capital of Costa Rica. Family friends showed us around. We saw a church, volcano, the rainforest, waterfalls, and lots of animals. We stayed at a very comfortable hotel. I petted dogs. 

Today we traveled 5 hours by private bus to our resort, the Westin in Guanacaste. I cannot wait to sit by the pool and read a book. It's tropical, private, luxurious, and peaceful here. 


But of course, my life is really sucky too. I had a blow up with my mom at dinner, same underlying issues. I predicted something like this would happen on vacation. Well, at least now I'm speaking out about the things she does to me that I'm not okay with. And that gives me peace.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Merry Christmas from Costa Rica! 

Today I feel like a lucky person, in general. Hope everyone is feeling this way today as well!

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Where are you Christmas? 
Why can't I find you...

Oh, I feel you Christmas 

I know I've found you 

That's from a Faith Hill song. I like it. I remember listening to this song over and over again in December of either my freshman or sophomore year in college. I was living in the dorms. I was so depressed that holiday season and this song just...spoke to my depression. I couldn't find Christmas. 

So this song started just popping up in my head this holiday season. This year. A few days ago. Where are you Christmas? 

At the end of the day...

Christmas isn't about glitter and bright lights and pretty things

Christmas isn't about wonderful feelings 
Christmas obviously isn't about the presents or nice trips or swanky parties 
It's not even about being a nicer person in general and doing more acts of kindness than normal 

These things don't really do it for me. 

Christmas is about doing THE greatest act of love and sacrifice that you could be doing, currently. What's THE hardest thing for you to do for someone (or people) right now? Be honest. And can you do it? 

THAT'S where Christmas is at. That's when I know I've found it.

Where are you Christmas?

I know I've found you...

Friday, December 23, 2016

Packing for Costa Rica today! In another life, I would have been stressed by the packing and traveling. Wanting to make sure that I didn't forget anything, had packed the best items, had tied up all loose ends and remembered details. Today I think I'll just go with the flow. I'd rather do other things today and enjoy today even if it means dealing with a suboptimal packing job later.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

I have totally checked out of work (it's Christmas, vacation starts tomorrow). Yet my body is still here. Strange phenomenon. Okay, I have to ground myself. My head is elsewhere. Let's see. 

Well, I guess I'll just power through today and think about treating myself later by drinking a hopefully very lovely cup of hot chocolate. 

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Nearing the home stretch for Christmas!

Today I thought I'd get (a little) deeper and think about the meaning behind Christmas.

It's about celebrating the birth of Jesus - LOVE!

I don't know why, but John 3:16 just comes to my mind.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Sacrifice, love, life, humbleness, forgiveness...

It's so big. I cannot grasp it all. I know I never will. But if I can grasp just a tiny piece of it, that's enough for me.

I just think about how God, the greatest, mightiest, most powerful...

Became a little human baby, born in the most unassuming environment.

So humble.

Such a significant event.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Things I'm looking forward to today:

Getting out of the office and doing Costco shopping for the office.

Snuggling up in my bed. I have a comfortable one.

No traffic in general. Less chaos. I almost love driving to work this time of the year.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Well I can't say I'm in a great mood today after this is a new day. It helps.

My main goal today is to get through the day with a somewhat genuine smile on my face.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Yesterday I got in a bad fight with my mom. But I wouldn't call it a fight. It was me exploding and being in a ton of pain. I was in so much pain. I actually thought about killing myself because of the pain (just a thought, not something I would carry through). 

Basically I screamed "F- you" to my mom about I don't know, maybe 10 times in a row. Just that. As loud as I could. I was wild. It was primal. And a "I'm going to kill myself" somewhere in there.

Then I slammed the door and went outside and sobbed for a long time by myself. Then I came back in and kept sobbing by myself. I wanted to be left alone. It was me and my pain. 

If you want some backstory about where the greatest source of my pain with my mom lies, read this. She used to take her anger out on me. It was abuse and's a big part of me. 

So what triggered my "meltdown" (actually, I felt wild. It was more than a meltdown), was realizing that she still takes her anger out on me. Just like she did when I was a kid. She doesn't do it often or as intensely, but she still does this. She doesn't realize how this is wrong. 

Also, she said some mean things about me and...this is something she just does to me. They're very cutting words. 

I can't change my mom. And this post is not about that, how I wish she was different. I leaned a long time ago that I can't demand people to change. 

But it's about, how for the first time in my life, I can stand up to my mom and rationally say (aside from my explosion):

This is what you currently do to me. It's not okay. 

I don't know how she'll take it. I can't control that. But I can control myself. I have to say this. For me.
(This post was actually written yesterday, before my explosion. See my next post).

Change of plans. I'm going to Costa Rica with my parents and sister Dec 24-29. It's a last minute trip. 

I'm a little stressed about this trip because I don't know if my family members are going to stress me out. Well, I know that they will, it's just a matter of how much. Mostly my mom at this point. For various reasons, it's very difficult for me to get along with her. 

Hopefully there's free wifi so I can keep updating my blog from there. 

I am trying to be positive about this trip. I mean, we are staying at nice places. But's hard.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Being soft
Don't hold onto things tightly
Be happy
The secret is trust

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Another Christmas song/carol I like

"Here Comes Santa Claus"

It's merry
It reminds me of my childhood
It has a nostalgic air to it (it's old)

And it's about Santa! I feel like I'm living in a cartoon world.

Or at least baking holiday cookies in the kitchen. 

And back to my cartoon world where everything is red and colorful and nothing goes wrong!

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Yesterday I was driving my car and I had a moment. I do a lot of feeling/processing in my car, as I drive. I'm not sure why. I think when I'm doing an activity, but somewhat mindless one, for a long stretch of time...things just come to me more easily or something. Shrug.

Anyway, my moment was...I really, really like life right now. I actually enjoy being single. Maybe really enjoy it. Of course, it was just a moment. This feeling comes and goes. I'm not on a constant high all the time or anything.

Honestly, I never understood how girls could say they enjoy being single. I always felt like they were kind of lying. Or maybe numbing a part of themselves. When girls said they "enjoy being single", I always got that feeling of when you see someone's Facebook page or Instagram and all you see are wonderful pictures of their lives, updated constantly. I felt like girls who said they "enjoy being single" were kind of, I don't know, trying too hard? 

Anyway, now I want to change my original thought. My new thought goes something like this...

"Enjoying being single" doesn't mean that I don't want to be in a relationship or that I'm fine with being single forever. At all.

It doesn't mean that my life is perfect. 

It means that more often than not, I feel pretty okay with everything. And sometimes, more than just okay. Maybe even great.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

A Christmas carol I like

"Joy to the World"

I like it because of a combination of the lyrics and melody.

I picture...

Bright red bows
A whole chorus of angels singing
Happy, yellow bugles

And, of course, I'm right in the middle of it all.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Yesterday night I had a bad dream/nightmare about my extended family and the holidays. They can really stress me out. I'm still not sure what to do. But they stress me out. :(

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Continuing my post from yesterday...

Drafting contracts is not hard for me 

Reading through tons of dense legal text, quickly, is not hard for me
Understanding complex situations, quickly, is not hard for me
Talking to people about intellectual concepts and sounding convincing, is not hard for me

But working as a receptionist at a small office is extremely hard for me. So this was a challenge I knew I had to conquer. For my own personal peace, pride, and much-needed growth.

Of course, I could've just said who cares and walked away. We don't have to be great at every job. 

But somehow, I had an underlying sense that this job played to many of my most major shortcomings in life. Not just in the workforce, but also as a person. So I knew I couldn't walk away from this job. Not if I wanted to live a life I was proud of. 

In the process, I learned...

How to be humble. I had NO smidgeon of humbleness before this. It took very drastic measures, such as working at this job for a long time, for me to change. 

How to be human and care about things that involve the heart. How to have a heart, basically. 

How to stand up to people. (In my opinion, the hardest part about being a receptionist or admin is that people think they can take advantage of you and that they're entitled to). I couldn't hide behind my legal books, or rely on having a high status to help me, or rely on my academic skills to give me the upper-hand. Instead, I had to learn street smarts and a different kind of confidence that I never had. While still being a nice person and true to myself.

Working just for the sake of a work ethic. (My definition of work ethic: Work is good. No reason why. It just is. End of story.) So, even though I had accomplished a lot before this job, I actually had NO work ethic behind everything back then. Then, I had worked hard solely because of guilt and for bragging rights. It was different. 

I was so lacking in these areas that it took a job like mine to finally change me.

So I always wonder to what point would I feel like I have finally "conquered" my job?

Because, I mean, these are never-ending lessons...

I don't know. But I think I still have some more work to do in asserting myself. 

In any case, now I feel like I can at least see the light at the end of the tunnel.


Saturday, December 10, 2016

This post has been a long time coming. Well, not really. But it's been on my mind (and subconscious). I had to get to the internal place where I had something to say about this topic. I needed time to let it stew. Process. 

I started my job as a receptionist (admin) at my company over four years ago. At the time, I couldn't wait to leave this job. I wanted to sprint out of here as fast as I could.

I still can't wait to leave. This isn't my dream job. But I'm also okay with my job too now. I feel a certain peace. 

So...what has been holding me here the entire time? No one forced me to stay. Actually, many, many people told me to do just the opposite - they made (or still make) me feel pretty bad about my job. I think a part of me will forever be scarred by other people's judgment of me in this matter. Oh well. 

Anyway, what has been holding me here this entire time then? Why did I choose to do this? 

As with any significant choice, there are many reasons for it. Not just one reason. But the biggest, most important reason, by far - and a reason that in itself is enough to make me stay - is that I stayed here FOR ME. I did it for me. 

What exactly does that mean? To be continued...

I don't mean to create suspense, but this is a deep post and I can't get it all out at once. 

To be continued...

Friday, December 9, 2016

Things I like (no, love) around this time of the year

-Homemade pies (especially with a lattice top. It's pretty)
-Watching drama, high-quality movies or tv shows or miniseries
-Mandatory days off work

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Good morning to you
Loveliest of mornings to you
Have a most wonderful morning
I wish you well this morning
A wonderful greeting to you this morning

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

I feel like I should take a vacation around Christmas. I haven't used up any PTO days or even hours this year. I'm pretty sure I've taken zero hours off so far this year, outside of the regularly scheduled holidays and weekends.

By the way, I'm an ISFJ in Myers-Briggs types, so that might explain a lot about me. I'm very duty-oriented. 

I would just take a few days off around Christmas, for a total of a week off work. I don't know what I would do though.

Okay. I'm going to close my eyes and picture what I would most want to do if I had those few days off.

Well, I didn't close my eyes, but it came to me.

I want to start on a sewing project. By the way, I don't know the first thing about sewing. Anyway, it would be fun to spend a whole week (more or less) devoted to arts and crafts!

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

I bought myself a Christmas advent calendar. It's cheap, from Walgreens, for kids. I think the flaps are describing Santa's preparations for Christmas each day or something like that.

There's something about Christmas magic...

Holiday decorations, Christmas carols (especially the old classic ones), the Nutcracker, other traditions...

I think it's all about believing that magic still exists and celebrating it.

Monday, December 5, 2016

To the plants that surround me at work, you are my friends
To the random strangers I pass by on the streets, you are my friends
To the people whose blogs I read, even though you don't know me, you are my friends
To the clerks at the stores, even if I barely say anything to you, you are my friends
To the people I will meet in the future, you are my friends

Sunday, December 4, 2016

I'm lying in bed with my socks on. It's cold outside (for California anyway). I'm going to cook mashed potatoes and soup for dinner today. It promises to get even colder this week. I like this.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Where did the time go today? How can it be almost 11 pm already? I didn't really do anything today, not much. And yet, the day and time just flew by (in a good way).

Friday, December 2, 2016

Being chill
The air feels nice
This chair feels nice
The hum and sounds of everyday noises are pleasantly soothing in the background
I have no complaints

Thursday, December 1, 2016

One of my failures

I feel like this is a college application essay question or a job interview question. "Tell me about a time you failed and what you learned from that." It feels like a chore to answer. Who wants to voluntarily be reflective about bad stuff? I don't. But today I will because I don't know, it's been awhile.

A few years ago, I volunteered at the Boys & Girls Club doing one-on-one tutoring with an underprivileged girl in high school. We met every week for a semester. Part of my goal was to help her with her academics. Another part of my goal was to use tutoring as a way to develop a good, personal rapport with her so I could be a mentor or guide to her. I may not understand the struggles that underprivileged kids go through, but I do understand struggle, and I also feel like I have experienced many positive things, in a world that underprivileged kids don't know, which I can share with them.

I succeeded on the academic goal with my student. I did not succeed on the personal goal with her. I wasn't even neutral. I failed.

My student didn't respect me. Basic respect, on some level. It finally clicked one day, when she refused to refer to me by my name. She kept referring to me as "her." She had an underlying attitude problem that I couldn't fix. When I realized this, I quit, almost right away. I couldn't work with someone who was so disrespectful, and with someone whose attitude was beyond my skill to improve.

I've been afraid of volunteering at the Boys and Girls Club since then. I've been avoiding it. I still have the same goals, especially the second one. But to go back means to face and admit my failure.

This is my realization about failure. If I do go back to volunteering at the Boys and Girls Club, or something similar, I will fail again. This is practically inevitable and guaranteed. And that's okay. Failure is probably a bigger part of the journey than success is. The important thing is that I confront my failure, instead of denying it or running away from it, so that I gain all the valuable insights from it that I can.