The holidays are here, kind of. For me, anyway. After Halloween is over, I start looking to Thanksgiving, and this basically represents the somewhat start of the holidays.
The last few years, I have not looked forward to the holidays, in a way. They made me sad and part of me approached them with dread. It wasn't just because I was lonely.
I'm going to be very honest...in the last few years, there were specific things that Jesse did to me in the holiday season that were very painful for me. I always blame him for these things.
But now, I'm beginning to realize, that a large part of my pain - maybe most of it (it's hard to say) - actually came from myself.
***I*** caused him to react a certain way. I'm still coming to grips with myself, and the way I am. The truth is, I really suck, sometimes.
Okay, that last paragraph was so hard for me to write.
But do you know what?
I feel so much better now. It's like a black veil has been lifted off.
The black veil that is my holiday dread these last few years.
You know what...I do think it's gone now.
I can actually look forward to the holidays?
Now that's a new thought for me.