Sunday, October 16, 2016

I'm going to be very vulnerable today. I'll share with you all just what kind of state I used to be in before I tried turning myself around. I feel vulnerable sharing this. I'm not sure how well I can convey these things accurately, and I feel anxious about sharing such deep and negative things about myself.

I was 25 years old. My life on the outside looked fine. Always had, for the most part. I came from a stable family. I was an obedient girl. I never got into trouble. I got almost straight A's in high school, went to a good college, and now was in the middle of studying law at a good law school. It was everything everyone who knew me, had predicted of me. Everyone approved.

And this was what I lived for. My whole life. I hadn't known any other way to live. I lived for a life that looked good on the outside. There's short term pleasure in having a good-looking life on the outside. And it's pretty easy, relatively easy, to do this.

But inside, I was completely dead.

I don't think I'll ever be able to convey to people how dead I was inside. This is why I feel so misunderstood all the time, I think. But I'll try. Here are some things that might give people some clue.


***

First of all, keep in mind, that for everything I'm going to list out here, I was already 25 years old. I was an adult. Set in my ways, to some extent. My point is, these things were deeply ingrained in me.

-I did not know what an emotion was. I didn't understand this concept. A few years after I turned 25, a friend was explaining to me how I'm supposed to feel my feelings and just let them pass through. I didn't know what he was talking about because I remember thinking to myself, what are feelings? I had thought to myself before, that the only feeling I had ever known was "depression." And even then, this was a very muted feeling to me. Mostly, I just always felt "very unhappy, very down." I don't think this was a feeling really, but more a state of life.

I didn't know what feelings were, I didn't know that there are many different kinds of feelings people can feel, I didn't know that I repressed my own feelings so that was why I never felt anything.

I didn't know that I had a personality type that actually feels a lot of things.  This is my real personality. I never had any clue. I don't think anyone around me did either. I had convinced myself and everyone so well.

-I was so out of touch with my physical body. Our physical bodies are the most primal, foundational part of ourselves. So this was how out of touch I was with myself. Let me give you an example:

I never really understood the most primitive concept of eating - eating out of hunger. I often never felt hungry, even when I wasn't eating as much as I should have been.

This was largely because I simply detached myself from my physical body, in a way. I didn't want to feel what was real about me.

It is only recently, for the first time in my whole life, that I have been able to  feel my body calling out to me from even slight pangs of hunger.

And why I can consistently eat three, full meals a day now, out of the primal idea of sustenance.

-It shouldn't come as too much of a surprise that I was very out of touch with my sexuality.

When I was in my twenties, I remember the concept of "bad boys" occasionally crossing my mind whenever girls brought it up. They felt attraction. I thought to myself, "How odd. I don't get it."

It's normal to feel some underlying sexual excitement here.

But I felt no lust. I felt no basic animal instincts. I felt no excitement from the  polar attraction between the sexes.

Like everything else I've just listed above, I actually have a very healthy appetite in this area. I just didn't know because I had become so good at repressing it.


***

So hopefully all of this gives you a better idea of me. Maybe you're wondering how I got to be this way at age 25. Well, there is no easy answer to this, but the short answer is that much of it had to do with my upbringing.

When I started trying to get more in touch with myself, find all these deep parts of me that I had repressed and basically almost lost for forever, I had to be very careful not to swing too far the other way either. I was aware of the repercussions of being too inappropriately emotional or acting out too much on sensual and sexual desires.

It was all very hard.

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