Friday, September 30, 2016

Eyes

I see your eyes
I like the way they curl up at the end
I study their imperfections
I look at their color, even the whites
I look to see whether there are bags under them
I study how deeply, caved-in, they are set in your face
These are just some of their physical characteristics
But for some reason
I feel like
I see the whole you

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Loneliness

One person, standing alone and sad
Away from the bright gaggle of people

I have experienced loneliness in my life
Maybe more so than other people
It's how I started out
Though, everyone will feel it at some point or another

It felt black
Black, black, black
I didn't know where it started and there was no end
All I knew was black

I saw warmth, the bright flicker of warmth
But I could not have it

In small doses, loneliness is bearable
It's a bothersome ache

Left to linger, and grow stronger,
Loneliness
Eats away at everything that we are

It eats away at our sense of self
At our ability to think clearly
At our ability to know that joy is available in life

The longer we are in this,
The harder it is to climb back out

But sometimes, at a moment when we don't expect it
That is when the first crack to this black canvas of loneliness
Starts to appear

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Sadness

In a way, sadness is always with us
Just not bubbling up at the surface, most of the time, hopefully

Sadness isn't something to be afraid of
Yes it hurts
But it means that we cared
So there's beauty in that too
And when we feel it
It feels kind of
Beautiful

Sadness makes life more beautiful
Than if we were never, ever sad at all

When I think back about the things that made me sad
And the things that still make me sad
I feel something that kind of feels like

Waves of amber-hued darkness
I feel darkness
I feel softness
I feel gentleness
I feel quiet
I feel a block, that takes its sweet time fading away

That takes its sweet, sweet time
Fading 
Away

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Being open-minded

Life feels more...like...life, when I'm being open-minded.

Sometimes I don't like being open-minded, I resist it, because I'm scared, or I think I know better, or who knows. Anyway, I'm a work in progress.

Currently, I want to be more open-minded about:
Who my friends are and who I hang out with 
The kinds of activities I try

I don't think I'm terrible at this. I could just be more of this. This is still hard though.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Feeling like a bona fide dancer

When I walk into a dance class, I don't feel like "this is my thing." I don't feel like I own it.

But I really like dancing! I want to feel like "this is my thing."

When I put on my clothes to go to class, I want to feel like people will look at me, and think "She's a dancer!"

When I start stretching in class, I want to feel like I have a legitimate reason to stretch.

When I am dancing in class, I want to feel like I dance with attitude.

When I leave class, I want to feel like I'm walking away with some swagger.

I'm going to get this show on the road by buying some legitimate dance gear, for starters.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

I also like this memory, part 2

It was an ordinary day at work. I was sitting in the lobby, at my receptionist desk, by myself like usual. All was quiet and normal. 

Then, Jesse walked into the lobby from the cubicle area, carrying one of our company's products. He strode into the lobby, not saying anything. I watched him trying to put the product on the wall. 

Not after too long, Jesse asked me to help him. I walked over to where he was. 

I quickly realized that he had asked me to help him, just to get me to be near him. He didn't really need my help. He was also standing very close to me. I could smell his cologne, or after-shave, or whatever it was. He smelled nice and masculine.

While we were so close to each other, we had a nice conversation. The conversation was more personal. 

I felt really good after this whole encounter. 

Jesse went back to his office space. A short while later, he was back again. 

Before I knew it, he had assembled a whole crew of our coworkers to come out with him. He had decided to make a video demonstrating our product, and our coworkers and himself would all be in this video.

From my desk, I watched Jesse direct the whole operation. He was so enthusiastic and entertaining. I laughed at his creative ideas. I laughed at the scenes he made people go through. I just laughed and laughed and laughed, and giggled. And it was all because of Jesse. I loved his energy. 

Jesse talked to me, he was near me, but he didn't make me participate. 

I saw him looking at me. I saw him watching me when I laughed. 

On some level, I knew that Jesse was putting on this show for me.

I felt so special.

Saturday, September 24, 2016


Goodwill plans

Today I'm so excited to be getting rid of these books, papers, and other miscellaneous items that have been sitting on my bookshelf.

A lot of these books are my old law school textbooks. Most of them look brand new, which shows you the amount of studying I did.

I'm finally getting rid of the junk in my life. And not just the physical junk, like these items.

This cleaning also represents getting over all the internal junk from my past, from my not-too-distant past. I'm at peace with my past. It doesn't bother me anymore.

That is: loneliness, law school/legal career identity confusion, and did I say...loneliness.

I might shed a little tear later on.

Friday, September 23, 2016

I like this memory

The last few times he had been coming into the office, I noticed that Jesse had been driving a different car to work.

I was very intrigued to know what was up with this.

I walked into the kitchen to ask him about this. 

"Hey, did you get a new car?" I asked him.

No, he told me. This car was just a rental. He had been rear-ended, and he was getting his car repaired.

I asked him if he was okay. He was.

Then I told him how my sister had just totaled her car. I told him that she was fine. Then we talked about what she was going to do with her totaled car, for a little bit.

After that bit, I felt the conversation coming to a natural end. I started thinking about mosey-ing my way out of the kitchen.

Then Jesse brought it up again.

"Is your sister okay?" He asked me.

I had told him that she was fine, and I had meant it. She really was fine. 

I wanted to tell him again, that she was fine. 

Jesse was looking at me though. His full attention was on me. I felt compelled to share the whole picture.

I told him that she was basically fine, but had complained about some whiplash.

He told me that she should see a chiropractor then. He even made a cracking motion with his neck as he said this.

I agreed with his suggestion.

He had stated the obvious, but that didn't matter.

Jesse was so sweet :).

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Feeling like a girl

I smile
I care about other people, doesn't matter who you are
I see the positive in things
I feel love
I like aesthetic things
I'm happy to let others take the lead
I feel well taken-care of
I'm patient

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

I'm incredibly honest with myself.

I force myself to face the things that I know, deep down, VERY deep down, are true. Most of them are hard truths.

I'm not perfect at this. That's impossible. We all need to be in some amount of denial about things, in order to get through the days and life. 

So, while I am not living in complete truth with myself about everything...

I am more truthful with myself, than the average person probably is. A lot more truthful.

Being honest with ourselves is good because this is where morality starts. From there, we can get things like...

Real love, real peace, real justice...

It's not shallow. It's so much better.

Being so honest with myself takes A LOT of inner confidence. It's the only way...to get through all the difficult truths.

I'm honest with myself about...

The garbage in this world. 
The garbage in others.
The garbage in myself.

I acknowledge it in a lot of places that most people don't.

I'm an honest girl, honest with myself. 

I'm proud of myself.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

I'm super emotional and super rational, at the same time.

I have both of these qualities in abundance.

This combination gives me a lot of depth. It's impressive.

My emotions give me my humanity. 
My emotions, even the negative ones, add a wonderful dimension to my life that must be experienced in order to be understood. 
My emotions make me vulnerable. I'm open to life and to people.

My rational skills make me able to understand situations very well. I can get better results, more.
My rational skills allow me to live in a more complex and refined world. 

I consider myself very two-sided. It's not easy being this way. Being so emotional and so rational is basically being two opposite things at once. In order to make it work, it's a delicate balance, and I have to be at my best.

Monday, September 19, 2016

The really great thing I did: I left law and became a receptionist

(Following up on this post)


I was never officially a lawyer, but I graduated from law school and did some legal work at a law office afterwards. I knew that I could be an excellent lawyer. 


But I left law because I wanted to be true to myself.


I didn't have a dream to be a lawyer. I never did. I had a dream to be a receptionist at a small-ish office. 


Why does that feel so wrong to say? It shouldn't. The reason I wanted to be a receptionist wasn't because I was lazy or rebellious or scared to chase after things. I wanted to be a receptionist because I knew I would truly enjoy this work. 


I was humble. 


In a way that very few people can say they are. 


And I still am. I'm an extraordinarily humble person.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

My church community 

I put myself out there. I let myself be judged. Because that's what bound to happen when we're amongst a big group of people. 

I...do not like this one bit, like any normal person. 

The payoff is that at the same time, we strangely also get the very opposite back too...love, acceptance, kindness.

I love my tutu

In addition to this short tutu, I also have a long pink one too.

This outfit isn't my complete vision. My complete vision is to wear a pink leotard and pink tights with my short tutu.

If you want to know me...here I am.

My goal/dream is to perform a very emotional dance in the all-pink outfit and record this dance on camera or something.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Today I'm going to do something I'm very bad at...

Talking myself up. 

I am SO BAD at this. I don't know why. 

Want to watch awkwardness in action? Here we go...

I'm squirming.

Wow, I feel really uncomfortable.

Anyway, I gotta do this.

I don't know why...I, like, physically can't do this...

I was just born with a certain amount of low self-esteem, man. No environmental factors could've changed me. I think it has something to do with being a girl.

Don't judge me!

Or...you can. I admit, I've got problems.

Okay, now I think I can start.

I'm awkward, let me first give you an overview of the main topics I will be bringing up today:

1. The um, great thing I did, to leave law and become a receptionist. It wasn't easy, it was hard. How many people do you know who have done this by choice? 
2. I'm super emotional and super rational, at the same time. 
3. I'm incredibly honest with myself. I've actually got um, really high self-esteem too...because, that's what it takes to be so honest with ourselves.

You know, actually, this is all I can handle for now. I'm going to come back to these topics at a later date. I just can't keep acknowledging myself and doing myself justice like this.

I aint poifect man!

I'm also going around squirming uncomfortably for the rest of the day, as I let this post sink in.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

An ode to sleep

Excitement builds as bedtime approaches
A pleasant feeling of drowsiness, peace, and comfort starts growing
And it's off to the sleeping dream world

The sleeping dream world is a sanctuary and paradise
It is comfortable
It is uninterrupted
It is calming and even and smooth

Life is weightless

At the end of sleep
It is morning
And it's as if no time passed at all
Waking up to white and calming and happy serenity

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

An update about Tim, the unlikable houseguest (see this, this, and this)

By the way, Tim's actual relationship to me is that he's my cousin's cousin. I don't know what to call that, but that's the connection. 

Tim is not staying at our house this visit anymore. He's staying at my aunt's house instead. I still feel his presence though. My aunt lives close by, and there's a lot of family interaction going on. 

As far as I know, he's still here for a month.

I have not seen him since he arrived last week. If I had my choice, I would not see him at all. But, if I do end up seeing him at some point, my plan is just to say a quick "hi." That's it. Given how much I interacted with him last year, this is a bit rude of me. 

Even with the non-interaction, Tim's visit is still heavily bothering me. I'm really affected. I'm not sleeping well, and I'm really mad all day.

There are several reasons for this. In order of magnitude (starting with the largest): 


1. The way Tim talked about angels and demons and the spiritual world he lives in...now I don't know if this is real or not, but it freaks me out. I wish he wasn't near me...I wish I wasn't near...this. 

2. I kept quiet. I never told anyone how Tim treated me last year. I said a little here and there, but it wasn't anything close to the whole picture, and it was to about, 2 people.     
I don't know why I've been so passive. Anyway, staying quiet is hurting me. I know I've talked about him on my blog, but people in my family don't read my blog.   
I think I should just get out there and not be afraid of saying the truth. I'll feel better when the truth is out there.  
I'm not looking to create a war. I won't be mad or bitter when I talk about this. I just want to be truthful.  

3. I don't want to give Tim ANY opening to let him think that he can resume even any fragment of the relationship that we had last year. We are not friendly; he cannot push his opinions of me, on me.

With all this said, I hope that this is the end of Tim affecting me.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

More wisdom-y things I have learned:

Life doesn't get easier, it gets harder. The upside is that we can learn to deal with things better. So, life can be better than before.


There are people out there who will or can hurt you more than you ever imagined possible. Forgive. Be alert and stay safe. Focus on the good people.


Be wary of people who think that they're more powerful than other people.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Meal planning for the week

I don't know how other people do it unless they eat out all the time, but for me, I have to have somewhat of an idea of what I'm going to be eating for each day somewhat ahead of time, in order to actually have something to eat when the time comes.

Unless I eat out, having food to eat just takes a lot of time. Planning ahead somewhat is the only way that I can get this job done.

On the weekdays, breakfast and lunch are easy for me. I usually eat something store-bought for breakfast, like granola bars. Lunch is easy because I eat out. I eat mainly sandwiches or salad, but often other stuff too.

Dinner is the hard part.

Here's my dinner food plan for the next few days. I don't plan in detail, but I need at least a rough sketch.

Monday (today):
-roasted potatoes and peppers
-with already-cooked meat of some sort from the grocery store

Tuesday:
-fresh fish, baked or sauteed
-leftover roasted potatoes and peppers

Wednesday:
-takeout

Thursday:
-cook simple Chinese or Italian meal of some sort

Friday:
-takeout, or leftovers if there are any, or cook something, we'll see

This is a highly flexible schedule, but at least there's some planning involved. 

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Here is the series of pictures I spent close to $200 framing. The wreath above my photo series is a medium-sized wreath, to give you an idea of its size.

I'm really happy with the way it turned out. I think it looks great! I paid a lot of money for it, and I think it shows. I tend to splurge on things like this.

It's about a past era of my life, celebrating that era of my life.
My flaws

Today I'm getting real and talking about my flaws. These are my flaws as of September 10, 2016:

I'm insecure: I've talked about this quite a bit on my blog. Because it's true. And it's still a major problem. I work and work on it. I've got more work to do. In the areas of my life that I most care about, I am the most insecure. 

I'm selfish: My heart isn't big enough. I could and should care more about others than I do right now. I tell myself it's because I'm too tired, too preoccupied with my own worries, it's just a phase. Which is an excuse, because it's not like I'm going through any life catastrophe right now or anything. I should be spending more of my time thinking about others than I do right now.

I'm shy: I tell myself that shyness is endearing. Well, it can be. At the same time, it can also be NOT endearing and be a liability, if you take it too far. It's just a spectrum. Well, I try the best that I can. People, especially large groups of people, intimidate me.

I don't know myself inside out--that's impossible. I'm sure I have other flaws that I'm not aware of. But I do have somewhat of a grasp of myself, and these are my major flaws as of today.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Friday daydreams

I'm living in a crazy, eclectic city. I'm surrounded by brilliant artists. Talented chefs. Interesting, edgy fashion. Everywhere I go there is beauty and genius.

I have beautiful, long, thick, soft hair. I'm wearing a beautiful gown. I live in a white castle. Then, I hear a loud cry coming out of the forest next to the castle, and there's a war battle beginning.

I am dancing any of the Odette parts from Swan Lake (Odette is the white swan).

Thursday, September 8, 2016

I'm not really a shoe kind of girl (compared to how insane some girls get), but I do like to wear decently nice outfits. So that means I need decently cute shoes.

For me, this is particularly important when I wear skirts and dresses (which I do want to wear more of).

I'm looking for a semi-casual shoe to be worn with semi-casual, everyday skirts and dresses.

I have a few requirements:

-Probably priority number one: It needs to be comfortable and give my feet some support. 

-I want it to have a little heel (a very little one). I think a little heel glams up the outfit a little more.

-I want it to be cute. Cute is in the eye of the beholder. For me, this mostly means that it can't look totally out of date, clunky, etc.

-My feet are kind of wide, but narrow at the heel. It's hard for me to buy shoes that fit well. Shoes are often feel tight, but at the same time feel like they're slipping. So, I typically buy shoes that have some strap running through them, like Mary Janes.

-I want it to be a shoe that can be worn every day, but not wear out and start to smell (sorry to be really gross). But, for example, I find that when I wear certain sandals/shoes-without-socks everyday, they tend to have this problem. 

The search is on!

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Throwback Wednesday #3

I had only been working at my current company for a few months before I attended our company party. I had no idea what to expect.

IT WAS VERY NICE.

That year, our company had done really, really well. Sales were through the roof. So we were indulged with a great party.

The company party was at Straits Cafe, a tapas-style restaurant in a swanky area. They didn't skimp on food. We had lots of food, and it was the good stuff.

But, the best part of all...were the raffle prizes!

I don't remember everything, but among the prizes there was: a tablet, $500 Southwest gift cards, a digital camera I believe, and much more. 

Then, there were the straight-up, cash prizes (in everyone's minds, the best part). The most was $800, then $500 to several people, and lots more underneath that.

We were a small company, so the chances of winning something was pretty great...probably around 50% or so.

You can just imagine the excitement in the air!

I didn't expect to win anything...but I did!

By the way, I was not one of those people who won things. The last time I had remembered ever winning something in a raffle was in around second or third grade, when I won a mini-pumpkin at a school-wide raffle. 

That night, I didn't win the top prize ($800 in cash), but I came pretty close...$500 in cash!

When they announced my name, I couldn't believe it. I acted like a complete dork. 

I kind of thought I would faint. Well, not really, but I was in shock. I put my hand over my heart. I was speechless. I had to get out of my chair, and I almost fell over it.

With my money, I bought my iPhone 5.

It was awesome!

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

I don't know.

I don't really want to go around pretending or acting like certain things are okay, when I know they're not and I know that if people were more honest with themselves, they would see it too.

I understand that it's easier to act like bad things are good. It's more convenient.

When I'm honest and recognize the bad things for what they are...I cause myself internal discomfort, and I get in trouble for speaking up (when I do).

Sometimes I feel like the lone wolf in seeing the truth of things. I wonder if I'm crazy.

But then, I remind myself that:

-Other people probably see the truth and feel a similar way that I do, and are just not voicing their opinions.

And/or, 

-Just because everyone around me, at the time, happens to excuse the bad things, doesn't mean they're right. It just means that I'm hanging around a very small sample size of people.

I hate feeling discomfort and the unpleasant emotions that come from recognizing bad things in the world. I hate it as much as the next person.

But I want to recognize bad stuff for what it is, because I want good to exist. Good cannot exist if it's tainted with bad; if we excuse the bad things.

So I'm going to be a little quiet today.

I'm sad to see bad things in this world.

I'm sad to see people excusing it. Because they're just contributing to it.

I'm sad, sad, sad.

Monday, September 5, 2016

I was a little disoriented during my cousin's wedding.

It was in a location about a couple hours away from home, probably a little under a couple hours in no traffic. 

But because it was on Labor Day weekend, I have a feeling that contributed to the traffic. 

I was driving the whole time. 

Mainly, getting through SF, taking highway 1, took about 1.5 hours! The traffic was insane. 

We left the house a little after 11 am, and got to our hotel at 2:30 pm. That's almost 3.5 hours of nonstop driving for me. 

That really shook me up. I wasn't expecting such a long drive. I was also driving under pressure for a lot of the drive, because we were afraid that we were going to be late to the wedding. I also didn't drink any water the whole time that I was driving. I think I was too preoccupied with driving, stressed, and forgot to. 

Once we got to the hotel, we had a few minutes to change. We waited around for the shuttle for some time (it ended up leaving 30 minutes later than we thought it would). Then it was about a 30 minute (somewhat windy) ride in the shuttle to the wedding location.

By the time I was actually on my feet again and done with transportation, I was in a very weird state. 

I think I just really needed to lay down and recover for a little bit. But I was at a big wedding, and there was lots of excitement and energy going on all around me. 

So I was just feeling very physically weird the whole time. 

Now I'm back home. I took a 2 hour nap. I'm beginning to feel back to normal. 

I don't know how other people do it. I really don't. But I don't think I physically deal with situations that are a combination of physically tiring and stressful very well.

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Today I'm off to my cousin's wedding! I'm going to be narcissistic and talk about my outfit. 

I'm going to wear a silver, sparkly Calvin Klein dress. I'm going to leave my hair down and wear a white headband. I'm not going to wear any makeup though...that's just how I roll nowadays. 

I'm not looking to "wow" anyone. That's the bride's job, and maybe the bridesmaids' jobs, and other people in the wedding party's jobs.

I'm just aiming to look second-best, after all of them :)

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Feeling joy

I'm excited to be alive
Life is filled with wonder and mystery
A feeling of hope permeates the future and it is sweet
I see the glass as half-full
But that doesn't mean I ignore that it's half-empty
It takes a bit of work and strength to feel joy
But...
It's worth it!

Friday, September 2, 2016

Fancy meals

I don't make fancy meals. I make food that tastes good (I try), using basic ingredients. I don't focus on presentation. 

This is fine for an everyday basis, but once in awhile, I also want to eat food that is on the fancy side :). Fancy food tastes good, it looks good!

I could go out to a restaurant for this, but it's also nice to cook the fancy food myself. 

I recently bought this cookbook, "Rustic Italian" from Williams-Sonoma. It makes me excited about food. The recipes use ingredients that I haven't heard of. Even though this cookbook is called "rustic," the food seems pretty fancy to me :).

Today I've decided to make "Cavatelli with Zucchini Blossoms." 

I just learned that cavatelli is simply a small, shell-looking pasta shape.

I have no idea what zucchini blossoms are or where to find them.

I'm looking forward to this!

Thursday, September 1, 2016

I feel compelled to explain just how ridiculous our soon-to-again-be houseguest is. I don't actually know anything about his upcoming stay because he doesn't give us any information, but let me explain to you a little about how his stay was last year:

He stayed in our house for about a month last year, except for the days when he was on his other trips-within-a-trip or when he was at his work conference.

He's from a foreign country. He doesn't drive. When he stayed at our house, my mom drove him everywhere. Every single day. She can do this because she doesn't work. They hung out a lot together. She planned excursions with him. She drove him so he could go running in the hills every day.

On the days he stayed at our house, my mom planned every single meal for him (I'm assuming).

I had to plan some excursions with him as well, show him around. Obviously not as much as my mom.

I never heard him thank us, not one time. To his credit, he did express great enjoyment for everything that we did for him. But I never once heard, "Thanks."

I think he thought that he was repaying us, no, actually that WE should be the ones grateful for his stay here, because:

1) He prayed for us heavily, and he's a very special prayer warrior. I cannot fully comment on his prayer life and what exactly that means. But on the other hand, the way he talked about spirits and demons and angels and stuff...honestly, it freaks me out!

2) At the ripe old age of being in his thirties, he has infinite wisdom and intelligence, of all sorts, to impart on everyone. I think he thought that he was some kind of special counselor to all, really superior to everyone in many ways.

I was a main target because I was obviously going through some internal struggles at the time (though not anything he could remotely understand or could help me with or needed to help me with). He forced his opinions of me, on me, and shoved them down my throat. 

I was already in the middle of a lot of internal struggles, and I didn't have the capacity to keep fighting him on this, even though I knew how wrong he was about everything and in the way he talked to me. Among the MANY things he kept telling me, about myself, were that:

I'm close-minded, I have tunnel vision, I don't have enough knowledge of current culture and reality, I made too incorrect assumptions about life in the past when I was growing up that I don't know how to undo now.

So I need to interact with him more to fix the way my mind works, and I need to take advantage of his short time with us.

He also told me that I care too much about, am too invested in, my immediate family and I shouldn't make it such an important part of my life (like him); I'm not interested in some members of my extended family enough; I don't have enough friends (even though I was one of only a few people making an effort to actually introduce him to new people!); he stated that he's smarter than me; he implied that I'm just a silly, romantic girl and that it's a phase; he stated that I have low self-esteem; he asked me in a really mean way, "why would Jesse like you?", because he was convinced that he had my personal life all figured out and wanted to prove a point.

This gives you somewhat of an understanding of what he was like towards me, when he was here. Then, there were the emails he kept sending me after he left, which I won't go into.

Even though he may not consciously realize it, he was kicking me while I was down. I think he did it because deep-down, he's really insecure, and he wanted to feel good about himself and how he has answers.

But this doesn't justify what he did.