Tuesday, August 2, 2016

My mom dislikes me. The more I am myself, the more she dislikes me.

This is not the same as criticism. This is different from criticism. Criticism is about wanting to change specific aspects or details about someone. Criticism is not about disliking someone for who she is fundamentally, at her core, for her unique personality traits that are neither good nor bad, but just who she is, and what makes her, her. That's what this is with my mom.

I could be the person she likes. I used to do that. It feels like stifling all the things that make me excited, the things that all help me to be uniquely me. But what's the point? I learned the hard way, there is no point to that.

My mom is just very different from me, fundamentally. Our personalities are not the same. Then again, I don't dislike hers. I'm open to and appreciate everyone's unique personalities, more or less.

My mom doesn't have the wisdom to be open-minded. I guess this isn't something she worked on much in her life, because open-mindedness is a trait you can practice and be better at. But she's not good at this.

Also, my mom does have a hidden, mean streak. She's not mean all the time. Most of the time, she's not. But she does have a mean streak that comes out at times. She dislikes people and things, when she has no reason to. It's like a version of not seeing the positive in people, not giving them the benefit of the doubt, etc., and swinging entirely the other way instead.

Also, I'm the oldest child, and she has unusually high and rigid expectations of me. She thinks she let go of it, but deep down, she really hasn't.

It's all of these reasons.

What am I supposed to do? Pretend like this part of her towards me doesn't exist? I don't know how to do that. Unless I want to be in denial or numb myself, which I don't.

Even if this part of her towards me doesn't come out all the time, I know it's there, swimming around in the undercurrent somewhere, bound to come out at some point again.

I can't change people. I can't change my mom.

I'm just not particularly close to her, I guess. There's no other way.

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