Wednesday, August 31, 2016

First things first, I'm going a little crazy with the fact that we have a very unlikable houseguest coming next week who is staying for possibly a month.  

(I hate how he treated me during his visit last year and afterwards).

(This a VERY long time to be a guest in someone's home for. And it's the second time now. But, family relations).

(I don't know anything about his stay for sure because he hasn't bothered to figure out and tell us his schedule yet). 

The positive things about this situation are:

-It will teach me to deal with someone I heavily dislike.

-My life could be catastrophically worse.

I just had to get this off my chest! It makes me so mad that I'm not sleeping well.

Whew! 

*Take a deep breath*

I must move on!!!
Throwback Wednesday #2

This is about my favorite piece of clothing that I've ever owned, and that I will probably ever own. I can't imagine ever liking a piece of clothing more than this.

It's actually still in my closet, but sadly, it's not the same as it was before. I took it to the dry cleaners, and it wasn't the same afterwards.



This is the best picture of myself in it that I could find. I only wore it a couple times before it changed.

It was a pink silk dress from Anthropologie. It was good quality silk - very light. It had ruffles along the bottom of the dress, but it wasn't too much. It was very figure flattering, giving me a nice shape without being tight.

I loved it!!! This dress was so ME! :)

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Re-reading my stories

In about the last year and a half (or a little more), I've written about 12 short stories, plus my memoir.

I have a hard time writing them, because they're actually my way of processing things. Difficult things.

I write from the heart! I hope it comes through.

After I write them, I have a hard time reading them and enjoying them as well.

I see the words, I read them, but they're just words to me. My brain is working. My emotions are not.

They hit too close to home. 

Monday, August 29, 2016


Pie Crust

Yesterday I made a mini apple pie. It's slightly larger than half the size of a regular pie. If you laughed at my picture, that's okay.

I fear making pie crust. Part of the problem with my pie is that since it's a smaller size than a regular pie, I didn't have the exact measurements for pie dough.

For me, making pie crust is taking a shot in the dark. I don't know what I'm doing. It can turn out okay, or not okay. I won't know until I actually bake it and eat it.

So far, I have learned that I need to use very cold water, very cold butter, and basically try to handle the dough as little as possible, while getting it to hold together and be the right shape.

As for the way my pie tastes...it's a success! The pie crust is a little tough and not flaky enough, but the flavor is great!

I also like the filling, and that is largely because I was able to customize it to my liking. It isn't too sweet or syrupy, just the way I like it. The apples I used were very fresh. I like the fruit to crust ratio.

I am no Martha Stewart, but I can say one thing for sure: my pie certainly looks homemade :P 

Sunday, August 28, 2016

I'm in a pretty bad mood (see yesterday's post. Or rather, today's 1:30 am post). Anyway, being in a bad mood doesn't stop me from being somewhat functional. I'm trying.

I realize I'm always talking about people I dislike. Not just in my blog. I do this in person too. There's just more to say about injustice than about things being right. But there are a lot of people I like too. So I'm going to round things out a little and talk about people I like today!

If you're not on this list, please don't be offended. This isn't an exhaustive list by ANY means. This list doesn't represent the most kind and best things people have done for me necessarily, or the people that I like the most necessarily. It's more like a random smattering of people I like, from across different parts of my life. 


  • An accountant at work. She's young and just graduated. She went on a monthlong backpacking trip in Europe after graduating. She was telling me about it, and i was very interested. It sounded like the ultimate trip. It's nice talking to coworkers who have such interesting things to share.
  • Another accountant at work. We took a one hour walk during lunch a few weeks ago, and it was really fun. We saw a lot of sights: a park, big office buildings, a very small university campus. Next time we're going to walk by a church building. She's always positive and pleasant to be around.
  • One of my good friends who I have known for many years. She's always doing nice things for me. And she keeps it real around me. This weekend she helped me go shopping for a dress to wear to my cousin's wedding. She found great dresses, and we had lots of fun!
  • My old boss at the law office I worked at. It was his law office. He was not just a boss, not just a mentor, but truly a real friend to me (in a fatherly way).
  • Some of the women at church: I haven't known them for very long and don't see them all that often. But I really like a few of them. They're older than me. So they talk to me as a mix between being an older, wiser person, and being just friends who chat about fun things. It's cool!
Yesterday night I cried myself to sleep. I didn't mean to. I was just laying in a dark room, crying for a long time, and before I knew it, I had fallen asleep. When I woke up, it was already 5:30 in the morning. 

One of the people I most dislike in this world is a distant relative. He stayed in our house for about a month last year. I don't know why he was here for so long. He was here for a few days for a work conference. As for why he was here for the rest of the time, I can't speculate. 

But what I can talk about were his actions towards me. He was incredibly convinced that he had me all figured out, that my life was very horrible, and that he had great solutions for me. 

He really pushed these things in my face. Since he lived in our house, I could not avoid this. 

I never asked him for his opinions of me or his "help." When he saw that I wasn't responsive to his opinions and advice for me, he got downright extreme in his tactics. He said some pretty horrible things to me, in a horrible way, to try to get me to listen to him. He was "persistent" about "helping" me. 

Well, being the pushover that I am, I didn't really say too much back and tell him how out-of-line he was. Plus, I figured he would be leaving soon. 

Then after he left, he started sending me emails. Following up with me. He still wanted to "help" me. I politely responded in the beginning. But when his emails didn't stop, my responses got shorter, or I simply didn't respond at all. 

Finally, months after he had left, I sent him a very direct email to not push his opinions about me, on me anymore. He responded by...you guessed it. Still firmly insisting that he was right about me. He reiterated to me again that one of my flaws was being close-minded, and then he used this so-called weakness against me by concluding that this was the reason I could not accept his advice. He's very clever in how he argues with people. 

Anyway, I just didn't respond to his last email. That was several months ago. 

So, yesterday I found out that he's coming over for a month again. There's a good chance that he will spend it primarily at our house. I thought that it was a one-time deal, last year. I guess not. 

Maybe he's changed, but I doubt it. People don't change significantly, that quickly. 

When I found out that he's going to be here for a month again, I went nuts. Both in my head, and in action. 

I wrote him two emails yesterday. I made it very clear that I don't want to interact with him while he's here (but I did throw in "enjoy your visit"). I also told him to keep his strong opinions about me to himself. 

I guess I cried yesterday because I remembered how horrible it felt for me when he was here last year (for a MONTH), and because I can't believe that this is my life.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Things that make me laugh
  • This judgmental picture of the South Bay in the Bay Area. I know it's wrong to make fun of groups...but it's funny too! 
  • This article about how we are a nation of liars (Ryan Lochte, and Americans). I know it has a serious point, but I can't help laughing. It's refreshingly self-deprecating. 
  • When I went to watch a baseball game with my cousin, we had these great seats, and it was clear that we didn't know much about baseball. When I was looking at the scoreboard during the ninth inning, I thought that the "9" meant that we had 9 runs, until she corrected me.
  • Eighties slang. Gag me with a spoon! Radical, dude! 

Thursday, August 25, 2016

I had so much fun with Throwback Wednesday yesterday that today I'm doing Throwback Thursday. It's actually on Thursday!

Throwback Thursday

Two years ago, I went to a cool Fourth of July fireworks show. It was in Sonoma, California. It's a pretty small town and definitely has that small town, quaint, Americana feel to it. For me, that made it a perfect place to watch Fourth of July fireworks!


Also, I think I secretly want to live in a small town and secretly wish I had grown up in one.


The firework show was not the biggest or most impressive I've seen, but I loved it because it had a very cool community feel to it. It took place on an ordinary-looking field, in the middle of a residential area. The houses there were all cute and quaint too.


Almost everyone walked on foot to this field, right from their houses or from the downtown area where they had been hanging out beforehand. 


I love it when people around me are walking on foot to places! Everything feels much more personal.


Then people just waited for the show to start, sitting on blankets and chatting leisurely. It was very relaxing. Kids were running around the field throwing balls and stuff. It was crowded, but not too crowded. No one had to clamor for a "good spot." Some people nearby started playing random music loudly from their stereo, and that was entertaining.


As it got darker, I enjoyed peeking into one of the houses next to the field. The lights were on. It looked eclectic inside; it was the kind of house that has lots of books. 


After it was over, I walked back to the downtown area along with the rest of the crowd, about a fifteen minute walk. There were lots of people, but it didn't feel chaotic. Everyone was in good spirits. 

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Hi, today I would like to go back in time and talk about a pleasant memory from my past. I'm calling it "Throwback Wednesday." I think I'll keep this up for...an unspecified number of weeks. Yes, this doesn't make much sense!

Throwback Wednesday #1

I went to an expensive, private school for junior high. 

It was expensive, but there were many perks to this experience.

One of them was that we had delicious buffet lunches. They were optional, and they weren't cheap. But they were so worth it! No one ever complained about school food. Everyone raved about it. It was something to look forward to, every day.

Everything they offered at the buffet was delicious. We had a sandwich bar; everything in it was fresh, and it was abundant. They also had the best potato chips (thick and ridged), and I would fill up a big part of my plate with them.

I always saved my plate for the hot meal section though. The selection changed every day, and I could always count on it to be delicious. I remember ribs and potato skins.

Afterwards, I would take my plate and eat in the wooden dining hall (a little Harry Potter-esque), or more often, outside on the lawn with friends. 

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Tuesday poem

There was once a girl named Donna
She liked to eat potatoes
And when the alarm clock went off too early in the morning,
She muttered to it that it was very rude

There is no point to this poem
But that's the way she is
Sometimes random things and things that don't make sense
Are the very best!

Monday, August 22, 2016

An embarrassing story #2

Several months ago, I decided to try out a jazz class on Saturday morning. I had no idea what to expect, which was fine. I walked in blindly. 

About ten minutes into the class...after the first warm-up/stretching routine was over, I had a pretty good feeling that this was not the class for me.

It was too difficult, most people were much older than me, and most of all, I didn't really like the style of music the teacher was playing. Music is really important for me in dance; it's what inspires me to dance. This is especially an issue for me in a jazz class, because there's so much variation in the type of music you can dance jazz to. 

But since I was already there, I just decided to stick out this class. Not that I had much choice - it would have been really rude of me to leave in the middle of it.

The way this teacher taught, was that she liked to observe us as we were dancing. At the end of a set, after several minutes of dancing, she would give us individual feedback if she noticed something. She did this in front of the whole class, but it was no big deal. She liked to joke around, and the class was relaxed.

There was one set that I was just particularly not into. It was difficult, it involved a lot of leg stretching and ab work that I just wasn't interested in, and I really wasn't feeling the music. So I laid there on the floor, along with everyone else, but barely moved my body. I was just waiting for this set to be over. 

After it was over, the teacher gave a few students feedback. Then she got to me.

She hesitated. Her jovial expression changed into an uncharacteristically puzzled one.

"Do you have...tight...hamstrings?" she asked me.

I was confused and stayed silent. This wasn't even feedback, and no, my hamstrings were not tight. 

She repeated herself again. "Are you ok?" she asked me, seeming genuinely concerned. "Are your hamstrings tight?"

At this point, I got it. I had been so listless during the set that she actually thought there was something physically wrong with me.

I smiled and laughed it off, "No, I'm okay!" And I smiled again to try to look enthusiastic.

I really could have done a much better job of participating! 

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Hanging out by myself

I hang out by myself a lot. I kinda like it.

It's chill. I don't have to worry about putting on a show for anyone. 

I do things at the pace I want. That's nice. 

I have pleasant thoughts running through my head, I feel good physically, I feel a lot of vivid emotions. 

I feel pretty good about myself. 

It's nice. 

Saturday, August 20, 2016

What makes someone an adult

I don't feel terribly mature for my age. 

I guess there are a lot of ways we can define someone or ourselves as finally being an "adult." A lot of these are external factors.

But I don't think external factors necessarily mean anything. They can, but they don't have to. 

For me, the distinction rests on something else. It rests on seeing my parents as people, who are just as flawed as me. And accepting this. 

I've heard that this is what marks the transition into adulthood. 

I thought I understood what it meant to see and accept my parents as people, and not just these "mythical people." 

I recognized that both of my parents had flaws, some of which affected me greatly, and I was at peace with everything. 

I'm beginning to realize that even with this insight, I was only halfway there.

I think it's taking this insight one step further...understanding and accepting that my parents actually have an infinite number of flaws, that it's bottomless. They're people. Not just slightly flawed mythical people. But, very, regular, average-y, Joe Shmoe's.

This isn't meant to be degrading or insulting to them. It just means...they're people.

I never understood why so many people used this state as a benchmark for being an adult.

But now I have thoughts on the matter. They are: 

I think it's because you no longer see yourself as being "under" your parents anymore. You're on the same level as them. 

So you're an adult. 

At the same time, you have to accept them for who they are. There's no bitterness towards them, despite all their flaws. You still see them as your parents, special people in your life with a special role, not just ANY regular people. 

You still have a heart. So you're a person, still. An adult person. 

Okay, I think I get it now.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Ok, I feel weird in the office. This whole coworker-swearing-at-me thing is affecting me more than I thought it would.

It's one thing, I think, to swear and yell at your manager or someone with more power than you. They have the upper-hand, so it doesn't seem as "horrible" to treat them wrongly. You're not kicking someone who's down or weak, so to speak.

I'm the receptionist, and an admin, of sorts. He's a sales engineer. 

I'm also female. He's a guy.

Nor is he someone I'm supposed to tolerate a certain amount of "unhappy" or "unsatisfied" behavior from...I don't work for him, and it's not my job to support him at work or anything.

All of these factors matter. It makes his treatment towards me that much more wrong and disrespectful.

I wish Jesse had been here. If he had, I know he would have "beat" this guy up (or threatened to). :(

Anyway, even with management telling him that he was wrong and giving him a warning, this guy is going on and on about how I had bad tone, bad looks, bad body language, whatever. He even thinks he deserves an apology from me.

To that I say, whatever. I feel like, he just can't stop.

Anyway, it's time to put this past me. I think it makes sense for me to feel bad, but past a certain point, then it's on me. I just have to forgive this guy, move on.

I'm already starting to feel much better.

Okay, there's one more thing I want to talk about. Now, I don't know if this is my imagination or anything. Could be. 

So, I'm not sure how many times this has happened in our office before, where management has given an employee a warning (even an informal one) for his/her behavior towards another employee. This may be the first time. I'm not sure. 

But in any case, now I FEEL like there's a slightly funny feeling in the air. You're not supposed to "snitch" on people, and maybe I just made the office feel more bureaucratic. And maybe certain people, especially the people who were mean to me before and I don't get along with, are kind of walking on eggshells around me.  

Shrug. IF this is the case, then this is okay with me. I own what I did, and I can accept that it makes me unpopular. I never approached work with the idea that it has to be paradise and I have to be best friends with everyone here. As long as it's tolerable, I'm okay with it. 

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Hi, I had another topic all lined up and ready to go this morning, but something else has taken over my mood today. 

Yesterday, one of my coworkers, yelled at me and dropped the f-bomb on me. I was just talking to him rationally as a coworker, about an issue at work.

I was not happy. I reported this incident to every manager that he works under, that I could.

I wrote this up in an email and claimed "verbal harassment." That certainly got HR's attention. 

So, now, I believe they will give him a warning. I don't expect that he'll apologize to me, but I'm "happy" with this result.

"Happy." No, I'm not really happy. He gets a warning, which is what I wanted, but there are no winners here. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Friendly chat

-I'm currently eating Chobani Greek Yogurt. I like this stuff! My favorite is the black cherry flavor. Even if you don't like yogurt, try Chobani, if you haven't yet. It might change your mind. It's a good brand.

-I'm having a good hair day. Yay! 

-Last week, I took a walk at lunch, and I saw a man playing with his puppy. I stopped to play with his puppy for a few minutes. Her name was Angel and she was so cute!!! She let me scratch her under her chin, then she looked up at me with her puppy dog eyes, and jumped up to grab my arm with both of her little front legs. I just love puppies. 

-I also really like men. It's just the way I'm wired! 

The End.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

An embarrassing story

One of my coworkers is on maternity leave. She sits in the back, pretty quiet. I don't see her or talk to her unless I happen to bump into her in the kitchen or hallways. I usually just say "hi" to her and maybe a few words after that.

My coworker is a larger woman. She is very tall, and a bit heavyset. 

Now, I'm not the most observant person when it comes to other people's weight. I don't notice when other people seem to lose or gain weight, unless it's really obvious, but I can't even remember the last time that happened. When other people comment on how other people have lost or gained weight, usually I have nothing to say because I didn't notice a thing. 

Should I care more? I don't know. I've just got blinders on.

Anyway, earlier this year we started interviewing for a position in her department. I had no idea what was going on. Was someone leaving?

So I asked her. 

"Hey, we were interviewing for this RMA position. What's going on?"

"Oh," she said, "It's no big deal. We're interviewing for a temp for me."

"Huh?" I responded, clearly confused.

"Why do you need a temp?"

"Oh, it's for my maternity leave." She responded, and then she smiled a little and patted her stomach. "I guess you can't really see through all this. I'm pregnant."

I was mortified; I didn't even want to look down at her stomach. I don't remember exactly when our conversation took place, but she must have been decently into her second trimester.

There was no way I could recover from that, except to pretend like my oversight was no big deal, and to congratulate her. She was gracious about it.

OOPS!!!

Monday, August 15, 2016

I feel exposed. Everyone is all up in my business.

I'm writing a really personal blog. I already put myself out here. I don't care who reads this. It's for everyone. So what is Donna talking about, you're thinking to yourself.

Well, I still have problems with exposure. Just as much as anyone else. 

When Jesse showed up at the sales conference a few weeks ago, I mean, I guess it was for work, but to be honest, it didn't really seem like it either. Not entirely. It was just kind of unusual for someone in his position to be here for the sales conference, especially for some of the days that he was here.

As I talked about before, some of my coworkers had already seen what it was like between me and Jesse, a little. That was very uncomfortable for me and actually, a growing experience for me. I wasn't used to having the MOST personal parts of my life playing out in front of people. 

But actually, this was a totally normal thing to have happen. Why should relationships between people develop/happen in isolation and complete privacy from others? THAT would actually be a little strange, when I think about it.

Some things should be completely private. But some things don't need to be. And when those things remain private, it's actually a little dishonest. 

Jesse and I met in a community of people. From the very beginning, from just being ordinary coworkers and friends first, everything that happened between us has happened within the context of community. This is a great thing. If I can just get used to it and be more comfortable with it.

This feels weird for me, but currently, I'm sure some coworkers - the ones who have seen the history behind me and Jesse - know that something is up. They are watching it all happen, live, from front-row seats.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Olympic Thoughts 2 

Hi, here are more of my thoughts on the Olympics in Rio. It's halfway over. This is just a list of random things entering into my head. 

First of all, can I say SIMONE BILES. Okay, on Monday I wrote about how we might have some role models coming out of women's gymnastics. Little did I know that ***I*** was going to be part of the group influenced. Can you have role models who are so much younger than you? Yes, you can. Simone is awesome!!!

I think this is going to turn into a post mostly about Simone. First of all, I love her gymnastics. Normally, I like watching gymnastic styles that are more graceful and artistic, almost dancer-like. Simone is the opposite - she's just pure athleticism, a powerhouse. And guess what? I'm hooked. She's like a cannonball!!! 

But most of all, I LOVE her attitude. She's one humble gal. She doesn't put on airs, even when she couldn't possibly be more impressive and accomplished. I love her family - her adopted mom and dad!! I can see where she gets her great attitude from. I love how she overcame very difficult beginnings in life. I don't know how she managed to do all this, be this way, at age nineteen. 

I really love the moment when she and Aly Raisman walked out together, both celebrating their all-around victories in front of the crowd. I love their friendship and support for each other, despite being competitors. I love how Simone was gracious and humble enough to ask Aly to share this moment with her. 

And I just love Simone's attitude about simply being at the Olympics and simply competing in them! She looks like she's just having fun. Enjoying the experience. And really - isn't this more important than winning? I think it is. And I think it takes an incredible amount of self-esteem and humbleness to embody this attitude. 

I also really love Aly Raisman. I just imagine the odds she defied - coming back for a second gymnastics Olympics, being so "old" for a gymnast, and doing even BETTER this time around! She sure broke the rules. She sure did things her way. She sure believed in herself. Yay! 

I think her parents are great too, with their extremely nervous reactions sitting in the audience. It doesn't look fake to me. They look like very normal, caring, concerned parents. Again...very down-to-earth. The Olympics didn't get to their heads. 

Finally, the conditions for many of the athletes in Rio have not been optimal at all. Take the case of the pool water that turned green, in the diving and water-polo pools. It's not acceptable for the Olympics, but I think it's funny, because you just have to take things with a grain of salt. What else could you do if you were an athlete there? 

I don't know how much the media influences my perception of these things, but it seems like all of the athletes, in general, are dealing with the suboptimal conditions pretty well. I don't hear them complaining too much. They just deal with it, spending their energy instead on performing well, regardless of the conditions. This makes them true Olympians, in my book!

Saturday, August 13, 2016

I like sleeping. It's not because I'm really tired necessarily. It's not just because I like the effects of sleeping well. I just like it as an activity. 

It doesn't feel like I'm missing out on life when I'm sleeping enjoyably. It's not boring. It feels good. 

I don't think I will ever be one of those people who naturally likes getting lots of things done in the morning. It's not that I'm not a morning person. I think that my choice is just to be leisurely. If I had a choice. 

I like taking naps too. And not just because I'm particularly tired.

Anyway, in general, we are a sleep-deprived nation. This just represents the ideal, a treat, for me.

Friday, August 12, 2016

What law did for me (my legal background)

So, many years ago, I went to and graduated from law school, a pretty good one. Then, I worked at a law office for a couple years (part-time, if you could call it that) but I did some pretty substantial legal work. Then, I chose to work as a receptionist for many years. 

I'm not going back to law again (as certain as I can be), but that doesn't mean it's not part of who I am and that my background doesn't affect me. Even if I'm doing something completely different, as different as it can possibly be, law is still part of me. 

I actually already have a chapter about the positive effects of my legal training on me, in my memoir. The chapter pretty much explains everything. But..if my legal background is a part of me, then it makes sense that I would still talk about it. So here we go.

Well, I guess, first I want to start by saying some of the most hurtful things I heard from people when they found out I wasn't into law.

I'm not mad at anyone (anymore), but I mean...the memories still stay with me.

Probably the worst thing I heard was when someone told me that she thought I was giving up on law, because it was really hard for me and probably the first time I really had to struggle in my life thus far, and that I didn't know how to handle this. She was disapproving.

My mom said a similar thing to me, which was that she called me a quitter, and made me feel like I lacked a certain amount of integrity.

They weren't right, but there isn't really much you can say back to people who want to believe these things about you.

From my experience with this, and other experiences I've had in my short life, I've learned just how horrible being a judgmental person to others is, and I don't want to be judgmental to others.

I've learned the importance of being open-minded about other people; hopefully I can apply it and keep it up. The only thing I WILL judge someone for is if he/she has bad intent, in itself. But outside of that, I don't want to judge anyone's lifestyle choices as being bad. It's all good.

Law still affects me profoundly because I remember what I achieved, and I'm proud of it. Not just while in law school, but afterwards while working in the law office (which probably no one knows about). So, it's enough for me. 

It just made me really confident. I can't explain it. I feel like I can solve any problem - well, not EVERY problem, but enough to be able to get by, and certainly above-average. It's just a feeling of confidence.

I feel like I can hold my own among people. I know I'm not a genius and there are lots of people much smarter than me in this world, and that's totally fine. But I also feel like, in a way, no one can talk circles around me. I know that, I know my stuff. 

Going into law was a mistake, but there are good things that came out of that mistake, and that's what I take with me. 

Thursday, August 11, 2016

My favorite food: baked potato with abundant toppings

My favorite color: light pink

My favorite vacation: Caribbean cruise when I was in 5th/6th grade. Seeing the big, big world from a child's perspective...wow!

My favorite memory from this year thus far: tie between seeing Jesse walk into the office for the sales conference, and marching in the SF Chinese New Year Parade (I was part of a group holding the dragon)

My favorite piece of clothing in my closet: my light pink, J.Crew shirt (wearing it today)

My favorite style of dance: ballet

My favorite thing to cook: chicken and asparagus pasta in light oil/butter sauce

My favorite holiday: Thanksgiving. But only if people are cooking together happily in the kitchen.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Magic

A feeling that is larger-than-life. You realize that life is more than a collection of mundane, daily activities; life is more than "this is satisfactory and pretty okay, and as good as it gets." Yes, sometimes life is like this. A "pleasant grind," at best. But why settle? Life can also be more.

That's what magic feels like. You don't really know how it feels, until you feel it. When you feel it, you just know what it is. You just know.

Truthfully, feeling magic is scary. You don't know where it came from, so you don't know how long it will last. It can run out at the next moment. You live moment-to-moment.

Some people look for magic in the wrong places. I understand. I've done it. They're in love with the idea of love. They want to feel things, without substance and reality to back it up. Or they always live on the edge, to feel that constant rush. Or both.

Those things aren't really magic though. They're weak imitations of it.

Magic is mysterious, but that doesn't mean it's free. It actually takes some work to find it. What kind of work? Be honest with yourself. You'll know. 
I don't have my creep-meter on. Okay, it's semi-on. It's just not as sharp as it should be, to my liking, because I don't want to give any creep towards me anything, not even an INCH.

Creep is a nebulous label. Here's my definition for it. And maybe if I can define it, in my own words, my creep-meter will be sharper going forward.

Generally, a creep is:

Someone unsafe to be around, but it's not easy to put your finger on why.

More specifically, a creep is:

1) Someone who has bad motives towards you, but at the SAME time, acts like your friend - as someone who likes you, cares about you, is harmless.

2) Someone who wants to damage you and make you inferior, through the psychological, power aspect of sex.

Also, some creeps are both of these things.

The End.

PS. Some of the creeps who pissed me off lately (who "inspired" me to write this) are: a cashier/worker at the Panera I regularly go to; a bagger at the supermarket I go to sometimes; a sales manager from work I met at the sales conference; and a guy at work that I've known and worked with for years, who barely talks, and all of a sudden decided to make moves on me.

Whew! I feel better now!

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

A long time ago, relatively speaking, I talked about how I was in the process of writing these guides

They've been on my mind, but I haven't made much written progress.

Here's one of the few parts I have written: 

____
Donna’s Practical, Contemporary Guide to a Proposal and Engagement - Introduction   
While every woman dreams of her wedding, every man dreams of proposing.  
Okay, that’s not quite right. Men don’t dream about this.  
A man knows that this is the time for him to step up to the plate. He doesn’t dream of his proposal. He defines himself by it.  
A proposal is ultimately, a man’s show. He’s in charge.  
____

In a lot of ways, writing these guides is a process I can't force. Writing these guides is actually my way of processing these things. I think that understanding all these things, in the way that I know I should and I can, just comes in time. If I'm not there yet, I'm not there.

But right now, I also think I'm kind of being a wimp. As I talked about in my previous blog post, I AM scared of these things. I just need to force myself to face these things head-on, too. Being scared is no excuse. 

Monday, August 8, 2016

The Olympics are here!

The Summer Olympics are here! I like them more than the Winter ones.

I'm not a huge Olympics fan and don't know a lot about the sports. I'm not even watching it (we don't have TV at home).

But I like reading articles and clicking through pictures and videos.

Here's what I have to say about it! 


RIO:

-I have mixed feelings here. It pains me to watch the Olympics when I know it's being held in a city where it's causing more pain and damage to its residents, than helping them. I feel like it's almost wrong to be a fan and watcher of the Olympics - why should the city care more about someone like me and cater to me, than its actual residents?

-So far, I haven't heard of anything disastrous happening to visitors in Rio. Hopefully, everything was overhyped.

-I also think having it in Rio is cool too because it's in South America, and feels foreign to me. It's exciting.

-From the pictures of the opening ceremony, I thought it looked nicely done! It was impressive and grand, but not over-the-top. I liked the colorful bicycle riders, the rainforest and environmental theme, the dance party. It looked fun and I saw the city's personality. 

I also learned more about refugees from the refugee team. 

Oh yeah, and who can forget that oiled up flag-bearer guy from Tonga? I did a double-take when I saw his picture.


MY OTHER, RANDOM PROBLEM WITH THE OLYMPICS:

I don't like all the corruption. 

How many doping stories are there? I'm sure it's just the tip of the iceberg. 

And what about all the coaches that are just in it for their own gain? We all know what goes on behind the scenes in things like women's gymnastics...some of those coaches are openly not nice people. And the gymnasts are so young. 

But there are other good, memorable moments to the Olympics which really capture what they're all about. So I just focus on that.


EVENTS:

The only two events that I actually pay any attention to are swimming and women's artistic gymnastics. 

In swimming, I look forward to hearing how many gold medals the US has won. It's going to happen! Also, I like looking at the men.

In women's gymnastics, I have been informed that we have a strong team, and it looks like it. Cool! Hopefully we win gold again. I'll be following what happens. Hopefully we have some celebrities coming out of this too. It looks like a very racially diverse team. That's pretty cool. I can remember when I was a teenager and the Magnificent Seven won, they became role models and cultural icons. 

I like seeing all the different kinds of sports in the Olympics. I would never hear about them otherwise or know that they were sports. Like shooting.
One of my cousins is getting married soon.

I have my opinions, but they don't matter. I mean it. They really don't.

And that's the end of the story, right there. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Secrets

Every woman has secrets. Lots and lots of them. We're complicated creatures. There's a lot lurking underneath the surface. 

I've got my own secrets. Secrets about things that are personal, locked away in my heart. They remain my secrets not because they're too painful to talk about or because they mean more to me than other things...but because I couldn't possibly adequately explain them to other people. They're PERSONAL. 

My secrets don't affect my day-to-day life - the situations they're about are in the past, and I've moved past all the issues associated with them. 

Just knowing that I have my secrets though...makes my life a lot more interesting. 

Saturday, August 6, 2016

In the last few weeks or days or just generally recently, I have been organizing, cleaning, packing up a lot of sentimental things from my past years. What does this all mean? I don't know. I'm just doing it. 

I've been:

Framing my favorite childhood pictures of myself. Don't judge me, but there's one collection of photos I spent close to $200 framing (I had to customize the frame). When I receive the finished product, I'll post it on here. I think it'll look pretty cool. (And it should! I spent a lot of money).

Sorting through, printing, collecting, the photos of myself from the last decade of my life or so, and getting ready to put them in an album (a real, physical one).

Sorting through a big bag of junk, which mostly involved me keeping my birthday cards from the past few years.

Going through even more of my closet and emptying it of items I don't want anymore. I have gone through pretty much my entire closet now (shirts, sweaters, skirts, hoodies, pants, casual dresses, fancy dresses, hats).

Cleaning out my desk drawer. I found a lot of good stuff. Among them, I saw all the red envelopes and money I have accumulated through the years (a Chinese tradition) and realized how much I am loved. Now I want to clean out my bookshelf and my other drawers. 

And a few other things. 

Again, what does this all mean? 

I'll have to ponder that for awhile....