Sunday, July 10, 2016

I started watching Frozen randomly. Because I don't have that many movies on the iPad (2 actually), and I wanted to watch something. I clicked on it, and before I knew it, I was watching the whole thing again. 

Frozen came out a couple years ago, but boy did it make an impact on me when it came out. As I was just watching it, I felt like I was transported back to that time when it first came out. It sure brings out a lot of strong emotions and things in me. 

One thing about Frozen is that I really relate to Elsa. She's even my Facebook profile picture. 

One of the things I most relate to with Elsa is the fact that she's heavily misunderstood. She's heavily misunderstood because she's so different from other people. She goes through things no one else can understand (living with her ice power). 

I had a difficult childhood. The effects of that carried over all the way into my mid-twenties. Getting worse and more entrenched in me each year. 

And then, to get out of that, to get out of ALL that, to try and turn myself around psychologically, internally, at my very core...when I was well into my adult years, already in my mid-twenties, well....I had to go through some very deep, intense, psychological, soul-searching-like stuff. 

I faced demons and darkness in my soul, in life, that are so, so dark. Because I wanted to get better, finally. So I had to take a very good and thorough look at the darkness that was in me, to get past it. 

As I was going though this process (it's definitely a process. This isn't an overnight thing), I didn't know how to articulate to people what I was going through. I was in the middle of this internal turmoil, trying to fight my way through it. I was still in blackness and darkness. I didn't understand it myself. I didn't know how to explain what was going on with me, even though I felt it all. 

Consequently, people didn't understand my choices, behaviors, actions. I felt misunderstood. It made me sad. I knew I was alone in my struggle. I was sad. 

Ironically enough, one of the biggest things I was fighting through this whole time, was learning how to show people the real me. To not hide anymore. I didn't know how to adequately explain to people my current struggle at the time, but I could and did work on, slowly, revealing more real parts of me to people - something I had never, ever done in my life before. 

I've lived a life where I spent most of my time trying to hide my real self from other people, and myself. I didn't think I was a valuable person, so I didn't want to know myself, nor others to know me. 

It was a life of no love. No love to myself, and no love to others. Sharing is caring. 

And it was killing me. 

I'm not out of the woods yet. It's process. A very long, tiring, difficult one. 

And this blog is part of my healing, my solution. Not only that, but this lets me be the person I've wanted to be, for so long, ever since I started my struggle. 

This lets me be someone completely opposite of who I was before. I can tell everyone, the whole world in theory, who I really am. Everything that people, you, deserve to know about me. 

The good AND the bad. 

And that's true freedom.

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