Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Awhile ago, I wrote about how Jesse doesn't feel like a real person to me. With Jesse, everything is just intense. I can't take it all in at once. I'm not that mature.

There are a lot of good things with him. And a lot of bad things. And I think that's just the nature of human relationships. 

At first, I only focused on the good things with him. Good moments that we had. Good ways he treated me. Good things I did for him that made me happy. 

I knew that bad stuff was there too, and it wasn't like I wanted to ignore it, but more like, I couldn't process everything at once. It was hard enough for me to accept the fact that someone could do such nice things for me, that I was worthy of this. It was hard enough for me to do nice things for someone, from the bottom of my heart. I was already having a hard enough time processing the good stuff.

Yes, I was a very broken person.

Then, after he left, I started processing the bad things. It sucked. I cried a lot to myself.

Throughout this whole time, my brain (or internal state, or whatever) has only been able to see one side of things at a time - good or bad. But it should be both. And that's why he never feels real to me.

In the last several months, I've been in the internal state of only seeing and focusing on the bad things. I had to process it. And now, I think I can think about the bad things without feeling completely overloaded. 

And so now, I also want to think about the good things too, simultaneously.

Here's a good memory I have. It makes my heart melt.

For the longest time, I always had this vision, this dream scenario, that would play out in my head.

Jesse was the hot guy at work. Even if you weren't single or if you were male, you knew it. Everyone knew it.

I was the...I don't know. I think I was attractive too, but also mousy and plain. I don't know. Both somehow?

I think a lot of people in the office, this clique of people specifically, could tell that there was something going on, but they didn't know exactly what it was. 

I had this vision that during one of our company parties, at dinner, Jesse would come up to me and declare his love for me in front of EVERYBODY.

Well, not literally say "I love you." But I don't know, like, just announce to the whole table (and he's good at drawing attention), how awesome I was, and put his arm around me, and start flirting with me in front of everyone, purposely. And then draw me out to the dance floor. In front of everyone. Stuff like that.

And, I knew how I was going to react. I would do that whole "I'm really shy, I don't like this public attention" thing, but secretly, totally love it.

Well, that never happened. In fact, the opposite of it happened. 

At his last company dinner, things were not good. Jesse was really mad at me. Beyond mad at me. It was close to, and in a way, at the point return. I had really screwed up. I had given him lots of signs that I was interested and wanted to move forward, but nothing big enough for what he wanted and needed from me. Once I realized that I was about to lose him, that I was in really, really deep water...that jolted me out of my complacency and fear of taking significant action. 

I was forced to be courageous. He forced me into it. (He makes me a better person). 

Our company dinner was at Outback Steakhouse. I saw him come into the room. He was furious at me, still. He sat at a different table than me, right in the middle of this clique of people that suspected/knew something about us.

At some point during the dinner, I knew the opposite of my vision was going to have to happen. I was SO scared to approach Jesse in front of EVERYONE, in front of people who were very interested in this type of gossip.

I made myself do it. I just got out of my seat, robotically. Almost abruptly (there's no other way to do it). I was SCARED. 

I just went right up to him, interrupted their group conversation (they weren't talking about anything serious), and started talking specifically to Jesse. Everyone there knew what I was up to. 

I asked him fun questions. I kept it light. I smiled at him. I stood next to him, as he sat in his chair. Of course, everyone around us was watching and listening.

Jesse was cool with it. He answered my questions and talked to me like it was totally normal. At times, he addressed our coworkers sitting around him, and involved them in the conversation. I directed the conversation to them as well, sometimes. After approaching Jesse was intended to be a PUBLIC thing. Our whole interaction was very public. And private, at the same time.

The whole time I was standing next to his chair, smiling down at him, as he sat in his chair.

And I smile at this memory because...we were being our natural selves with each other, being right in the middle of our normal community...and yet, there was tension in the air. Exciting tension. The juxtaposition of these two things is pretty great. 

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