Friday, July 15, 2016

And yet another level of transparency

Being honest about being honest

Wow! Always, just when I think I can't possibly be more honest, it can't possibly be harder for me, life/God/me/something goes, nope, there's something you can be more honest about. 

My reaction is usually some combination of:

"No way! That's too personal! I resist."

"<an expletive>. <another expletive>. That's hard."

"<expletive>."

I think you get the point. I'm not one of those people that easily glides through life through all its challenges. I have to get down and dirty, wrestle, messy...I'm not saying this to sound cool. It's not cool. It's ugly.

The thing I want to reveal today, is that, writing this blog is really, really hard for me. I'd like to think (and have you all think) that I just glide through this thing.

No. I don't.

Maybe that will change some day. (Or maybe it won't). 

I don't sit here, calmly, typing up an entry in less than an hour, with a peaceful smile on my face the whole time, pleasantly sipping a glass of water in between breaks.

Actually...and here's the truth...it takes me a LONG time to write these entries. Even the short ones. 

I stare off into space a lot. But I don't think I'm really thinking, not most of the time.

I'm processing the topic, before I write it, or as I write it. I'm summoning up courage to write about it. And many more things, that I don't know how to explain. It's just an internal struggle as I write.

It takes a long time, and it takes a lot of energy out of me as well. 

Even just thinking up the topic is a big struggle in itself.

But I'm not complaining! It's hard, but I know it's good for me. I ultimately feel better :). A LOT better.

And even though I do struggle, I do enjoy this as well. I really do. So, I don't want you to get the wrong idea here.

I guess you could call this a "good struggle".

Want to know how long this entry took me to write? Look at the timestamp on the bottom here. I started writing this entry close to the time I got into work, after getting settled in and stuff. Let's say a little after 8:30 am. 

I have been doing other things this whole time, but not much.

And this goes for most of my entries that I've written from work thus far (all the ones on the weekdays). Look at the timestamp of when those entries were published, and you have a pretty good idea of how long it took me to write them and how much energy I put into them, because as I said, I am doing other things in the meantime, but it's usually not much.

And that's the truth about this blog! And what it takes (for me) to be honest.

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