Thursday, June 23, 2016

Pain

I debated about whether to talk about my pain on here. My first inclination was, No! I don't know why. I don't like thinking about my pain. And I don't like appearing weak.

But if I didn't talk about my pain, then that wouldn't be complete. My life is not all sunshine and roses and positive things. Do other people really have that life? I don't know. But it's not me.

I'm in a lot of pain because Jesse doesn't commit to me, and I deserve that from him. I think he'll get there; he should. I don't make that statement out of desperation or emotion, but by reason. Jesse loves me a lot - I know it. I don't mean just emotionally, but in caring too. His flaw is that he's a bit immature and doesn't like committing to women. 

Now, some men never get over this, or if they do, they're seriously ancient by then. I don't put Jesse in this category of men - if I did, I would have bolted long ago. And believe me, a part of me wishes that I could put him in this category and totally write him off, because then I wouldn't have to suffer. This is NOT suffering I put upon myself because I'm too weak to demand for something better. I think that's the easy way for people to see my situation, and I know people mean well, but it's not true.

I don't put Jesse in this category of men because I saw him trying with me. For so long. He stood by me, he waited for me, he pursued me, even when it was tremendously difficult for him to, because it had been so long. I saw him stretching himself to remain with me in this way, choosing patience and commitment over instant pleasure. I saw where he had started out from, and how far he had come. 

But he's not fully there yet. I know the right thing for me to do is to be gracious and give him time to fully overcome his flaw. That's what I'm doing. 

But I'm tremendously hurt. This is one of the worst things I can feel as a woman - to not have that commitment from a man, when I know I deserve it. 

I feel angry at him too. Anger and hurt, they go hand-in-hand.

As for the hurt, there's nothing I can do about it. That will be there, as long as he hasn't fully overcome his flaw. I just have to take it as it comes. This is a new concept to me - taking hurt and pain from a man. And taking more hurt and pain from him, than I cause him. 

My natural instinct tells me that this should never be the case - I should protect myself from hurt, and I certainly shouldn't tolerate being hurt by someone more than I hurt him/her. But that's my pride and fear speaking. If we want to get close to people, really close to them, then this happens to us sometimes. It shouldn't happen all the time, but it will happen sometimes.  

This is a fact of life, and if I don't accept it, then I'm not humble to life. And that's really bad to be, because I'm declaring myself to be THE master of the universe...which clearly, I'm not. 

As for my anger, well, there's only one good way for me to deal with that, and that's to forgive Jesse. Yes, forgive him. It's for my good as much as his. I feel pain, but that doesn't mean I should be angry at him. Being angry at Jesse is no good. 

There's only one "tiny" problem with this...which is that, I don't seem to be able to forgive him and let it go. Well, I guess part of me has, and part of me hasn't. It's a work in progress.  

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