Friday, June 3, 2016

I've often wondered how people at work perceive me. I work in a small office, less than thirty people here. No one can really hide their true character here for long. Also, I'm in a visible position in the office to everyone, as I'm the receptionist, so everyone must have some kind of opinion of me. 

I've been here for almost four years. In that time, I never really could tell. Maybe I just didn't want to be honest with myself. Well, if I am honest with myself, I can probably take a pretty good guess at how I come across. The good and the bad.

Since I've been here for awhile, the way I have come across has changed. So I'll just start from the beginning.

When I first started working here, for less than half a year, I can guess that I came across as pretty, very smart, and genuinely nice/kind. All the girls wanted to be me, and all the single guys liked me (well, most of them probably). At the same time, I probably also came across as extremely naive and inexperienced for my age. About life generally. 

Then, for the next several years, things changed. For a variety of reasons, I became quieter in the office. A lot quieter. During this time, I guess that I came across as shy, quiet, and genuinely nice/kind. It was easy for people to take advantage of me, if they wanted to. And they did, many of them did. I stood up for myself, but only a little. Not as much as I could have.

Then, things began changing more for me, slowly. I became even more quiet at the office, if it was possible. Yes, I was the receptionist, and I came across as generally friendly, but I didn't go out of my way to talk to anyone anymore. I barely made any small talk, unless it was necessary. I did the bare, minimum amount of communication, though I still gave off the impression that I was overall friendly. This was a slow progression, and it's where I am today. 

Because this is in the present tense, it's harder for me to talk about, but I should still do it anyway. I probably come across as being genuinely nice/kind, confident in myself (I do my own thing here and am comfortable not being part of the in-crowd at all), mature (since I don't get caught up in things), yet still shy and quiet at the same time. There's good and bad stuff in there. I'm human.

I don't know if I'll ever overcome my shyness and quietness. There is a part of me that might always be really intimidated by people, all people, individually and in groups. There is a part of me that might always prefer to be a bit more invisible than necessary, out of intimidation. 

I'm not really going to go out of my way to change or improve these things about myself too much. I feel like I might not get much further. And plus, everyone has flaws. 

I don't like how people can see my flaws. But that's part of life. 

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