Monday, June 27, 2016

I'm naive. I've lived a very sheltered life. Well, that's embarrassing to admit. But it's even worse to feel the effects of it and come face to face with it. I.e., getting a reality dose.

Before I started working here, I never experienced how awful people can be. I was living in a tent, I guess. I wasn't in that many communal situations. Or when I saw people, I removed myself from that situation as much as I could. Or, I simply closed myself off from people and what was going on around me. I didn't hate people. I just didn't know any other way to interact with people, and I never had to worry about fending for myself, so I had no need to go out and find a way to deal with people.

In my world, a bad person, the worst someone could be, was someone who made an offhand remark to me, didn't like me, and hurt my feelings. That was a bad person.

Anyway, I started working here. No one did me any favors here. And I stayed with this situation, because I knew I needed to grow up and for the current moment, this job was my reality.

I certainly got reality here. I wasn't spared a thing. I had to deal with people who didn't play by the rules and got away with it. That's reality. For most people, it would already be difficult to take. For me, even harder, seeing as it was my first foray into reality and a severe jolt. 

The easy way to deal with this, and what many people do, is also break the rules and get away with things too. But I didn't, and never, want to be that kind of person. By the way, I'm not talking about breaking the rules in a relatively harmless or mischievous way. I'm talking about breaking them so that you hurt other people, significantly.

It's hard to live morally in an ugly world.

I have a hard time coming into the office every day, knowing that I have to be in the vicinity of certain people. It makes my blood boil. It makes me sad. I have to numb myself, to deal with it.

I guess I have to get used to the fact that I don't live in a perfect world. The bad people aren't the ones who make a small remark and hurt my feelings. 

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