Monday, May 23, 2016

This is so hard for me to write about because it is, no doubt, the hardest thing in my life. I don't wish for ANYONE to go through what I go through. This is the number one, hardest thing in my life. 

As I write this, I want to cry, but no tears come. They are just stuck. But it is sad.

Jesse never feels real to me. Yes, he's a real person. Yes, everything between us is real. 

But he still doesn't FEEL real to me. I go through life feeling like he doesn't really exist in this world, even though he does. I go through life feeling like the love between us doesn't exist, even though I know it's there.

I FEEL this way because maybe, I don't know how to process what Jesse is. To me.

It's such a terrible feeling, and that's an understatement. It's one thing to not know what we're missing--we don't feel much; we can be blissfully unaware. It's another thing to FEEL, very acutely, what we're missing. And the more important/significant it is, the worse it is. It feels like a kind of Hell.

I used to think it wasn't really possible to give a rational reason for why I felt this way about Jesse. A feeling of blankness, when I know that it is not. 

But now I think, that was just my cop-out. There are rational reasons. 

In the past, it was because I couldn't process and handle the truth, of a lot of things between us. The bad things I had done to him. The bad things he had done to me. Looking at Jesse was like looking at all of his, and my, worst flaws. I couldn't face that. 

And now...I think it's because I don't know how....to focus on all the good things between us. There are A LOT. But I just get stuck on all the bad stuff, in my mind. And when I do that...well, that's not reality either. No wonder I can't see him being a real person in life, and in MY life. 

I don't dream about Jesse often, and when I do, they're nightmares. I dream up distorted images of him. They make my heart break. 

I don't want to have nightmares of Jesse. And I want him to feel real to me. 

I think the solution is just as I stated....I need to see ALL of what's between Jesse and me, the bad AND the good. Before, I couldn't face the bad. Now, I can't get past it and see the good, too. 

But maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe this is difficult for ANY girl to do for a guy. To focus on the good, when we're well-aware of all the bad. 

Maybe it's SUPPOSED to be difficult to do. If so, then I have to try, but I can't really complain.

I need for Jesse to start feeling real to me. Because I need to be in tune with reality. It's like oxygen. Being in tune with reality. And right now, I'm not breathing oxygen. Sad, isn't it. 

So I'm going to put forth lots of effort into fixing this problem. Yes, it's a problem. I'm going to be very conscious and deliberate about thinking of the good with Jesse, and not the bad when there isn't any reason to anymore.

I'm just going to do it like a mechanical exercise. Keep going through the good things in my head, over and over again. Even if I'm not feeling it in the moment. 

Then it seems to me, by logic, that I won't have this problem anymore of feeling like he's "not real." 

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