Sunday, May 22, 2016

On Sunday nights, or starting sometime on Sunday, for almost as long as I've been working at my current company, I will start to get extremely anxious for the coming work week. I don't think I can blame it on this job specifically, because this is the first "real" job that I've found, in terms of making it entirely on my own here and sticking to it. So I might have had this problem with any other job as well. 

This has bothered me for a long time. I think about it during the week. I dread Sundays, because I dread the ensuing anxiety that I know will come. The worst part is, I really don't know why I have it. 

On Mondays, because of all the anxiety I've felt from the night before, my mind is almost always very cloudy and I'm tired. It takes me a full day to recover from all that. No one likes Monday anyway, but my anxiety on Sunday is just not normal. 

Well, this is pretty embarrassing to go through, but I'm going to try to play therapist on myself here. I think I just need to go through a mental visualization exercise of what a pleasant work week would look like for me. I don't need to be having a blast at work, but it can still be okay. That's a newsflash for me. 

I'm not going to love being around or even just merely seeing some (many) of my coworkers, but it's not going to make me feel super emotional or anything. It's not that bad. 

I'm not going to feel feelings of happiness when I see my boss or upper management (let's face it's, this company has problems with the way it's run....but then again, don't most companies)...so that's normal. What do I expect? Feeling like I've met the princess of Disneyworld?

I'm going to feel kind of like a loser for what I do at work....I've written about this before, but I'm always going to feel somewhat ashamed of what I do. "I'm just a receptionist. It's not good." Yes, I can have these feelings...but so do a lot of people with their jobs, no matter what they do. It's rare that people feel like they're totally awesome and impressive at work. That's why it's called "work." It's not trophy-time for ourselves. 

It's really boring. I just stare out the window and wait for my day at work to end. THEN I can go home and feel free, like my time and life is my own. Well, yes, that's work. Everyone goes through it. It sucks, but life could be a lot worse. 

Even though I get a one hour break for lunch, it's not even that great. "I am still at work, it's just the middle of my workday. I still do have to return. I feel a little more freedom, but ultimately, I still feel like I'm at work. Which I am. I'm just on my lunch break, that's all." Those are the unpleasant thoughts I think to myself....but guess what, that's life. Life could be worse. 

I hate (should I use that word?) my morning and evening commute. "All those cars. The slow-moving traffic. It just adds to my stress. What a sucky way to begin and end each workday." Yes, and that's life. Life could be a lot worse. 

I think my point (to myself) is that I just need to shift my perspective a bit. Maybe this is a product of me being spoiled, with unrealistic expectations. I'm sure that contributed to it. But I think I also wanted/needed work to fill up some void in my life that it's not really supposed to fill up, not to such a huge extent anyway. A void of happiness, and self-worth. 

At the same time, just because I submit myself to these realities of work, doesn't mean that I need to deaden myself to life, and just accept life for being half-good, at best. I can still have a heart and truly care about things, passionately. I just need to be honest with myself about how I don't like work...but life can still be okay, good. I just need to be more open-minded about how life should be. And to acknowledge, fully feel out and process, all my feelings of dread about work.

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