Wednesday, May 11, 2016

I feel very self-conscious about discussing this. It's not a flattering thing about myself, what I'm going to write, so that's understandable. But I'm really insecure and weird about this. I'm really weird about this. 

I have to take a deep breath before I start.

In my life, I haven't really made a single, new friend since I was in 4th grade. As in, met someone I liked for one reason or another, and decided to befriend her because I think we would have fun together. That hasn't happened since I was in 4th grade.

I've had other friendships in my life since then, but not the kind I just described above. They were usually friendships that happened because I was in the same community or groups as them, and I had known them for awhile. I didn't hang out with these friends individually either, not much. If I did, it was often more of a mentor-mentee type relationship, where the other person (my friend) was trying to help me, in some way. It wasn't the kind of friendship where we hung out with each other individually to have fun with each other.

I wanted to have this other kind of friendship in my life, but I lost my way and didn't know how to build this kind of relationship in my life.

About a month ago, I met this girl at a BBQ I was at. She seemed fun and interesting and nice. I decided to reach out to her, and today we're getting coffee/drinks after work.

It's hard putting myself out on the line, but this doesn't feel impossible anymore. I wonder if we will have fun and have fun things to talk about; I used to be very depressed and dead inside so I didn't know how to have fun. It's also scary opening up about myself to someone, but I think I can manage that now.

I also have no idea what kind of friendship it will turn out to be, ahead of time; nothing's been established. I'm totally open to whatever happens, as long as it feels natural. I feel free.

Even if I didn't act on it because I knew I would be met with great disapproval, I used to be an extremely clingy friend. I used to want friends to want to hang out with me all the time, and share a lot of things with me. I wanted us to be best buddies. I didn't express this outright, but this was always my secret wish. I think I was just looking for validation, and also trying to use them to fill up a void in my life that they really couldn't fill up and wasn't their's to fill up anyway.

Well, I'm not approaching my new friend today with this attitude anymore. I don't have unreasonable, somewhat perverted, expectations.  I'm willing to open up, but there's also a place at which it has to stop. This isn't meant to be that kind of relationship in my life, where it becomes everything. 

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