Sunday, May 22, 2016

I don't sleep well at night. But this is nothing new. I've been this way my whole life. I don't have a physical deficiency. It's all mental. 

I remember when I was very little, I was afraid to go to sleep at night. It's one of my earlier memories, and definitely my first memory of going to sleep at night. I don't know how old I was. Maybe around 5 or 6. I went through this phase. I was just scared and wanted to sleep with my parents. I used to go into their room, but my mom got really angry/irritated with me for disrupting their sleep, so I went back to my room. 

Was I scared of monsters under my bed? Was I just scared of the dark? Was I scared of the bogeyman? Yes and yes. 

It's not really a rational fear. It's just something about the dark. When it comes, we feel our hair rising and an imminent threat of some kind. 

It's really the fear of the unknown. Our mind plays tricks with us. 

Over the years, I didn't sleep well for various other reasons. There were the normal reasons, such as being stressed for a big test the next day, or just generally stressed with life and feeling like I had to do too much, there was too much on my shoulders. I didn't sleep well because I became scared of not sleeping well and insomnia, which was just a bad cycle. I didn't sleep well because I felt unhappy and lonely. All of those reasons. 

Those other reasons for not sleeping well at night, I think I've managed to conquer. Well, they come and go. But it's like that for everyone. 

But my fear of the unknown. That stays with me. It shouldn't. 

It's not just because of the dark, though that has something to do with it. We can't see in the dark. But I think it's also because, when we sleep (or when we sleep well) we're giving up control of our minds. Our brain is working, but not in a way we have control over.

I think that in a healthy individual, the unknown shouldn't scare us. It should make us feel excited and free. We think of possibilities. 

How to reverse my mindset? I want to sleep well at night. Maybe just by embracing more of the unknown in my daily life, my problem will start to go away. 

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