I didn't want to write about this because it seems like I've written about it enough, to death, in other things I've written and talked about it, to death, with other people. It's about another one of my major flaws, and that's insecurity with men. I don't mind sharing and this blog is probably incomplete without my writing about it, but what new things could I possibly write about it that I haven't before? As you can tell, I'm really tired of this flaw. I feel like it conquers me.
As I wrote a few days ago, I'm waiting for Jesse to ask me if he wants to start a relationship with me. The ball's in his court, and this is driving me crazy. The uncertainty. The what-ifs. What if he doesn't?
I get that this is a normal thing for any girl to wonder about, but the uncertainty/doubt is driving me crazy to unreasonable proportions. Yes, there's a risk, but there's a risk with anything in life! The risk should feel manageable.
The reason I'm going so insane is because my insecurity is flaring up and making me FEEL like this has basically no chance of happening (him asking me this). My insecurity is making the world a more sinister place than it really is, and I'm going crazy in this sinister world. That I've made up.
Rationally, I know how much he was into me, always was, and still should be, barring no major changes.
So why can't I get my feelings and myself under control? And if not under control, then better than what I've got going on now.
To be totally honest, I cry a lot over this. I feel like ending my life (it's just a passing thought in the moment; I don't think about this seriously). I feel like my world is really going to end; it feels so real and imminent. It's all I can think about.
I don't know what to do with myself :(
All I have to say is, I'm struggling.