Friday, May 13, 2016

Hi, friends. You are my friends because what I'm going to share with you is very personal. Yes, it seems like all I do is share my very personal stuff on here. How can it get more personal? But it can.

Okay, friends. Today I'm going to talk about my feelings.

My feelings are messed up. This makes me sad :(

They're not messed up because I can't control them. They're messed up because I don't know how to let them out.

When I was younger, I think people assumed that I just didn't have a lot of feelings. There are people in the world like that; we all fall on the feeling spectrum somewhere. But really, that wasn't me. I am someone who feels a lot of things; I was just busy repressing all my feelings, and very good at this.

Then, one day, (well, it didn't happen easily or anything, but I'm just going to skim through this part here), I realized that this was not a good way to live. I wanted my feelings to come out. I wanted to be me, and free. Even if it was hard and painful.

This is not an easy process, not when we've been repressing our feelings for as long as I had, and for as strongly as I had. I was in a really, really bad state. When I was in my late twenties, someone was talking to me about emotions, and I didn't have a very clear concept of what that was (emotions). I knew then that something was wrong with me; it felt like I should have had a better understanding of these things. But even then, I didn't understand how bad I was.

So, now, years later, people would not agree with what I'm saying about myself here. They do see me express my emotions now, a lot of them and strongly. 

But what they don't know, is that the greatest emotion I'm supposed to feel (when it's there), I still can't feel. 

That's romantic love for someone.

If I can't feel my greatest emotion (when it's there), then I still feel, and am, trapped in my emotional numbness. And all of the other emotions that I am able to feel now, I actually don't really feel fully either. 

So I live in this very odd, tortured world. Where I know that I have these strong emotions inside of me, but I still can't let them out. I feel suffocated, trapped, not free.

I have to try feeling romantic love now. Because it's there in my life, for me to feel. 

Yes, it's a risk to. It's scary. Uncomfortable. That's really an understatement. But if we want to live, we have to take this risk.

And then I know, I'll finally be free.

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