Thursday, May 12, 2016

Around September last year, I started writing a memoir of my life. I told my sister at one point, and she was a bit incredulous. She didn't think I could have anything to write a whole book about, at my age. I knew she was wrong, because people didn't know the real me. No one did, not even my family, who thought they all knew me. 

My memoir is about how I went from being a very mean person to being a very good person. For most of my life, I was very mean. At some point, I changed, and I grew up. It was very hard.


My memoir was incredibly hard for me to write. As I was writing it, that was part of the whole process of me growing up. Writing helped me process the person I used to be and how I had changed.


I put my heart and soul into my book. It took me more than half a year to write, which I don't know if that is a lot or not, but definitely for that whole time, my whole being was invested in my book. Every sentence, maybe even word, of my book, took blood, sweat, and tears to churn out. It was very difficult because it's so real and honest.


Now, it's finally finished. I actually didn't know if I would ever be able to finish it, if I had the strength to write about everything that I needed to; it seemed like an impossible goal. But I did finish it. 


My memoir is around 65,000 words long. I don't know anything about publishing, but from what I've read online, that is about the minimum acceptable word length for a publishable memoir. I think my memoir is worthy of being published. It meets the word length requirement, it's interesting, and it's well-written.


It means a lot for me to get my memoir published. I don't want the fame or money. I mean, that's always nice (I don't know about fame), but anyway, it's really not about that. 


Partly, it's because I know it's a good book, and it deserves to be published, so it's a little bit for my self-pride and achievement, but in a good way.


But mostly, it's because, I want to share who I am, with the world. This blog does some of that, talking to friends and people does some of that, but people won't really know all my backstory, without reading my memoir. My memoir explains everything. 


I'm not a narcissist who just wants everyone to listen to me and hear about me. I want to do this because I want to be open about myself and share who I am, with the world. This is important to me; I feel like it's one of the reasons I was put on earth. So people can know me. So we can know each other.


So, this is something I really care about--getting my memoir published--and to be honest, I'm more than afraid.


I know it's going to be really hard to get it published. This is an uphill battle. I don't know anything about publishing, and the market for memoirs is, I'm sure, really, really difficult.


When something is really important to me, and scary, I have a tendency to manage it in a really bad way. I manage it by being really strict about what needs to happen as I'm pursuing my goal. If it doesn't go according to my plan, then I simply keep doggedly chipping away at it, at the same thing that's not working. Most of the time, this means I don't end up accomplishing my goal, not really. But I act this way because it gives me some psychological peace in that at least, I have a very strict plan to follow.


I also tend to put off important, but scary, things to me, for a future date, that never actually ever comes around. 


I have all of these bad tendencies. It means I never get anywhere in life.


So I can't do that anymore here.  

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