A few weeks ago I wrote about my insecurity. Insecurity with whether Jesse likes me back. I'm insecure for no reason. I know I shouldn't be. It's just a feeling, based on nothing. It's my flaw.
I was struggling. I still struggle. I will always struggle. But, I can learn how to manage it so that it doesn't take over my life. Right now, I don't have that. That's humbling to admit.
If I can talk about HOW to manage it, then maybe, that is the first step.
As far as my insecurity with Jesse goes, I don't do the classic girl things of stalking him or bothering him. I'll give myself that, at least. I want to, but I know it wouldn't work.
I'm not exactly numb either. I don't go around thinking that I don't like him. I do.
Basically, I'm just swimming in my negative emotions, all day long. The undercurrents of them are always here, with me. I live in perpetual fear and dread. I think my life is going to end soon. I feel sad and hurt, unloved. I live with my feelings rampant like this, clouding everything in my life. And, I don't want to live like this anymore.
Jesse is aware of my insecurity. He's seen it in action before, and he knows how girls are wired. I'm pretty sure he knows how insecure I feel right now too. I mean...I'm waiting for him, and he knows it.
Thankfully, he's never made me feel unaccepted for this. I'm sure it's really unattractive though :(.
In order to conquer my insecurity, I have to process my feelings fully. I don't do that. I don't name my feelings. I don't acknowledge them fully. I do a little and I have gotten better at it, but it's not fully.
I think that just by admitting that I have this problem of fully processing my insecure feelings, that's the first step to conquering it.
I anticipate that this will be a pretty constant action for me. I'm a pretty emotional person. And it will probably take me a long time to process my feelings each time. But I guess, this is the way that life works. It's new to me.
If it's conquered, then I will feel like I am a functional person in control of myself and my life.