Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The idea of home has been on my mind/pressing on me.

Home is so important. But what is it generally? Home is the place where we feel like we should be. It's a feeling we get. An important one. Because we all belong somewhere. When we have that, we operate well. When we don't, we go looking for it in places we won't find it and we act oddly.

When we're little, home is a very defined concept. There are two elements to it. First, there a geographic component to it, and that's the place we live permanently. It's both a geographic region and a physical building. Second, home is the family structure we're in. It includes parents, two of them, a mom and dad. It can also include other blood relatives, if there are any, or other people who feel like they have that bond with us.

I was lucky. But many other people did not have an ideal home, or even a home at all, when they were little. Thankfully, humans are resilient, and it is still possible for them to overcome that loss with grace.

As we get older, those two components of home no longer become the root definition of home for us. They just don't. At our core, we don't feel a need to be locked into any particular geographic location. And at our core, we don't feel an unquestionable need to be part of a family unit. If we have these things, that's really great, but we don't need these things the way that we did when we were kids.

At the same time, life becomes much more open-ended for us. Our days and lives can be spent on a million, trillion, different possibilities. There are an infinite number of praiseworthy ways to live our lives. We choose.

This open-endedness used to scare me, and still does. Though it shouldn't. It should feel freeing and exciting and miraculous. If I had a better, internal concept of home, then I think I wouldn't feel scared anymore.

So as an adult, where does our primary concept of home come from? We still need it as much as when we were children, but now it has a different definition for us.

I think as adults, our primary definition of home is not defined by being a part of a family unit and living in a particular place. It comes from within ourselves maybe. Being comfortable with ourselves, in our own skin, wherever we are.

And I'm not very good at this. But that's okay.

Monday, May 30, 2016

I feel sad. Because...

I know I'm vulnerable. And I feel like someone is taking advantage of that, or trying to.

I feel mad. Angry. Hurt. Helpless.

As a woman in this world, I often encounter bad men trying to take advantage of me.

This makes me sad and mad. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

I know I should face ugly truths about life.

There's just something about being a woman/female that makes us vulnerable. And I'm not just talking about being physically vulnerable...

It's a mentality. We doubt ourselves. Even in the most ridiculous circumstances to. In fact, it can be that the more we have reason not to doubt ourselves, the more we do. It's our natural predisposition.

Some men in this world are bad. Bad, bad, bad. The bad ones get a kick out of making us feel worthless. They like seeing us SUFFER like this. They want to see how worthless they can make us feel. I hate them.

They try to get as close to us as they can get, when they know it's not wanted. It doesn't just have to be unwanted sexual closeness, which we know as rape or any kind of sexual assault/harassment.

It can also be unwanted emotional closeness. Acting like our boyfriend/husband/love interest, as if we have that emotional bond, when we don't. Just like in forced sexual contact, the forced emotional contact can range in severity. The severity depends on how much the bad man enforces his conduct, and also depends on how objectively unlikely the romantic emotional bond is. For example, all other factors being equal, it is much worse when a much older, married man acts this way toward us, than when a single man close to our age does.

They're trying to take everything away from us, the most important parts of us away from us. Men know how important love and intimacy are to women.

They make us feel worthless.

And once we are in this weakened state, it becomes even harder for us to pick ourselves up and stand up for ourselves and defend ourselves than it was before. Because, as women, we were already prone to doubting ourselves and standing up for ourselves, to begin with. The bad men know all this, and they capitalize on it.

But they don't always win. And they're not going to win, any bad man who tries any of this stuff with me.

I will stand up for myself, in the face of these actions, done to me as a woman. I will fight against them, every time they do this to me, now, and should it ever happen to me again.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

I went with my family to Puerto Vallarta for Christmas last year. Even though I was going through something extremely difficult during that time and that issue was running throughout my mind the whole trip, this was probably the first vacation in my life that I actually enjoyed.

This was because this was the first vacation in my life where I just let go.

I didn't overly concern myself with everything going the way it needed to. I didn't know how minor things were going to go at the airport exactly, and that was okay with me. We had some activities planned in advance, but a lot of the trip was unplanned, and to be figured out later at an uncertain time, sometime while we were in Mexico. I was okay with that. 

I knew that not knowing everything in advance, things weren't going to go perfectly. Things weren't going to run as smoothly as they could. We would probably miss a few good opportunities for things here and there, not having planned and/or booked everything in advance. 

And these things did happen. But I realized that we could still have a good time, despite them. So I let go, and I enjoyed the vacation.

As a result, I was really able to enjoy all the relaxing things around me, in a way that I had never been able to before on vacation.

I enjoyed the view of the ocean from our hotel lobby. I enjoyed the clean and nice decorations in our hotel lobby. I enjoyed the nice amenities in our hotel room, including the ocean view. I enjoyed seeing the more rural sites in the mountains; everything was new and fresh to my eyes. I enjoyed walking along the Malecon, and seeing people so relaxed and having fun. 

All of it made me feel like it truly didn't matter what happened in the next moment, because at that very moment, I was having such a splendid time in life. 

I wasn't just letting go of mishaps happening during this trip, but in life generally, too. 

So, in many ways, it was everything that a vacation should be.

Back in normal, daily life, I don't have these exact feelings anymore. My surroundings aren't as nice. People aren't catering to me; I'm the one catering to people and it can be stressful. I don't enjoy such new, interesting sights and experiences.

Which is too bad, but it's not the end of the world either.

And I look forward to future vacations. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

A few weeks ago I wrote about my insecurity. Insecurity with whether Jesse likes me back. I'm insecure for no reason. I know I shouldn't be. It's just a feeling, based on nothing. It's my flaw. 

I was struggling. I still struggle. I will always struggle. But, I can learn how to manage it so that it doesn't take over my life. Right now, I don't have that. That's humbling to admit.

If I can talk about HOW to manage it, then maybe, that is the first step.

As far as my insecurity with Jesse goes, I don't do the classic girl things of stalking him or bothering him. I'll give myself that, at least. I want to, but I know it wouldn't work.

I'm not exactly numb either. I don't go around thinking that I don't like him. I do.

Basically, I'm just swimming in my negative emotions, all day long. The undercurrents of them are always here, with me. I live in perpetual fear and dread. I think my life is going to end soon. I feel sad and hurt, unloved. I live with my feelings rampant like this, clouding everything in my life. And, I don't want to live like this anymore.

Jesse is aware of my insecurity. He's seen it in action before, and he knows how girls are wired. I'm pretty sure he knows how insecure I feel right now too. I mean...I'm waiting for him, and he knows it. 

Thankfully, he's never made me feel unaccepted for this. I'm sure it's really unattractive though :(.

In order to conquer my insecurity, I have to process my feelings fully. I don't do that. I don't name my feelings. I don't acknowledge them fully. I do a little and I have gotten better at it, but it's not fully.

I think that just by admitting that I have this problem of fully processing my insecure feelings, that's the first step to conquering it.

I anticipate that this will be a pretty constant action for me. I'm a pretty emotional person. And it will probably take me a long time to process my feelings each time. But I guess, this is the way that life works. It's new to me.

If it's conquered, then I will feel like I am a functional person in control of myself and my life. 

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Today is perfect weather for me. Almost as perfect as it gets. The temperature reading says that it's currently 69 degrees. See? Perfect!

And it's sunny out. The sky is blue and sunny and bright.

I can practically envision hearing birds chirping away...

La la la, it's a super nice day.
I'm really bad at making eye contact with people. I wrote an essay about this, and I thought that if I was able to write an essay about it, then that would be able to help me overcome my problem, once and for all. 

Well, maybe it did help. Maybe eye contact is just something that needs to be practiced more, especially for someone like me who never made it to begin with.

I guess I never thought of it that way before...okay.

Do you know what else is embarrassing? I can't look in the mirror and look myself in the eye. I mean...I do see myself in the mirror and my eyes, but...I really can't look at myself very meaningfully. I have this very odd expression on my face when I look at myself. It looks sleepy, or maybe careless, is the best way I can describe it. I don't think I should be looking at myself that way. This never used to occur to me, but sometimes, when we are looking at ourselves in the mirror, if we're not just studying ourselves, we should look at ourselves with love! Like the way we might look at other people.

Well, maybe if I get better at making eye contact with other people, I'll get better at looking myself in the eye too. 

Monday, May 23, 2016

This is so hard for me to write about because it is, no doubt, the hardest thing in my life. I don't wish for ANYONE to go through what I go through. This is the number one, hardest thing in my life. 

As I write this, I want to cry, but no tears come. They are just stuck. But it is sad.

Jesse never feels real to me. Yes, he's a real person. Yes, everything between us is real. 

But he still doesn't FEEL real to me. I go through life feeling like he doesn't really exist in this world, even though he does. I go through life feeling like the love between us doesn't exist, even though I know it's there.

I FEEL this way because maybe, I don't know how to process what Jesse is. To me.

It's such a terrible feeling, and that's an understatement. It's one thing to not know what we're missing--we don't feel much; we can be blissfully unaware. It's another thing to FEEL, very acutely, what we're missing. And the more important/significant it is, the worse it is. It feels like a kind of Hell.

I used to think it wasn't really possible to give a rational reason for why I felt this way about Jesse. A feeling of blankness, when I know that it is not. 

But now I think, that was just my cop-out. There are rational reasons. 

In the past, it was because I couldn't process and handle the truth, of a lot of things between us. The bad things I had done to him. The bad things he had done to me. Looking at Jesse was like looking at all of his, and my, worst flaws. I couldn't face that. 

And now...I think it's because I don't know how....to focus on all the good things between us. There are A LOT. But I just get stuck on all the bad stuff, in my mind. And when I do that...well, that's not reality either. No wonder I can't see him being a real person in life, and in MY life. 

I don't dream about Jesse often, and when I do, they're nightmares. I dream up distorted images of him. They make my heart break. 

I don't want to have nightmares of Jesse. And I want him to feel real to me. 

I think the solution is just as I stated....I need to see ALL of what's between Jesse and me, the bad AND the good. Before, I couldn't face the bad. Now, I can't get past it and see the good, too. 

But maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe this is difficult for ANY girl to do for a guy. To focus on the good, when we're well-aware of all the bad. 

Maybe it's SUPPOSED to be difficult to do. If so, then I have to try, but I can't really complain.

I need for Jesse to start feeling real to me. Because I need to be in tune with reality. It's like oxygen. Being in tune with reality. And right now, I'm not breathing oxygen. Sad, isn't it. 

So I'm going to put forth lots of effort into fixing this problem. Yes, it's a problem. I'm going to be very conscious and deliberate about thinking of the good with Jesse, and not the bad when there isn't any reason to anymore.

I'm just going to do it like a mechanical exercise. Keep going through the good things in my head, over and over again. Even if I'm not feeling it in the moment. 

Then it seems to me, by logic, that I won't have this problem anymore of feeling like he's "not real." 
I have almost nothing in common with my mom. I didn't inherit her genes...for anything. I don't look like her. I don't act like her. I don't have the same interests as her.

I really only get a few things from her...and they are bad things. I inherited neuroses from her. These things can definitely be genetic and inherited. Depression, obsessive behavior, addictive personality, insanity...these are all traits that can definitely be inherited and "run in the family."

From my mom, I inherited two things: anxiety and being negative. She has these traits, and they're also in my grandma as well. Though I have these neuroses, thankfully, they are not in large doses. With some attentiveness to myself, and a little bit of work in controlling myself, they don't have to affect me.

In regards to my anxiety, which I won't write too much about here, it's more like, I tend to get really flustered easily. Specific situations provoke me. I just have a heightened level of worry to situations. I even know I'm being irrationally nervous. 

In regards to my negativity, it's not like I'm a pessimistic person. I don't suffer from pessimism. It's more like...I only focus on the bad things that are going on in my life, and not the good things. It's just a brain switch that doesn't work right. That's how it feels to me. My mind just goes to the negative stuff going on in my life.

I've known about my anxiety for some time, but not really my negativity. I didn't know about my negativity because...I'm just not self-aware, I guess.

Well, overcoming my negativity takes some work on a daily basis, but it is clearly something I should do. It's mostly a matter of humbling myself and admitting that I have this trait, and then consciously focusing on the happy stuff in my life, instead of the bad stuff where my mind naturally wants to go. It feels like work, it is effort, but it's obviously worth it and the right thing to do.

So I'm going to start right now. One of the things I enjoy doing in my life is taking walks. They are solo walks, and I take them out in nature. I take these one-hour walks, around my house, usually in the evening, at a time of the day when it's not too hot outside. I live in a really nice area, and there's plenty of nature and hills in the neighborhood around my house. I often see lots of other walkers and bicyclists on my route. 

I don't pay particular attention to it, but I enjoy being in nature and the natural foliage of my neighborhood. It's just really pretty. The trees, the leaves, the grass, everything. It's so natural. I enjoy the nice air. It doesn't feel like city air; it feels like country air, almost--a bit cleaner. I enjoy looking at all the houses on my route. They are all interesting to me. From the newest houses being constructed, to the decades-old houses. From the biggest, opulent mansions, to humble abodes. No two houses are remotely alike, yet they're all located in this wonderful scenery.

I take these walks about once or twice a week. They're nice.   

Sunday, May 22, 2016

On Sunday nights, or starting sometime on Sunday, for almost as long as I've been working at my current company, I will start to get extremely anxious for the coming work week. I don't think I can blame it on this job specifically, because this is the first "real" job that I've found, in terms of making it entirely on my own here and sticking to it. So I might have had this problem with any other job as well. 

This has bothered me for a long time. I think about it during the week. I dread Sundays, because I dread the ensuing anxiety that I know will come. The worst part is, I really don't know why I have it. 

On Mondays, because of all the anxiety I've felt from the night before, my mind is almost always very cloudy and I'm tired. It takes me a full day to recover from all that. No one likes Monday anyway, but my anxiety on Sunday is just not normal. 

Well, this is pretty embarrassing to go through, but I'm going to try to play therapist on myself here. I think I just need to go through a mental visualization exercise of what a pleasant work week would look like for me. I don't need to be having a blast at work, but it can still be okay. That's a newsflash for me. 

I'm not going to love being around or even just merely seeing some (many) of my coworkers, but it's not going to make me feel super emotional or anything. It's not that bad. 

I'm not going to feel feelings of happiness when I see my boss or upper management (let's face it's, this company has problems with the way it's run....but then again, don't most companies)...so that's normal. What do I expect? Feeling like I've met the princess of Disneyworld?

I'm going to feel kind of like a loser for what I do at work....I've written about this before, but I'm always going to feel somewhat ashamed of what I do. "I'm just a receptionist. It's not good." Yes, I can have these feelings...but so do a lot of people with their jobs, no matter what they do. It's rare that people feel like they're totally awesome and impressive at work. That's why it's called "work." It's not trophy-time for ourselves. 

It's really boring. I just stare out the window and wait for my day at work to end. THEN I can go home and feel free, like my time and life is my own. Well, yes, that's work. Everyone goes through it. It sucks, but life could be a lot worse. 

Even though I get a one hour break for lunch, it's not even that great. "I am still at work, it's just the middle of my workday. I still do have to return. I feel a little more freedom, but ultimately, I still feel like I'm at work. Which I am. I'm just on my lunch break, that's all." Those are the unpleasant thoughts I think to myself....but guess what, that's life. Life could be worse. 

I hate (should I use that word?) my morning and evening commute. "All those cars. The slow-moving traffic. It just adds to my stress. What a sucky way to begin and end each workday." Yes, and that's life. Life could be a lot worse. 

I think my point (to myself) is that I just need to shift my perspective a bit. Maybe this is a product of me being spoiled, with unrealistic expectations. I'm sure that contributed to it. But I think I also wanted/needed work to fill up some void in my life that it's not really supposed to fill up, not to such a huge extent anyway. A void of happiness, and self-worth. 

At the same time, just because I submit myself to these realities of work, doesn't mean that I need to deaden myself to life, and just accept life for being half-good, at best. I can still have a heart and truly care about things, passionately. I just need to be honest with myself about how I don't like work...but life can still be okay, good. I just need to be more open-minded about how life should be. And to acknowledge, fully feel out and process, all my feelings of dread about work.
I don't sleep well at night. But this is nothing new. I've been this way my whole life. I don't have a physical deficiency. It's all mental. 

I remember when I was very little, I was afraid to go to sleep at night. It's one of my earlier memories, and definitely my first memory of going to sleep at night. I don't know how old I was. Maybe around 5 or 6. I went through this phase. I was just scared and wanted to sleep with my parents. I used to go into their room, but my mom got really angry/irritated with me for disrupting their sleep, so I went back to my room. 

Was I scared of monsters under my bed? Was I just scared of the dark? Was I scared of the bogeyman? Yes and yes. 

It's not really a rational fear. It's just something about the dark. When it comes, we feel our hair rising and an imminent threat of some kind. 

It's really the fear of the unknown. Our mind plays tricks with us. 

Over the years, I didn't sleep well for various other reasons. There were the normal reasons, such as being stressed for a big test the next day, or just generally stressed with life and feeling like I had to do too much, there was too much on my shoulders. I didn't sleep well because I became scared of not sleeping well and insomnia, which was just a bad cycle. I didn't sleep well because I felt unhappy and lonely. All of those reasons. 

Those other reasons for not sleeping well at night, I think I've managed to conquer. Well, they come and go. But it's like that for everyone. 

But my fear of the unknown. That stays with me. It shouldn't. 

It's not just because of the dark, though that has something to do with it. We can't see in the dark. But I think it's also because, when we sleep (or when we sleep well) we're giving up control of our minds. Our brain is working, but not in a way we have control over.

I think that in a healthy individual, the unknown shouldn't scare us. It should make us feel excited and free. We think of possibilities. 

How to reverse my mindset? I want to sleep well at night. Maybe just by embracing more of the unknown in my daily life, my problem will start to go away. 

Saturday, May 21, 2016

I don't anticipate doing much this weekend. As I'm writing this my Friday night is already half over, so I'll just write about Saturday and Sunday.

Saturday morning, I'm going to sleep in. I like to do this until about noon. It's a lot of time in bed. I don't go to sleep particularly late the night before, around midnight usually. The reason I spend so much time in bed is because I am exhausted from processing everything I do during the week at work, mostly relating to my personal issues. It takes a physical toll on me. I need to recuperate physically by sleeping a lot. I also just spend this time in bed processing more things that I can't at work, a lot of it is sexual. I like to spend both weekend mornings like this. But sometimes, if I'm feeling less drained and/or for the sake of an activity, I'll get up earlier on a weekend morning.

This Saturday is one of those days. I'm going to get up slightly earlier than this time to go to a beg/int jazz class at a dance studio I sometimes go to. I've never been to this particular jazz class, and I'm cautiously excited about it. I hope it's what I think it could be, because I have a feeling I could really enjoy jazz, but I have yet to experience that fully in a class yet. We'll see!

After that, I don't have any more plans for my weekend. Which is the way I like it.

I'll eat a leisurely lunch. I might go out to eat dinner with my family at a local restaurant. Either way, I'll enjoy a low-key dinner.

With the rest of my time, I'll lounge around the house and enjoy the moment, literally doing nothing, but which is so enjoyable. I'll probably spend some more time processing some things as they come up. I'll take a one hour walk around my house for exercise. I'll spend some time doing little errands or chores, but not a lot of time - I don't have that many to do.

And that's basically it!

Friday, May 20, 2016

I'm going to write about something that I'm really weird about. It's just one of my issues and deep insecurities from...forever. So I'm weird about it.

I have a really hard time trying to create a social life for myself. There. I said it. I've always had this problem. I don't remember a time when I didn't have this problem. I don't remember a time when I felt connected to people and peaceful about that. I don't know what that feels like, basically. I feel like I'm an alien.

I know I've written about friendships and relationships in here, and how I have belonged to groups and communities, and written about that in some positive ways. It's all true. But because my problem is so deep-rooted, because I come from a place of such social loneliness, it takes more than that for me to feel like I have adequately overcome my problem and feel at peace with my social life.

My problem becomes even more difficult to tackle now, being 33 years old and female and single. I just don't fit into a life stage that most people are in. It's harder to fit in socially. 

But here's the thing. I may not have a social life that is conventional (well, I can't, because I'm not in a conventional life stage), but that doesn't mean I still can't carve one out that makes sense for me and fulfills me. We make up our own rules in life; that's the beauty of being unique and ourselves. So it's not impossible for me to feel adequately fulfilled socially, and I challenge anyone who complains about not being able to have an adequate social life because they're in an unconventional life stage. If I can do it, so can anyone else.

So I'm going to attempt to describe to you, exactly what my social life is like right now. The good and the bad. In being so transparent about myself and one of my biggest problems in my life, the first time I've ever done this in fact, maybe I'll finally find my peace.

This seems actually kind of odd to do; I don't feel like it's normal for people to talk so in-depth about their social lives as I'm about to. Is it because it's intensely personal? Or because I haven't been around enough conversations? Or because it's not a particularly interesting topic? I don't know. Maybe it's some combination of all three.

Anyway, moving on. Here it is.

I've been going to church on Sundays for the last several months, but not every week. I go sporadically. The people at church are multi-generational, everything from kids to really old adults. There's some decent social interaction between the different generations, which I think is commendable in our society today. I haven't found anyone here in the same life stage as me. I talk to mostly older adults with kids, in their 40's, who are pretty conversational. Sometimes I have a lot to say to them; sometimes I don't. I also talk a very little, to some young adults, in their 20's, younger than me and some of them married. I probably have more in common with this group, but something in me feels like I'm a little older and don't really belong either.

This is a new community for me. I haven't been going very long, and as I mentioned, I don't go every week. I'm also going into a community that is pretty well-established; a lot of people do go every week and have been going for a long time, and I think that's kind of the expectation here. I'm definitely an oddball in many ways.

Part of me doesn't like being an oddball in so many ways. Part of me likes it a lot. I feel like I go here not because I'm expected to and because I objectively fit in; then the only reason left for me to go is based purely on the quality of the social interaction here. Socially, I'm not looking for any life-changing, deep, extremely meaningful relationships with individuals here (though if that happens, that's great too). Socially, I'm going simply to feel like I'm part of a whole group of people. And I get that here, because the group is pretty diverse age-wise (so I don't feel so weird about being the only one in my particular life stage), it's a pretty social atmosphere, and the people in it are open to talking to people who are different from themselves. And hopefully, I'm giving back to the group as well by making it a stronger community socially, just by being part of it. It's a two-way thing.

One of the reasons I deliberately choose not to go every week is because I don't want to it to take up such a huge part of my life, socially. This is not because I don't like this community; this is because I feel like my social life needs more variety in it, in order for it to feel vibrant to me. As I mentioned above, I'm not looking for this community to fulfill my deepest needs for meaningful friendships or anything even close to that; I don't think it can because I am so different from all the individuals here. So this church community serves a very important social need in my life, and it serves it well, but the way that I see it, it's pretty limited to just one aspect of it.

I also go to a young adult fellowship on Thursdays, from a different church. I've only been twice this year, but I used to go very often, several years ago. 

This is also a pretty diverse group of individuals age-wise, within the young adult age range. I'm definitely on the upper end of it, but not so much that I feel odd about my age. It also helps that, similar to my Sunday church community, this group of people is generally very open to talking to people different from themselves.

This group fulfills my social need to feel like I fit in with a group of people, but this time, closer to my own age. 

The reason I go so little is because while I do have this social need in my life that definitely needs to be filled, it isn't one that I necessarily need a lot of. Being in my thirties, maybe I'm just old now, but I don't feel this great need to always be hanging out with the same group of people my own age. Not the way I used to feel, when I was in my early twenties or high school. Maybe it's just a natural part of getting older; this social priority shifts and other life priorities become more important.

I also hang out with some of my extended family, my cousins, in the bay area. But actually, it's not very much. We span a great age range, and as a group, we get along okay, but individually, none of us are really that close to each other. But still, we are a group, they are my family, and they ground me in some way.

I am also close to my sister, though I wouldn't necessarily categorize that as a social relationship, but more of a sister/family relationship. Still, we are friends, and we are close.

I am also friends with a married couple with kids in the bay area. They're pretty social, and we vary in how much we interact with each other. I go through phases when I talk to them more, and then less. I get meals with them every few months or so, sometimes I text them a lot, and they have group get-togethers every once in awhile (maybe every few months or so) that I go to. Even though I don't talk to them or hang out with them often, I consider them close friends.

I also just befriended a new girl, which I wrote about last week. We got coffee, and I see her as the type of friend I could enjoy spending individual time with. She's married without kids. I see her as someone I could meet up with, every once in awhile, just to get a meal or go shopping together. 

I also have old friends from high school that I keep in touch with. Well, just one, really. She was my best friend in high school and college, and we catch up over the phone with updates in our lives once every three months. Her life is very different from mine though, so I feel like it's hard for us to relate to each other, but we'll always have that bond.

And that's really my social life. As you can see, it's not very much. In addition to what I have, I do wish that I could find a group of people in my exact, same life stage, that I relate well with. And I do wish that I had close friends in the same life stage as me. I think that would round everything out for me, socially. Unfortunately, I don't have that. But life isn't perfect. Things can still be good, though not perfect. Maybe that's just the lesson I need to learn here.  
I feel the need to be a little more forthright. A few posts ago, I mentioned how I have some goals for the near future. But I didn't go into detail. How can I ever accomplish them, if I can't even admit them and talk about them. So I will share.

I told Jesse that I would move for him, if we started a relationship. He's in Taiwan. I'm in California, Silicon Valley, where I grew up and have lived basically my whole life, and everyone I know is here.

If I start something with Jesse and move to Taiwan, then I will want to leave everything important to me here, on a good note. It's really, really important to me that I end this chapter of my life well.

I want to have a good, stable relationship with all of my immediate family members. My mom, dad, and sister.

I want to have peaceful and meaningful relationships with my extended family members, the degree of that depending on who that person is.

I want to be on good terms with my other friends in the bay area.

I want to enjoy being part of the communities/groups that I have been involving myself in this past year: my church community on Sundays and young adult fellowship on Thursday. These communities are not very established for me, but I want to leave feeling like I enjoyed them and felt integrated.

I want to leave my job on a good note. I want to feel at peace with my relationship with all my coworkers, feel like I did my job adequately, not get assigned too many new tasks, and enjoy my job.

All of these things I would probably be working on regardless of whether I move away or not, but it becomes that much more important to me when I anticipate moving away.

I feel/think I can accomplish these goals, or that I have a good chance of accomplishing them. I just have to remind myself that these are subjective goals and not to be too rigid about expecting perfection here. I hate my tendency to be so rigid about everything. It is my Achilles' heel. 

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Well, I said I was going to talk about sex more and be more open about that, so I'm following through. It's not just because I can hide behind the "anonymity" of a blog either. I consider all of you my real friends.

Here are the reasons why I like to masturbate. Maybe this is all really obvious stuff, or maybe it isn't. I don't know. When it comes to this topic, nothing is "normal." In no particular order:

I love the physical sensation of it. I don't just like it, I love it. I'm human. I'm an animal. Physical things affect me deeply. Like eating and sleeping. So does sexual activity.

It feels good to be bad. Most of the time in life, it feels terrible to be bad. Like being mean or lying or stealing. I do have a conscience, and doing these things makes me feel twisted. But with masturbating, strangely enough, the more honest with myself I am about how bad it is...the better it feels. Shrug.

I get to tap into my emotions of romantic love (and the ensuing sadness). It doesn't get more thrilling than that. I don't have to watch a movie, read a book, or listen to music. It's better than that, usually. The sadness emotion I don't "love" feeling...but it makes me feel alive and honest, and there's something to be said for that too.

The release. Well, this is a work in progress for me. But as humans, we get some sort of strange pleasure out of building up tension, and then letting it all go. It's more satisfying than if it had been calm, still waters all along.  

So, those are my reasons. I love masturbating.
I plan on going to the young adult fellowship at church tonight. This isn't a church I go to on Sundays, though I used to, years ago. I used to go to this young adult fellowship on Thursday nights too back then, and I went almost every week, for a few years. I enjoyed it, but then I stopped going when life took me in a different direction.

I'm not sure why I go. Well, I've only been once this year, but it felt like I was still part of the group, somewhat, even though it's been years for me.

I guess the main reason I go is to belong to a community or group of people, to be part of it. I enjoy it. I have to put myself out there. To give, not take. Just like I do in this blog. That's the only way we truly feel integrated. 

It doesn't mean we spill all our guts to people without abandon, beyond what they can comprehend, handle, or have energy for. 

We have to first be truthful with ourselves with who we are, and from there we can spread our truth to other people in the appropriate doses.

I'm not an expert, but I think this is one of the secrets to good relationships. 

With that said, I do put a lot of myself out there, as you can tell from my blog, more than the typical person does. Even more than the typical, pretty open person does. I mean, I wrote a memoir that was intensely personal.

We just have to find the level that feel right for us. Just like we all have different levels of kindness in our hearts for people or different levels of a good work ethic, we all have different levels of how transparent we like to be. Being transparent is good, but it's not the only way to be good.  

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

The day's not really over yet, but in terms of the work day, it's almost over. 

Today I felt really...stretched. I tried working through so many of my personal demons, internally.

Demons that I've been writing about in here. Trying to let my feelings out, especially when it comes to people. Even when it comes to this blog. Trying to get my insecurity under control. Trying not to be too rigid about how things should go, having opinions/thoughts but also being able to go with the flow and be open. Trying to focus on the good things that have happened in my relationship with Jesse, instead of all the bad things. I realized that I have a tendency to overly focus on negative things in general, so that's just another thing I have to work on. I also realized that I just tend to focus on the bad things A LOT when it comes to men, because, well, I'm just like that. I have a princess mentality sometimes.

I'm not trying to put myself through boot camp here and be the perfect person or anything. But I just have a lot of issues to work on. What can I say.

I hope it gets better for me soon. 
In my life, I've swung between two extremes in terms of making plans for my life, and none of these methods have worked for me.

My first approach was that I was very extreme and rigid about making plans for my life. Part of this was being young and easily influenced by my environment, which encouraged me to make these plans, but part of it came from myself too. I willingly chose to make plans for my life and stick to them.

In high school, my plan was to get into college, an extremely good one. I had to get very good grades. And be involved in a lot of good extracurricular activities.

When I was in college, my plan was to get good grades and get into the major that I thought I was supposed to be in, a very difficult one, based on what everyone told me. When that didn't work out, then I stopped making plans for my life, for a bit.

After college, my plan was to get into law school, a very good one. I had to do well on the lsat, write a good essay, get good recommendations, and have some extracurricular activities.

In law school, I had a breakdown of sorts. It wasn't just because of law school. It was because of everything; the way I had been living my whole life.

Anyway, this approach didn't work for me. I mapped out my next steps, so specifically. Yes, this approach usually got me results, but at the expense of really caring about what I was doing anymore. I put so much energy into executing and achieving my plans, that I didn't have adequate energy to focus on why I cared about them to begin with. Maybe that's why I spent so much energy on executing my plans; it stopped me from having to really evaluate things and be honest.

I think a much better plan, or approach to life for me back then, would have been, to have a more general goal of being independent in life, doing something I could tolerably enjoy. That would still have been a goal I could have put energy into and worked on, and gotten good results with. I didn't have to be so specific about what I needed to do with my life next.

After law school, I swung to the other extreme. I had a plan and goals, but it was very fuzzy. My plan for my life was some nebulous concept of being married/having good relationships with people in my life/liking myself/being independent/being kind/being happy.

Now, I was really getting to the root of what was important to me in life, but my plan was so hazy, I didn't have any specific or concrete steps of how I was going to accomplish this. My execution consisted of listening to and following my instincts on things, as they came up. I didn't know what I had to do ahead of the time, for anything. The result was that I actually cared about things now and had a heart, but I made very little progress on my goal(s).

So, I'm 33 years old. I don't know if that's old or not, depends who you ask. But I feel like I have...not necessarily lived through a lot of experiences...but...I have been through a lot. Maybe I have a little bit of wisdom.

I've learned that the only way to get through life--successfully, in heart--is to be somewhere in between these two extremes. Which isn't easy. That's an understatement, but I don't want to go on and on about how tough life is. This is how I think it is best for anyone to approach life.

I have goals and plans for how I want to end and/or leave certain things in my life, when something with Jesse starts. Starting something with Jesse will change a lot of things in my life. Changes which need some preparation, starting now.

I have longer-term goals for what I want my life to be like in a few to five years, but there's also quite a bit of fuzziness there too.

So, my goals and plans for my life aren't as specific and rigid as they used to be. Nor are they so undefined that I hardly think about the future in concrete terms.

It's hard operating this way, because this is when I am fully invested in, really caring, about things. I have goals that really do have deep meaning to me. And as I'm taking steps towards achieving them, I'm becoming more and more invested in them. All of this requires bravery/love, having confidence in my judgment and abilities, and letting go/being humble to life.

Some people say we shouldn't hold onto things in life too tightly, our goals, and care about them too much. I disagree with them. I think we should care about all our goals, passionately. We have to be alive in our hearts; otherwise we're just people using up the oxygen source on earth. BUT, we should also be totally okay with whatever happens in life too. These two mindsets are not mutually exclusive.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Okay, this is new for me, but I'd like to be more open about sex. This isn't something I discussed with people, at all, ever, growing up. Today, some people I encounter talk about it openly, some not at all, and some, somewhere in between. But for me, I'd like to change the way I operate and start talking about it more. Why not?

I'll just start off by saying that I can't wait to have sex when I get married. I don't believe in sex until after marriage, but that doesn't mean I haven't made mistakes. Anyway, I just really want to have sex, but that has to wait for now, unfortunately.

And when I have sex, I definitely want it to be kinky, some of the time. I don't think I'd be boring when it comes to sex. I'd be okay with a lot of stuff, as long as it isn't criminal-like behavior.

Which is a natural segway into my next topic, masturbating. Do I think masturbating is wrong? Yes and no. There's no short answer to this question. Does that mean we shouldn't do it? No. I think we should.

But I don't think we should masturbate without all our emotions, just like we shouldn't have sex without emotions (pleasant and unpleasant ones). Love and sex and everything, it's all tied together. When we take love totally out of the picture, that's when things get messed up. Plus, when we include all our emotions in sex and masturbating, that's when it really gets exciting. 

I don't speak for guys. It's pretty common knowledge that guys are different from girls because they can naturally separate out love from sex. But guys can still have sex and love together too, and when they do, I assume that it's more pleasurable for them as well. 

So, I do masturbate, but for me, it has to be an emotional as well as a physical experience. Both, in equal quantities. I'm still trying to get myself to feel okay about what I do and to bring my emotions into it. 

Monday, May 16, 2016

I have a lot of free time. 

I used to be ashamed of having a lot of free time. To me, that just meant that someone was a loser. That person clearly didn't have much going on in his or her life.

Obviously, there was something wrong with my attitude. It's not good to be a bum, but the amount of free time that we have, does not correlate with being a bum.

Aside from extreme circumstances, I think it's important and praiseworthy to carve out free time for ourselves. And I don't just mean carving out some, or a little, free time, for ourselves. I mean, a lot. The more, the better. I'm of the mindset that if there are too many important things to be tackled at the expense of our free time, then cut some of our tasks out. We'll still find a way to live without having done those extra tasks.

If we believe that we're important, then we'll believe that we deserve free time too. We deserve our own time, as much as anyone else or anything else does.

Living in Silicon Valley, I often feel really alone in my mindset above, though I sincerely believe it's a good mindset. I feel like most people here, or many of the people I know anyway, have the attitude towards free time that I used to have. I feel alone in my mindset now, and I feel like people look down on me. 

Anyway, the way that I most often spend my free time is, I literally don't do anything. I like to just sit somewhere comfortable, and enjoy my surroundings. I enjoy the fresh air around me. I enjoy the blue sky and the nice weather. I enjoy watching the interesting or happy, laughing people around me. 

Or, if those things aren't in my surroundings...then...I just sit and enjoy...whatever it is, there is to be enjoyed in my environment. That I get to sit or be comfortable, at all. There's always that.

There are other things I do with my free time, of course, other enjoyable things, but I really enjoy spending my free time this way. It's not doing. It's just feeling. And it feels good.  

Friday, May 13, 2016

Hi, friends. You are my friends because what I'm going to share with you is very personal. Yes, it seems like all I do is share my very personal stuff on here. How can it get more personal? But it can.

Okay, friends. Today I'm going to talk about my feelings.

My feelings are messed up. This makes me sad :(

They're not messed up because I can't control them. They're messed up because I don't know how to let them out.

When I was younger, I think people assumed that I just didn't have a lot of feelings. There are people in the world like that; we all fall on the feeling spectrum somewhere. But really, that wasn't me. I am someone who feels a lot of things; I was just busy repressing all my feelings, and very good at this.

Then, one day, (well, it didn't happen easily or anything, but I'm just going to skim through this part here), I realized that this was not a good way to live. I wanted my feelings to come out. I wanted to be me, and free. Even if it was hard and painful.

This is not an easy process, not when we've been repressing our feelings for as long as I had, and for as strongly as I had. I was in a really, really bad state. When I was in my late twenties, someone was talking to me about emotions, and I didn't have a very clear concept of what that was (emotions). I knew then that something was wrong with me; it felt like I should have had a better understanding of these things. But even then, I didn't understand how bad I was.

So, now, years later, people would not agree with what I'm saying about myself here. They do see me express my emotions now, a lot of them and strongly. 

But what they don't know, is that the greatest emotion I'm supposed to feel (when it's there), I still can't feel. 

That's romantic love for someone.

If I can't feel my greatest emotion (when it's there), then I still feel, and am, trapped in my emotional numbness. And all of the other emotions that I am able to feel now, I actually don't really feel fully either. 

So I live in this very odd, tortured world. Where I know that I have these strong emotions inside of me, but I still can't let them out. I feel suffocated, trapped, not free.

I have to try feeling romantic love now. Because it's there in my life, for me to feel. 

Yes, it's a risk to. It's scary. Uncomfortable. That's really an understatement. But if we want to live, we have to take this risk.

And then I know, I'll finally be free.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Around September last year, I started writing a memoir of my life. I told my sister at one point, and she was a bit incredulous. She didn't think I could have anything to write a whole book about, at my age. I knew she was wrong, because people didn't know the real me. No one did, not even my family, who thought they all knew me. 

My memoir is about how I went from being a very mean person to being a very good person. For most of my life, I was very mean. At some point, I changed, and I grew up. It was very hard.

My memoir was incredibly hard for me to write. As I was writing it, that was part of the whole process of me growing up. Writing helped me process the person I used to be and how I had changed.

I put my heart and soul into my book. It took me more than half a year to write, which I don't know if that is a lot or not, but definitely for that whole time, my whole being was invested in my book. Every sentence, maybe even word, of my book, took blood, sweat, and tears to churn out. It was very difficult because it's so real and honest.

Now, it's finally finished. I actually didn't know if I would ever be able to finish it, if I had the strength to write about everything that I needed to; it seemed like an impossible goal. But I did finish it. 

My memoir is around 65,000 words long. I don't know anything about publishing, but from what I've read online, that is about the minimum acceptable word length for a publishable memoir. I think my memoir is worthy of being published. It meets the word length requirement, it's interesting, and it's well-written.

It means a lot for me to get my memoir published. I don't want the fame or money. I mean, that's always nice (I don't know about fame), but anyway, it's really not about that. 

Partly, it's because I know it's a good book, and it deserves to be published, so it's a little bit for my self-pride and achievement, but in a good way.

But mostly, it's because, I want to share who I am, with the world. This blog does some of that, talking to friends and people does some of that, but people won't really know all my backstory, without reading my memoir. My memoir explains everything. 

I'm not a narcissist who just wants everyone to listen to me and hear about me. I want to do this because I want to be open about myself and share who I am, with the world. This is important to me; I feel like it's one of the reasons I was put on earth. So people can know me. So we can know each other.

So, this is something I really care about--getting my memoir published--and to be honest, I'm more than afraid.

I know it's going to be really hard to get it published. This is an uphill battle. I don't know anything about publishing, and the market for memoirs is, I'm sure, really, really difficult.

When something is really important to me, and scary, I have a tendency to manage it in a really bad way. I manage it by being really strict about what needs to happen as I'm pursuing my goal. If it doesn't go according to my plan, then I simply keep doggedly chipping away at it, at the same thing that's not working. Most of the time, this means I don't end up accomplishing my goal, not really. But I act this way because it gives me some psychological peace in that at least, I have a very strict plan to follow.

I also tend to put off important, but scary, things to me, for a future date, that never actually ever comes around. 

I have all of these bad tendencies. It means I never get anywhere in life.

So I can't do that anymore here.  

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

I feel very self-conscious about discussing this. It's not a flattering thing about myself, what I'm going to write, so that's understandable. But I'm really insecure and weird about this. I'm really weird about this. 

I have to take a deep breath before I start.

In my life, I haven't really made a single, new friend since I was in 4th grade. As in, met someone I liked for one reason or another, and decided to befriend her because I think we would have fun together. That hasn't happened since I was in 4th grade.

I've had other friendships in my life since then, but not the kind I just described above. They were usually friendships that happened because I was in the same community or groups as them, and I had known them for awhile. I didn't hang out with these friends individually either, not much. If I did, it was often more of a mentor-mentee type relationship, where the other person (my friend) was trying to help me, in some way. It wasn't the kind of friendship where we hung out with each other individually to have fun with each other.

I wanted to have this other kind of friendship in my life, but I lost my way and didn't know how to build this kind of relationship in my life.

About a month ago, I met this girl at a BBQ I was at. She seemed fun and interesting and nice. I decided to reach out to her, and today we're getting coffee/drinks after work.

It's hard putting myself out on the line, but this doesn't feel impossible anymore. I wonder if we will have fun and have fun things to talk about; I used to be very depressed and dead inside so I didn't know how to have fun. It's also scary opening up about myself to someone, but I think I can manage that now.

I also have no idea what kind of friendship it will turn out to be, ahead of time; nothing's been established. I'm totally open to whatever happens, as long as it feels natural. I feel free.

Even if I didn't act on it because I knew I would be met with great disapproval, I used to be an extremely clingy friend. I used to want friends to want to hang out with me all the time, and share a lot of things with me. I wanted us to be best buddies. I didn't express this outright, but this was always my secret wish. I think I was just looking for validation, and also trying to use them to fill up a void in my life that they really couldn't fill up and wasn't their's to fill up anyway.

Well, I'm not approaching my new friend today with this attitude anymore. I don't have unreasonable, somewhat perverted, expectations.  I'm willing to open up, but there's also a place at which it has to stop. This isn't meant to be that kind of relationship in my life, where it becomes everything.