Saturday, December 31, 2016

2016 is over. I've never done an end of year roundup before. I'm not sure where to start. But I feel this is necessary because...this is my life, and part of experiencing it is going back and reflecting and remembering things. Good or bad. 

This year, I...

Confronted a coworker I never liked and reported him for swearing at me. It was one of those situations where I knew I was right, but he still had supporters. I took the chance of getting myself into trouble for reporting him, which I did, a little. I feel sad, happy, angry, proud. 

Walked in the SF Chinese New Year parade, shortly after Jesse left for Taiwan and left me in a mess. I knew I had to do something for myself, even though I was a mess. Especially because I was a mess. I feel happy, proud, sad.

Processed more of what had happened between me and Jesse. How it was, and is, between us. I felt a lot of sadness, pain, grief. And now I many things. It's too difficult to spell it all out. I feel like a rainbow - a complicated one. 

Opened myself up to the world. With this blog. Going to a church community every so often. Talking to new people and initiating it. Telling my family members when they did things that bothered me. I finally had enough awareness of myself and courage to do this. I feel fear, sad, pain, happy. 

And so much more of course. I can't touch on everything about this year. I don't even know why I chose to write about these specific events, among everything. Yes, these were very important things to me from this year, but so were a lot of other things about this year that I didn't just write about. Sometimes there isn't a reason for things, or at least, one I need to know of.

In summary, 2016 is over. I look back on this year with mixed emotions. For the very reason that I am able to do this...feel things...I feel pretty good about my year.

Friday, December 30, 2016

Back from vacation!

I like this picture. This is totally me.

View of the resort's pool and grounds. This is my peace.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

I'm sitting in the airport waiting for our flight. It's going to be a long trip back home since we booked our tickets late and have a transfer. 

Overall, I'm pretty happy I went on vacation and had a pretty good time! 

I'm happy to be going home too.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

I am back in paradise. The tiff with my mom calmed down. I feel like I live in a different world. A world where I don't have to lift a finger for anything. Drinks are plentiful and free. People are happy to see me for no reason and happy to do anything for me. The biggest decision of the moment is whether to take a nap or to read a book while I lay by the pool. I think I'll people watch for awhile.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

I refuse to talk to my mom any longer on this trip and maybe afterwards in general too. I just don't want to interact or be around someone who is deeply unhappy whenever she sees me, because I'm not the kind of person she likes. If I was a really business-oriented person and extroverted, then she would like me. I have to be around her, but that doesn't mean I have to talk to her. Just for breathing and being me...I'm like, punished. The worst thing is, I'm punished for things that aren't even negative personality traits of me. They're just my personality traits. 

It's a shame that I'm in paradise. I wish someone else was here in place of me to experience this glorious place, because I'm not. 

Anyway, I refuse to any longer have a relationship with my mom where we talk for fun or hang out for fun. This is better than me yelling at her, or being in a dead depression, or losing myself because I can't be myself. This is the best I can do with the hand I've been dealt.

Monday, December 26, 2016

This is the life!!!!!!!

We spent the last 2 days in San Jose, the capital of Costa Rica. Family friends showed us around. We saw a church, volcano, the rainforest, waterfalls, and lots of animals. We stayed at a very comfortable hotel. I petted dogs. 

Today we traveled 5 hours by private bus to our resort, the Westin in Guanacaste. I cannot wait to sit by the pool and read a book. It's tropical, private, luxurious, and peaceful here. 


But of course, my life is really sucky too. I had a blow up with my mom at dinner, same underlying issues. I predicted something like this would happen on vacation. Well, at least now I'm speaking out about the things she does to me that I'm not okay with. And that gives me peace.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Merry Christmas from Costa Rica! 

Today I feel like a lucky person, in general. Hope everyone is feeling this way today as well!

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Where are you Christmas? 
Why can't I find you...

Oh, I feel you Christmas 

I know I've found you 

That's from a Faith Hill song. I like it. I remember listening to this song over and over again in December of either my freshman or sophomore year in college. I was living in the dorms. I was so depressed that holiday season and this song just...spoke to my depression. I couldn't find Christmas. 

So this song started just popping up in my head this holiday season. This year. A few days ago. Where are you Christmas? 

At the end of the day...

Christmas isn't about glitter and bright lights and pretty things

Christmas isn't about wonderful feelings 
Christmas obviously isn't about the presents or nice trips or swanky parties 
It's not even about being a nicer person in general and doing more acts of kindness than normal 

These things don't really do it for me. 

Christmas is about doing THE greatest act of love and sacrifice that you could be doing, currently. What's THE hardest thing for you to do for someone (or people) right now? Be honest. And can you do it? 

THAT'S where Christmas is at. That's when I know I've found it.

Where are you Christmas?

I know I've found you...

Friday, December 23, 2016

Packing for Costa Rica today! In another life, I would have been stressed by the packing and traveling. Wanting to make sure that I didn't forget anything, had packed the best items, had tied up all loose ends and remembered details. Today I think I'll just go with the flow. I'd rather do other things today and enjoy today even if it means dealing with a suboptimal packing job later.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

I have totally checked out of work (it's Christmas, vacation starts tomorrow). Yet my body is still here. Strange phenomenon. Okay, I have to ground myself. My head is elsewhere. Let's see. 

Well, I guess I'll just power through today and think about treating myself later by drinking a hopefully very lovely cup of hot chocolate. 

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Nearing the home stretch for Christmas!

Today I thought I'd get (a little) deeper and think about the meaning behind Christmas.

It's about celebrating the birth of Jesus - LOVE!

I don't know why, but John 3:16 just comes to my mind.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Sacrifice, love, life, humbleness, forgiveness...

It's so big. I cannot grasp it all. I know I never will. But if I can grasp just a tiny piece of it, that's enough for me.

I just think about how God, the greatest, mightiest, most powerful...

Became a little human baby, born in the most unassuming environment.

So humble.

Such a significant event.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Things I'm looking forward to today:

Getting out of the office and doing Costco shopping for the office.

Snuggling up in my bed. I have a comfortable one.

No traffic in general. Less chaos. I almost love driving to work this time of the year.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Well I can't say I'm in a great mood today after this is a new day. It helps.

My main goal today is to get through the day with a somewhat genuine smile on my face.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Yesterday I got in a bad fight with my mom. But I wouldn't call it a fight. It was me exploding and being in a ton of pain. I was in so much pain. I actually thought about killing myself because of the pain (just a thought, not something I would carry through). 

Basically I screamed "F- you" to my mom about I don't know, maybe 10 times in a row. Just that. As loud as I could. I was wild. It was primal. And a "I'm going to kill myself" somewhere in there.

Then I slammed the door and went outside and sobbed for a long time by myself. Then I came back in and kept sobbing by myself. I wanted to be left alone. It was me and my pain. 

If you want some backstory about where the greatest source of my pain with my mom lies, read this. She used to take her anger out on me. It was abuse and's a big part of me. 

So what triggered my "meltdown" (actually, I felt wild. It was more than a meltdown), was realizing that she still takes her anger out on me. Just like she did when I was a kid. She doesn't do it often or as intensely, but she still does this. She doesn't realize how this is wrong. 

Also, she said some mean things about me and...this is something she just does to me. They're very cutting words. 

I can't change my mom. And this post is not about that, how I wish she was different. I leaned a long time ago that I can't demand people to change. 

But it's about, how for the first time in my life, I can stand up to my mom and rationally say (aside from my explosion):

This is what you currently do to me. It's not okay. 

I don't know how she'll take it. I can't control that. But I can control myself. I have to say this. For me.
(This post was actually written yesterday, before my explosion. See my next post).

Change of plans. I'm going to Costa Rica with my parents and sister Dec 24-29. It's a last minute trip. 

I'm a little stressed about this trip because I don't know if my family members are going to stress me out. Well, I know that they will, it's just a matter of how much. Mostly my mom at this point. For various reasons, it's very difficult for me to get along with her. 

Hopefully there's free wifi so I can keep updating my blog from there. 

I am trying to be positive about this trip. I mean, we are staying at nice places. But's hard.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Being soft
Don't hold onto things tightly
Be happy
The secret is trust

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Another Christmas song/carol I like

"Here Comes Santa Claus"

It's merry
It reminds me of my childhood
It has a nostalgic air to it (it's old)

And it's about Santa! I feel like I'm living in a cartoon world.

Or at least baking holiday cookies in the kitchen. 

And back to my cartoon world where everything is red and colorful and nothing goes wrong!

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Yesterday I was driving my car and I had a moment. I do a lot of feeling/processing in my car, as I drive. I'm not sure why. I think when I'm doing an activity, but somewhat mindless one, for a long stretch of time...things just come to me more easily or something. Shrug.

Anyway, my moment was...I really, really like life right now. I actually enjoy being single. Maybe really enjoy it. Of course, it was just a moment. This feeling comes and goes. I'm not on a constant high all the time or anything.

Honestly, I never understood how girls could say they enjoy being single. I always felt like they were kind of lying. Or maybe numbing a part of themselves. When girls said they "enjoy being single", I always got that feeling of when you see someone's Facebook page or Instagram and all you see are wonderful pictures of their lives, updated constantly. I felt like girls who said they "enjoy being single" were kind of, I don't know, trying too hard? 

Anyway, now I want to change my original thought. My new thought goes something like this...

"Enjoying being single" doesn't mean that I don't want to be in a relationship or that I'm fine with being single forever. At all.

It doesn't mean that my life is perfect. 

It means that more often than not, I feel pretty okay with everything. And sometimes, more than just okay. Maybe even great.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

A Christmas carol I like

"Joy to the World"

I like it because of a combination of the lyrics and melody.

I picture...

Bright red bows
A whole chorus of angels singing
Happy, yellow bugles

And, of course, I'm right in the middle of it all.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Yesterday night I had a bad dream/nightmare about my extended family and the holidays. They can really stress me out. I'm still not sure what to do. But they stress me out. :(

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Continuing my post from yesterday...

Drafting contracts is not hard for me 

Reading through tons of dense legal text, quickly, is not hard for me
Understanding complex situations, quickly, is not hard for me
Talking to people about intellectual concepts and sounding convincing, is not hard for me

But working as a receptionist at a small office is extremely hard for me. So this was a challenge I knew I had to conquer. For my own personal peace, pride, and much-needed growth.

Of course, I could've just said who cares and walked away. We don't have to be great at every job. 

But somehow, I had an underlying sense that this job played to many of my most major shortcomings in life. Not just in the workforce, but also as a person. So I knew I couldn't walk away from this job. Not if I wanted to live a life I was proud of. 

In the process, I learned...

How to be humble. I had NO smidgeon of humbleness before this. It took very drastic measures, such as working at this job for a long time, for me to change. 

How to be human and care about things that involve the heart. How to have a heart, basically. 

How to stand up to people. (In my opinion, the hardest part about being a receptionist or admin is that people think they can take advantage of you and that they're entitled to). I couldn't hide behind my legal books, or rely on having a high status to help me, or rely on my academic skills to give me the upper-hand. Instead, I had to learn street smarts and a different kind of confidence that I never had. While still being a nice person and true to myself.

Working just for the sake of a work ethic. (My definition of work ethic: Work is good. No reason why. It just is. End of story.) So, even though I had accomplished a lot before this job, I actually had NO work ethic behind everything back then. Then, I had worked hard solely because of guilt and for bragging rights. It was different. 

I was so lacking in these areas that it took a job like mine to finally change me.

So I always wonder to what point would I feel like I have finally "conquered" my job?

Because, I mean, these are never-ending lessons...

I don't know. But I think I still have some more work to do in asserting myself. 

In any case, now I feel like I can at least see the light at the end of the tunnel.


Saturday, December 10, 2016

This post has been a long time coming. Well, not really. But it's been on my mind (and subconscious). I had to get to the internal place where I had something to say about this topic. I needed time to let it stew. Process. 

I started my job as a receptionist (admin) at my company over four years ago. At the time, I couldn't wait to leave this job. I wanted to sprint out of here as fast as I could.

I still can't wait to leave. This isn't my dream job. But I'm also okay with my job too now. I feel a certain peace. 

So...what has been holding me here the entire time? No one forced me to stay. Actually, many, many people told me to do just the opposite - they made (or still make) me feel pretty bad about my job. I think a part of me will forever be scarred by other people's judgment of me in this matter. Oh well. 

Anyway, what has been holding me here this entire time then? Why did I choose to do this? 

As with any significant choice, there are many reasons for it. Not just one reason. But the biggest, most important reason, by far - and a reason that in itself is enough to make me stay - is that I stayed here FOR ME. I did it for me. 

What exactly does that mean? To be continued...

I don't mean to create suspense, but this is a deep post and I can't get it all out at once. 

To be continued...

Friday, December 9, 2016

Things I like (no, love) around this time of the year

-Homemade pies (especially with a lattice top. It's pretty)
-Watching drama, high-quality movies or tv shows or miniseries
-Mandatory days off work

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Good morning to you
Loveliest of mornings to you
Have a most wonderful morning
I wish you well this morning
A wonderful greeting to you this morning

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

I feel like I should take a vacation around Christmas. I haven't used up any PTO days or even hours this year. I'm pretty sure I've taken zero hours off so far this year, outside of the regularly scheduled holidays and weekends.

By the way, I'm an ISFJ in Myers-Briggs types, so that might explain a lot about me. I'm very duty-oriented. 

I would just take a few days off around Christmas, for a total of a week off work. I don't know what I would do though.

Okay. I'm going to close my eyes and picture what I would most want to do if I had those few days off.

Well, I didn't close my eyes, but it came to me.

I want to start on a sewing project. By the way, I don't know the first thing about sewing. Anyway, it would be fun to spend a whole week (more or less) devoted to arts and crafts!

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

I bought myself a Christmas advent calendar. It's cheap, from Walgreens, for kids. I think the flaps are describing Santa's preparations for Christmas each day or something like that.

There's something about Christmas magic...

Holiday decorations, Christmas carols (especially the old classic ones), the Nutcracker, other traditions...

I think it's all about believing that magic still exists and celebrating it.

Monday, December 5, 2016

To the plants that surround me at work, you are my friends
To the random strangers I pass by on the streets, you are my friends
To the people whose blogs I read, even though you don't know me, you are my friends
To the clerks at the stores, even if I barely say anything to you, you are my friends
To the people I will meet in the future, you are my friends

Sunday, December 4, 2016

I'm lying in bed with my socks on. It's cold outside (for California anyway). I'm going to cook mashed potatoes and soup for dinner today. It promises to get even colder this week. I like this.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Where did the time go today? How can it be almost 11 pm already? I didn't really do anything today, not much. And yet, the day and time just flew by (in a good way).

Friday, December 2, 2016

Being chill
The air feels nice
This chair feels nice
The hum and sounds of everyday noises are pleasantly soothing in the background
I have no complaints

Thursday, December 1, 2016

One of my failures

I feel like this is a college application essay question or a job interview question. "Tell me about a time you failed and what you learned from that." It feels like a chore to answer. Who wants to voluntarily be reflective about bad stuff? I don't. But today I will because I don't know, it's been awhile.

A few years ago, I volunteered at the Boys & Girls Club doing one-on-one tutoring with an underprivileged girl in high school. We met every week for a semester. Part of my goal was to help her with her academics. Another part of my goal was to use tutoring as a way to develop a good, personal rapport with her so I could be a mentor or guide to her. I may not understand the struggles that underprivileged kids go through, but I do understand struggle, and I also feel like I have experienced many positive things, in a world that underprivileged kids don't know, which I can share with them.

I succeeded on the academic goal with my student. I did not succeed on the personal goal with her. I wasn't even neutral. I failed.

My student didn't respect me. Basic respect, on some level. It finally clicked one day, when she refused to refer to me by my name. She kept referring to me as "her." She had an underlying attitude problem that I couldn't fix. When I realized this, I quit, almost right away. I couldn't work with someone who was so disrespectful, and with someone whose attitude was beyond my skill to improve.

I've been afraid of volunteering at the Boys and Girls Club since then. I've been avoiding it. I still have the same goals, especially the second one. But to go back means to face and admit my failure.

This is my realization about failure. If I do go back to volunteering at the Boys and Girls Club, or something similar, I will fail again. This is practically inevitable and guaranteed. And that's okay. Failure is probably a bigger part of the journey than success is. The important thing is that I confront my failure, instead of denying it or running away from it, so that I gain all the valuable insights from it that I can.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Going back in time
Memories, my precious ones
I love them
But thinking about them makes me cry
It's strange
I don't know if I like nostalgia
Or if I don't

Ultimately I decide I do
After all the tears are over
I feel love
It's as if I was right back in that moment

I think I cry
Because I realize how little life would be
If I did not have those precious moments

I will not be afraid of nostalgia
I know that the best is yet to come
I think back on those moments
And realize how lucky I was 
And am

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Feels light
I could go on for miles and miles
Days and days
Like this
It is subtle
Not trying to prove anything to anyone
And not necessarily easy for others to tell
Whether I am really happy
Though it is subtle, it is a feeling that doesn't leave quickly
I feel like a bunch of balloons being released into the air
And I am smiling on the inside

Monday, November 28, 2016

Last week I was writing about fall. Now I want to write about winter. Fall always feels like it happens in a blink. Kind of a shame, because fall is nice. But fall feels like it wasn't meant to drag on anyway. Fall reminds me of how time is fleeting.

I have a weird relationship with winter. When I was growing up, I hated winter. Gloomy skies made me feel gloomy.

But for some time now, it's been my favorite season.

Also, I live in California. It doesn't snow here. It doesn't get extremely cold. I'm not sure how all that would affect my feelings on winter. 

Anyway, winter is my favorite season!

I love winter because everything instantly feels more meaningful in winter. When the air is cold, when it's dark more often, when the weather is difficult, when things just feel slower...almost radio silent...

Life is a little more challenging. But I love these challenges!


Because these challenges give us an opportunity to overcome them and fill life with even more warmth!

Winter represents warmth, coziness, love to me.

Winter takes life and feelings to new levels!

The more darkness I see, the more light I also see.

Something like that.

Winter is deep. I like that.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Pie crust round #4@!43

I am having a lot of difficulty with making pie crust. I couldn't begin to tell you what I'm doing wrong. Sometimes it turns out alright, sometimes not. I don't know why that is! 

But I think homemade pie crust can be really delicious (when done right), so I will keep on trying!
As I talked about a few days ago, enjoying the holidays is a new thing for me. 

I'm trying to get used to this. It feels awkward. I am awkward. 

One of the things I'm looking forward to this holiday season is staying indoors while it's cold outside, drinking a warm holiday treat. 

Like hot chocolate with marshmallows. I should learn how to make a good cup of this.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Today I slept a lot 

And I have rosy cheeks 

And messy hair 

And now I am going to clean the kitchen 

Which I'm vaguely kind of excited about, because it's so dirty. I can't wait for it to be clean again.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Happy Thanksgiving! Today I'm unselfishly cooking some food for dinner and also selfishly looking forward to eating lots of good food.

I'm making apple cheddar scones and roasted butternut squash. 

I'm not too confident about making the scones, so I will get started soon. :)

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Holiday Spirit and Magic

I can pretty confidently say that this is the first time in my life when I have enjoyed the holidays.

Throughout my childhood, my parents didn't celebrate the holidays. They're from Taiwan, so the holidays were not part of their culture. They didn't know anything about the holidays. I learned about the holidays mostly from school. My parents also weren't into family traditions, in general. So I just didn't get the whole holiday thing. 

Also, not to mention the fact that my heart had pretty much been broken my whole life, and I didn't know how to care about things or feel things.

As I got older, both of these things changed for me. Slowly. I started to understand holiday excitement more, the older I got, just being around it and seeing it in pop culture and other people's lives and such. 

Also, I went through things and my heart started to heal.

So this is the first time that I feel holiday excitement.

This is a new experience for me, so I feel awkward and I'm having a hard time putting it into words. Let me see if I can.

It kind of feels like a big party to me? 

Not the stressful or draining kind. 

Nor does it necessarily mean that there are tons of lights or that it's very loud.

It feels like a big, long party celebrating love. Something like that. I'm still trying to get used to this whole thing.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

More giving

It's my weakness. I just feel like I don't give enough.

I'm beginning to realize how stingy I am with money. That's kind of embarrassing to admit...

I never thought I was. In a way, I'm kind of not. If I know someone personally, I'm okay with giving him/her my money or buying things.

But when it comes to the masses, faceless people, then I don't want to give. Doesn't matter if it's a nameless child in a third world country or someone in need in the United States.

Shrug. I hold tight.

The holidays are here! I've been passing by volunteers asking for food donations (I think?) at the grocery store, and I pass them right on by. I don't even know what it's for, because I didn't give them a second thought.

Now that I think about it, I realize that it wouldn't kill me to buy a couple canned items and donate that.

Anyway, this is the kind of person I am currently. 

Monday, November 21, 2016

Fall colors
Red, orange, yellow, brown, and a slight hint of olive green
Crunchy leaves
What is it about fall?
Fall makes people, including me, just feel things
It's hard to put into words
Fall is the reminder of bright, sunny things gone in our lives
And entering into a time of seriousness, stillness
The transition makes me pause and think about life
Of sad things
Of life gone
But mostly, strangely enough,
Of life more than ever
I get a glimpse of the whole spectrum of life
Fall is a thoughtful time
With the anticipation of life more than ever
Just around the corner
I can't believe it's Thanksgiving week already!

I hope that among all the holiday stuff...

The merriment, the stress, the sentimental feelings, the distractions, whatever....

I can remember to put kindness first! That's what the holidays are about. 

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Today I was out taking a walk and near the end of it, I saw a great rainbow. I saw the whole arc, it was very big, and so close to me. I was among trees and hills. No concrete, no big buildings, no busy roads. Just me and a rainbow in nature.

I thought back to my childhood. When I was a little girl, about 7 or 8 years old, I believed in leprechauns and finding a pot of gold. I believed the leprechauns would lead me to it. My schoolmate told me about leprechauns and their pot of gold, and we both wholeheartedly believed this was possible. 

I never believed in things like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, or anything like that, but that was because my parents didn't tell me about them. They're Asian, and these things aren't part of their tradition. 

But for awhile, I did believe in leprechauns and their pot of gold. 

I'm so glad that there was a period of time in my life when I was so innocent and believed in such wonderful magic. 

I'm so lucky that I got to be a kid, and that I remember what it was like to be a kid.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Not done with kindness

I have to be me.

I'm not trying to be Awesome Person of the Year or anything. Everyone has different positive qualities. Some people are creative, some people are bold, some people are efficient...

I know.

Sometimes, there are people I don't particularly like (nor dislike), just am pretty much neutral about...

But maybe I should go out of my way to help them. Not because it's my job or responsibility.

I'm not looking to get anything back, not even a deeper level of friendship.

I have someone in mind.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Lunch break

I was originally planning on taking a walk around the office at lunch today. I feel like I need the exercise, and the weather seems reasonable. I brought/wore suitable clothes to walk in. Then, when I was walking into work, I realized I forgot my exercise shoes! 

I had so wanted to take a walk during lunch, that I briefly contemplated taking a walk in my Toms mules. No...that's not a good idea. Then I even thought of driving back home during lunch to grab my exercise shoes. Which is a ridiculous idea, because the drive home and back would take me one hour, which is the length of my lunch break.

So, I scrapped the idea of taking a walk at lunch.

Instead, I think I'll go eat at this Burmese/Thai restaurant near my work. It is SO GOOD. 

Now I can't wait for lunch to get here!!!

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Maroon tights

For some reason, I got it in my head that I want to wear maroon tights with a dress or skirt. I think it would be a cute winter outfit. I don't know if they're in style right now. I don't know where I got this idea. Anyway, I think it would look good.

I would wear them with my black booties or maybe black Mary Janes.

Then I have to find a dress or skirt to wear with the tights. I don't want it to be black. That's all I know.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Wow, for some reason, on this very mundane Tuesday, I have plummeted to the depths of my soul. Here it is.

I have to go back

Way back
Go back in time
Peel back the layers

At my core

I find something very black
I was very little

I don't know how little I was

Little enough where I couldn't tell you how old I was
But also old enough where I could
Because, you see, it was this time period

I was an innocent child

An obedient child
A good child
Full of love, hope, wonder, and optimism
I never caused trouble, not a stir
I was a perfect child, really

I was so frightened

I thought I had done something wrong
I thought, it must be me

My mom is yelling at me with so much hate and rage

I see it in her face
In the shades of the color on her face
In the harsh and ugly contours her face makes
In her wild and frizzy hair
In the noise emitting out of her mouth
It is so loud, such a high decibel
And so piercing and wild

All of that 

Became me
I let it become me

Because I was a small child

And no one explained to me
This wasn't my fault
Bad things happened in this world to undeserving people
And that it was okay to feel bad when my mom did this to me
These bad feelings didn't mean that I was the bad person

But I didn't know

And the hate my mom felt in all those moments
Became how I saw myself
Became how I felt about myself

It caused me pain then

Shock, numbness, terror, anguish, the sorrow of seeing a twisted world from the eyes of a good person

And it causes me pain now

A different kind of pain
It is more subdued, it doesn't shock my senses
But it is deeper
It feels like I go through a bottomless, downward tunnel
That is very black
When all I want to see is light
I don't claw my way out
I don't even try, I know it's futile

But luckily for me now

This pain mostly doesn't choose when it visits me
I mostly get to choose now
When I visit it

For so many years
The years mostly starting from when I met you and knew you
I lived in this dark gray, sad, and twisted world

I saw love

Real love, real caring, real sacrifice
The real deal
What makes life worth living for and meaningful
A love that is the basis of all life

Yet I believed that I couldn't have it, constantly

You made me believe it

And I, too, made myself believe it
We weren't bad people
But both very immature

How does it feel

To know love
And yet to be told over and over again
That this isn't really love

I questioned whether good was evil

And evil was good

I questioned whether evil prevails

And wipes out good
Even though the very definition of good, is that good ultimately prevails

I thought I couldn't trust any of my instincts

I thought that if so, maybe I wasn't supposed to be human

I cried

Sometimes on the outside
But definitely every day
In my soul

I felt like I was living my worst nightmare every day

Or on the verge of it
Or maybe I felt both, because feeling like I was on the verge of my worst nightmare, was, in a way, living my worst nightmare

I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried

In my soul

A crying that was as sharp every minute as it was in the last

It never eased up

The pain is still very raw

The wound very fresh
But I visit this pain
And maybe one day
It will not sting so raw anymore

Monday, November 14, 2016

Last fall...

You spent one season, approximately one season, showing me how much you wanted me

Your big, black eyes
Your parted hair
Your tall silhouette

I never knew when you would be coming
But you came

You left me breathless

Last fall...

You left me breathless

Last fall was a gift you gave me
One of many
Thank you

Sunday, November 13, 2016

I'm gearing myself up to reflect back on my year. 2016. It's almost mid-November now. 2016 is almost over.

I'm a little scared to reflect back on my year. What if I don't like what I see? What if I'm disappointed with it?

Well...disappointed or not (we'll see, I have yet to do my reflection)...I know I always tried my best. 

There's peace in that.
I'd forgotten how much I liked salad until I tried the salad bar at the newly opened Sprouts grocery store near my work. 

It got to a point where I was enjoying salad mostly for the dressing or the meat in it. 

But when I tried the salad from Sprouts this week, I remembered how awesome salad can be!

The vegetables I was eating in it were super fresh, many of them organic. Nothing canned or semi-old. 

This really made all the difference. It was very tasty, and there was a variety of flavors and textures from all the different vegetables.

Salad can be awesome!

Friday, November 11, 2016

A homeless/begging man

A few days ago, I was driving my car. I stopped at a U-turn/left-turn light. On my left, on the median strip, was a man begging for money.

I thought of my earlier pledge to give the next homeless/begging person I saw a McDonald's gift certificate.

I've been looking for the opportunity ever since I wrote that post. So I was stopped at the stoplight, here was a man holding one of those "have a nice day/God bless you" signs...

I didn't know how much time I had - when the light would turn green. Without thinking too much, I hastily turned to my purse and fished out my gift certificate. I rolled down my window and gave it to him.

He looked really happy that I was giving him something, then puzzled as he took an actual look at what he was now holding in his hands. He was expecting a green bill. He unrolled the gift certificate, now he understood what I had given him, and I could tell he was pleased.

It was only one dollar. I wish I had given him more. 

After that, I actually felt really awkward. I had rolled up my window again. I didn't think there was anything else to do.

Then I got the feeling that he was looking at me and wanted to acknowledge me. So I turned my head to him quickly. It was very quick, because I was still feeling so awkward. We locked eyes for a very brief moment, as he smiled at me. His eyes were very blue.

He's really nice, I thought. 

I had only given him one dollar.

Then I turned my head back straight again and waited for the light to turn green.

When it turned green and I started my car to go away, out of the corner of my eye, I could see him...trying to acknowledge me one last time. Nodding his head at me or something. Something like that...I only saw out of the corner of my eye, because I was already driving my car and looking straight ahead.

I left that whole interaction feeling like...

Somehow...he was the one who had ended up giving me more.