Saturday, December 16, 2017

I had a tough last 24 hours. I should do something nice for myself now. Just to feel okay and smile again. I don’t know what I can do. This is hard. Maybe splurging on eating a nice burger. I still don’t feel great, but it’s better than how I was feeling before, and this is the best that I can do right now.

Friday, December 15, 2017

My best purely platonic guy friend 

Here's the post I wrote about guy friends earlier. 

I do think that this is possible, and not as in a gay guy friend or as in a brotherly/familial way. Those friendships are different from what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about being purely platonic friends with a guy who you could be attracted to, or who could be attracted to you, or both. 

Anyway, the thing about platonic opposite sex friends...the reason I think they are so tricky...is because I think that this kind of friendship exists in a way that many people might not expect a friendship to work. Which is that, I don't think you can get too close or be a significant part of each other's lives. 

But it's still a real and important kind of friendship to have. And I think that we can survive just fine without it, but there will be a hole and emptiness in our lives without it, especially if we aren't even aware that we're missing this kind of friendship. 

I'm passionate about friendship, about true friendship that is rooted in love. It's what makes life warm and colorful. It's the antidote to a cold, gray, and very depressing world. So I'm going to talk a lot about guy friends. 

I really care about my best platonic guy friend. More than I care about an average person. 

I think we have a lot in common. An incredible amount in common.

I need to apologize to him for things. I need to tell him personal things about myself. And vice versa.

When I think about him, I feel really happy and warm. 

In some ways, this feels similar to a romantic relationship. But that doesn't mean that this has to be a romantic relationship, or that this is supposed to be a romantic relationship. 

Which is why, we are, more than anything, not close at all. And that feels really good and really right.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

I do not have a good relationship with my sister. It pains me to write this, but it's true. She is not someone that anyone can have a very close relationship with, in which love is equally given between both parties, in which love is equally reciprocated.

She will always take more than she gives. She doesn't understand that this is totally unfair to the other person. She thinks that she's being quite nice, in fact. Because in her mind, she's still giving. But she expects to receive so much more than she gives. And she thinks that this is normal--that this is totally fair to the other person. 

Basically, she thinks that the purpose of being in a close relationship with someone...is ultimately for the other person to serve her. 

And she has always been this way towards me. 

I'm the one closest to her; I grew up with her and have been around her significantly. I feel and know these things about her more than anyone else in this world. 

My parents are partly to blame for this problem. They never bothered to hold her to a higher standard. I think it's because she's the youngest one in the family, and they were just very lenient with the youngest one. I also think it's because they always perceived her as being somewhat weak, so they never demanded too much of her. 

They've started being a little more demanding of her recently...not tolerating immature and selfish behavior from her...but they still let her get away with too much. Much more than she should get away with. They're still part of the problem. They probably can't control her now, but they certainly don't have to show her support when she doesn't deserve it.

Their support and tolerance of her bad behavior, not just towards me, but also towards them, just makes it that much harder for me to demand being treated fairly by her. 

Their lenience is an injustice to me. They let me be "abused" by my sister. They think I'm being mean when I stand up for myself. When my sister was upset because I was not tolerating her immaturity anymore...they actually blamed me for making her upset and got mad at me. 

Their lenience is also an injustice to my sister. When they don't demand more of her, they are part of the reason for why she is not as good of a person as she could be.

I guess my sister could go on being this way for the rest of her life, no problem. She can still have relationships with people. They will just be more about having fun, or using each other for their own selfish desires...rather than deep caring. 

She's my sister. We have a long past. I can't just ignore it. If she can't acknowledge how she treated me in the past, the ways that it was seriously wrong, then I can't really have a relationship with her going forward. Regardless of whether someone is my sister, a stranger, a friend, an acquaintance...if they can't recognize how selfish they were towards me, then they deserve that much less from me going forward. 

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Irritated

There's this "friend" I know who really irritates me. I'd like to downgrade her to a casual acquaintance, not a friend.

My mom met her on a plane a few years ago. They were sitting next to each other, and my mom befriended her.

She was moving to this country by herself. Understandably, she needed help from people. In a general sense.

She's been really nice to my mom and me. But I'm tired of it. I know she's only nice to us because of my parents' resources. 

I really hate people who are nice to me only because they want to use me for something. And in her case, I can totally see through her. It irritates me that she thinks I'm this naive, or dumb, or weak, to put up with her superficial "friendship." 

I deserve someone better than her.

I had a strong sense that she was like this from the start. But I also wanted to be open to people. And in time, her actions have confirmed what I've always thought about her.

I'm so tired of people who want to be your friend, but only because they see you as a tool to get things they want. Friendship wasn't meant to be like this. It was meant to be so much more than this. 

Monday, December 11, 2017


Finding joy in cooking every day

It's all about balance!

Balance between cooking things that make you feel creative, versus really mundane things.

Balance between cooking things that take more work (including grocery shopping and clean-up), versus not a lot of work.

Balance between meals that you know came out well, versus meals that you know came out very sloppy.  
Sunday

Sunday is a day of rest. It is a slow day. 

I used to not like this concept, this idea of Sunday. It seemed dull and lifeless to me. I pictured people rigidly sitting around in chairs in their homes. 

I’m just not good with the idea of rest. 

Anyway, Sunday may be slow, but it’s not supposed to be painful. It’s a day to stop and smell the roses.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Today I took it easy. I didn’t do much. And it was great.