Saturday, April 29, 2017

Good morning (actually afternoon)! It's Saturday morning (actually afternoon). 

Today I'm looking forward to...I don't know! I don't have a plan for today, outside of some little things I have to take care of. It is lovely.

In the back of my mind, I always feel guilty about this though. For not doing much. I feel like a lesser person.

But I mean, as long as I'm not a lazy person, I don't see why I should feel bad about myself for this at all. Not even a little bad...

Friday, April 28, 2017

Things that make/made me happy today:

-The start of the weekend 

-A nice man at Costco who took the initiative and volunteered to put a large, heavy case of water in my cart for me 

-A tall tree that is in front of me as I write this (I'm sitting in my car in a parking lot). I like trees. I like nature. 

-This blog. I'm happy to be able to share myself here. My heart feels big and wide.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Close to a man 

I melt 

Not into a puddle
Into something really, really soft 
And smooth

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Letting go of control in romantic relationships

That's how I want to be. That's how I think I should be. Though I'm having difficulty. 

I'll explain what I mean by "letting go of control in romantic relationships."

I'm not talking about falling in love. That's a different kind of letting go - feeling all your feelings. Important. But that's not what I'm talking about here. 

I'm talking about not knowing how your relationship is supposed to progress. Until it actually happens.

Not knowing what the path to getting to a serious relationship commitment is supposed to look like.

Not knowing what the path to getting to engagement is supposed to look like.

Once married, on a daily basis, not knowing whether you'll really end up staying married. (This doesn't mean that I'm okay with divorce. I'm not. It's about embracing the fact that, no matter what, marriage is always a risk in some way).

I like this uncertainty because then you're not focused so much on what you WANT your relationship to be. Instead, you're just letting your relationship BE and living (relishing) in whatever it IS, at that very moment. It's fuller this way. More pure. It's first and foremost, totally about the human connection between the two of you.

This is probably why I could never explain mine and Jesse's relationship to people. 

It doesn't follow the standard form of dating in our culture today. 

It might be more like a courtship relationship (where the man initiates and pursues a marriage relationship, from the very beginning). But it also hasn't been like that either. 

Of course, I'm not a total hippie living in anarchy or on a deserted island. I still do follow some social conventions and social structures for romantic relationships. This is where part of a romantic relationship's legitimacy and substance comes from. So I do have some expectations (in line with society) of how our relationship is supposed to progress and about its future state. But it's really not very much. 

So here is what I can explain of our relationship. Here is how it follows societal norms: 

In the beginning, Jesse and I were great friends. We talked about all sorts of things and had fun talking to each other. We also talked about personal things. That was deep. 

At the same time, he started being charming and flirting with me. He made it known to me that he was pursuing something with me (that was more than just sex or a good time). 

The whole time, we were coworkers in a small office. We got to know each other in our natural environments. We knew that we came from really similar backgrounds, were both decently moral people, and were older single people probably ready to settle down at some point. 

So it was sort of courting. Or maybe a precursor to dating. Either one. 

What I want with him now is a serious relationship commitment, then engagement, the whole works. 

So that's the part of our relationship that makes sense to people. And that I can map out.

The rest of it, which is A LOT, doesn't follow any kind of dating or courtship progression. 

I can't explain to people what me deliberately drawing away from Jesse for a year, not talking to him at all but just giving him significant looks, meant for our relationship. At the time, I couldn't explain to myself either why I was doing this, why exactly I needed to do this to move our relationship forward. Or how long this was going to go on for and what the next step was. I just knew that for that moment, it was the right thing to do for our relationship. It was hard - to draw away from him, and to do this not knowing exactly why it was necessary for our relationship.

That's just one example of our relationship being unstructured. 

Currently (and only for a little while longer), Jesse is my coworker. Most of the time, there's absolutely zero interaction between us. Instinctively, I feel like we're moving our relationship forward. But I don't rationally know how our actions right now are actually leading to a serious relationship commitment. 

I also don't think in specifics of how the next day, week, month, year, few years, etc. with him, relationship-wise, will look like. All I know is that I want the commitment, then engagement, etc. "soon." And I can't give a timeframe for "soon." I just know that it means I won't wait forever, and that there definitely is a window, even if I can't articulate it. When the window actually closes, that's when I'll know the time has passed and it's over. But I can't tell when it would be, beforehand. 

The last thing I want to talk about is - how did my relationship with Jesse get to be this way, being unstructured?

I don't know. Maybe it's the type of people we both are. I consciously live the rest of my life this way, relatively unstructured. Maybe he's like this too, or at least in love. And when we met, this is how it was fated to happen. 

To be honest, I feel scared and kind of sick now. Totally letting go of control of things, especially REALLY IMPORTANT things like this, does that to me. It's not easy.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Great weakness 

Like a wayward steam of water 

Flowing every which way 
No backbone 

When faced with strength 

I cower 
I shrivel 
And I keep shriveling 

I cannot help

I cannot protect 
I collapse 

I grow thin and small 

Thinner and smaller everyday 
I let myself shrink to nothing 

Monday, April 24, 2017

What it feels like for a girl

A moment of love 

A bond between you and me 
Opposites attract 
I love this union 
I love you

Now I let myself get completely wrapped up in you

I let you seep into my pores
Every inch of my inner being 
You're there 
We should always be together
Joined together like this 
Being bonded together like this is the very best 

And yet

Deep down inside
A little voice speaks
It's so quiet I barely hear it 
But it's there

The little voice tells me

I am not acting right 
I have lost myself in you
I am engulfing you
I am twisted 

I let the voice continue speaking 

It grows louder 
I hear the voice so clearly now 

I choose to do what's right 

I wrestle with myself
Trying to overcome my inner demons  

In the midst of all this 

I finally feel how weak I am
How weak I really am 
At my core 

Strangely enough

Feeling my weakness actually feels good 
Really good 
Really, really good 
So good 
Simply because it's who I really am 

Sunday, April 23, 2017

It's time to start breaking out the skirts and dresses! We're well into spring. 

I'm going to make a confession. I really don't like the way my bare legs look. 

I have another confession to make. I think I'm blowing it up in my own mind over how bad my bare legs look. 

I want to be me. I like wearing skirts and dresses. I can't let my psychological issues stop me.