Thursday, April 19, 2018

I’ve been crying a lot lately. It’s pretty difficult.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

My sister keeps treating me like an afterthought. This is my pain.

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Not knowing how something’s going to be. Jumping right into it. I think I should do that more.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Saturday, April 14, 2018

No one in this world knew me. No one in this world knew who I was. 

People had seen me for a long time. And regularly. And in normal environments.

But people didn’t know my real personality, at all. Some people thought they did. How wrong they were. 

Or people didn’t know how old I was and where I came from. 

Or people had no idea how I spent my time on weekdays. 

No one had ever known me. In a basic, basic sense. Not one person in my life had ever had a very basic understanding of me that was accurate. 

People couldn’t know me. One reason was because I went through some very difficult things with my mom in my youngest years that completely defined me. However, these things were also very unique experiences. I didn’t go through a typical or easily understood case of abuse. So, on their own, people had no framework for understanding what defined me, and I also didn’t have the ability to explain it to them. 

Another reason was because I hid basic things about myself. I wasn’t trying to be a big liar about who I was necessarily, not in a malicious sense. It was because of my relationship with my dad, and the fact that he didn’t know anything about me at all, even though we lived together. That really messed me up psychologically, though I wasn’t aware of this. The result was that I didn’t know how to let anyone know all the basic things about me. And I didn’t even know that I had a problem. 

But at least now I know that I have a problem. It took me a lot of years, but I know now. 

And going forward, to give people an even better understanding of me, I want to be able to talk to people about my dad issues. Simply to share who I am. I’ve always thought that the topic of dad issues was a terrible and incredibly embarrassing thing to talk about. I need to get over that mindset. 

I want to talk, to share, about my dad issues, with all sorts of people. With females, with males, and...with my dad, of course.

Friday, April 13, 2018

My favorite memory with my dad 

I was very little. It’s one of my earliest memories. I was in my parents’ bed with both of them. The three of us were just chilling there. My dad had a small mole on his ear. He said that that was his secret. To a little girl like me, just hearing the word “secret” was a delight. I giggled. “Secret, secret” I kept saying and giggling with my dad. 

Then he looked to see if I had a mole on my ear too. I had a small mole on my ear too! I was just like my dad! We both had a secret! It was so delightful. 

Then he said that people with a mole on their ear were smart. He told me that meant that I was smart, like him. I giggled. I was smart! It felt great. But best of all, I was just like my dad.